Now all the neighbours will know about my family!

Well at least my outburst tonight achieved something positive - by telling my neighbour everything that I could tell him (before the police came) meant that I have started to expose my mother for the big hypocritical liar she is.

I told my neighbour about the fact that my mother took me to an exorcist twice when I was younger, because she thought I was possessed by the devil.  Apparently, according to my mother if I didn't drop whatever I was doing to wash the dishes I would get a beating.  That was normal according to her.  But according to me, that was vile and abusive and it made me run away all the time.  And according to my mother, that meant I was possessed by the devil.  She is sick in the head.

I also told my neighbour that how my family behaves in front of other people is not the way they behave to me and that it's just been abuse and violence all my life with them.

I also told my neighbour that my step-father still tries to beat me up, but that my mother gets in his way to stop it and then after that she comes to me and tells me it's all my fault that my step-father got angry and that before he goes all crazy, she inflames him.

I also told my neighbour how my brother assaulted me and that my mother betrayed me by lying to the police about it, basically giving my brother permission to continue behaving that way.

I also told my neighbour that my brother physically pushed me (as did my father) because they were angry with me and took out their anger on me and that my mother wont let my step-father say anything to my brother, wont let anyone say anything to him, because as far as she is concerned, my brother does nothing wrong, yet it's fine to bash one me.

I know my mother is totally pissed off with me for revealing all the "family secrets" - the truth about their abuse - to a neighbour who she knows well.  Good, let them know she is not the sweetness and light fake person she makes out she is and that my step-father is not the jovial, happy joker he make out he is and that my brother is not the quiet, shy person he make out he is in public.  Oh how the liars are being revealed now!

It's about time the neighbourhood knew the truth about my family!  It's time for people around them to know who they really are.

Sneezing non-stop - allergy allert!

Last night I was sneezing non-stop.  I think I sneezed over a hundred times in the space of about an hour.  My nose and sinus passages are just so irritated and inflamed that I couldn't stop sneezing.

I felt so sick and so allergic, it was absolutely awful.  I had to blow my nose so many times.  It was really hard to get to sleep.  I was sneezing so loudly and so much, that I know I woke everyone up.  I know they all heard it.  It was so loud, it would be hard not to have heard me sneezing.

All the stress of this family is just getting to me so much.  I don't normally get allergies like this in summer, but I am now because of them.  I told them all the perfumes and other chemicals are making me very sick and this is the result, which is what I wanted to avoid. But of course, they all dismiss my concerns, telling me that it's all in my head, that there is nothing wrong with me.

My idiot brother LayZ boy upon hearing me go outside, follows me out there, then I walk back in, so he follows me to where I am in the kitchen (he's sprayed himself with perfume so that I can feel sick and sneeze).  I realise what he's done and walk out of the kitchen immediately and go back to my prison cell (my bedroom).

Then a few hours later, LayZ boy sprayed his perfume right next to my bedroom, so that when I walked outside, I would be assaulted by the strong perfume and it would also come into my room and I would feel sick and sneeze more, which of course is exactly what happened.  What an asshole!

So I put the air conditioner on to full blast to try to get rid of the smell, but all it did was to blow more of that perfume and dust under my door and make me sneeze some more.  Great.  Soon after, my step-father came home and growled at me, asking me why the air conditioner was on so high and when I told him about LayZ boy's perfume he started telling him off.  Of course my brother lied about it and said he didn't do anything.

At this point, I was going off my head crying and screaming as I had reached my limit with this idiocy and selfishness. I was screaming at my step-father, telling him that he needs to stop my brother doing this stuff on purpose to make me ill. That I have been sick these past few days and I don't need to continue to be sicker.

I just got so upset that I just started screaming and screaming and screaming in the bathroom and I think the whole street must have heard, because next thing I know, one of our neighbours came to the door.  I was so upset that I didn't even recognise him (I also had only seen him a few times, so I didn't really know him all that well anyway).

He talked to me and I told him all of the crap that my mother and step-father and brother do and he was compassionate enough to believe me.  So now their bullshit duplicity is being uncovered and their masks are coming off so that the whole street knows who they really are - abusive liars! 

The police then came as someone had called them.  One of them interviewed me then another one and the other was with my family.  My neighbour was still with me at the time, he was telling me to breathe and to calm down and that he understood that sometimes you just needed to let things out.  I think the police thought I was hysterical (which I probably was, but you know, it was understandable given what I have been through) and wanted me to go to the hospital to see someone to discuss my problems with mental health.

I am not very good at expressing myself articulately when I am emotional. I cant seem to make myself understood, I just cant articulate my feelings at all and because my mother and brother say exactly the same things (whatever my brother says, my mother back him and my father just says "yes yes") and they sound reasonable and believable because they are all saying the same thing: "Our daughter is not mentally stable, we don't do anything to hurt her in any way, but she just screams at us for no reason".  I can imagine that is what they would say to make out how "nice" they are and how they don't do anything wrong, it's all me.

The police finally left after reassuring me they would tell my family not to disturb me and to keep away from me.  One of the police officers even shook my hand (the one who didn't wear any perfume and who at first thought I wasn't allergic, but he soon saw that I was when I started reacting to the other officer's perfume/after shave).  I told the police as they were leaving, that the neighbours already thought we were a bit mad, now they would think we were totally crazy.  They did laugh.

Now I am alone in my room typing, without any hindrance.  Thank God!

The duplicity is overwhelming

The very ironic thing is that very few people have seen the way my family treats me because they mostly "act" in a normal manner when other people are around.  Their duplicity of behaving "normal" like everything is fine and they don't hurt me in front of other people every day upsets me so much!  It makes me feel like I am just imagining all of this stuff, that it's not really happening and I have no right to be upset because, look, how nice my family are in front of other people.  Obviously it must be my fault!

Twice in the past (once when he was drunk and once sober when I was in my late teens to early 20's) my step-father behaved in his normal abusive, violent way towards me in front of other people.  He actually showed who he was and these people had to restrain him from trying to beat me up.  After that, both people tried to counsel him about his behaviour, telling him that he was being an awful person and he shouldn't treat his step-daughter (or anyone in his care) in that manner.  That he should have more respect for me than what he was displaying.  That he was being really hard on me and abusing me needlessly and mercilessly.

Of course my step-father acted all repentant and said that he was drunk or that it was out of character and he never treats me in that way normally and of course my mother backed him.  Yeah right.  But what could I say?  And what could these people do anyway.  They didn't live in our home and couldn't protect me from his wrath if I spoke out against him and told them that he actually did hit me every day and not only did he hit me every day, but so did my mother.  I couldn't tell them that these people would laugh at me, mock and deride me and put me down all the time.  If I told anyone what was going on, they would hurt me more, hit me more and punish me in other ways and I really couldn't risk that happening, so I kept quiet, kept it to myself and these people thought that everything was fine.  I think they asked me after these incidents if things were fine and I told them that everything was okay.  What else could I say?  The truth?  My parents would hit me more and tell me not to cry while they were hitting me.  The more I cried, the more I got hit.  I had no idea.  I thought if I begged for mercy, begged them to stop, they would.  But they didn't.  They just kept going. Merciless!

While the bruises healed on the outside, the ones on the inside have never healed.  Every day is hell with these people.

Adding insult to injury

My brother, LayZ boy has no clue whatsoever.

He cannot engage in conversation on a normal, emotionally healthy level. He just cant.  He can only talk like he is a five year old child. He is a five year old child in a 40 year old man's body.

When I was telling him and my parents that he cant smoke his cigarettes where the wind can carry his smoke into my room, not only did he say, "bye bye" and "get lost you loser", he also told me to "fuck off" and to "stop complaining about nothing" and that I was a "loser".  That's his catch-cry.  He is not smart enough to be able to articulate anything else and has nothing of sense to say to me anyway, so he calls me what he is really saying to himself. The idiot.

Yeah, I am the loser.  Not a man whose wife unceremoniously dumped all of his clothes in garbage bags and changed the locks so he couldn't get back into the house.  His wife told him he was abusive and rude, didn't care much for her and didn't treat her well and wouldn't work (that's right, LayZ boy is totally unskilled and illiterate). He is also a man whose children do not even talk to him or visit him or have anything to say to him.  He's taught them well.  To be totally emotionally unable to connect.  They have absolutely no respect for him and care little for him.  Again, he taught them well with his behaviour and his "absenteeism fathering skills" and mental abuse.  And he calls me a loser?  Of course he is talking about himself, not anyone else.

But it still hurts just the same, to bear the brunt of all their crap, almost every single day.  The disrespect, the selfishness, the abuse, the violence, the rudeness, the lack of decency, the tyranny and autocratic rule.

I dint know why this stuff upsets me this much, but it does.  Well, actually I do. It's because they both continue to protect and mollycoddle him and let him get away with his shitty behaviour and meanwhile, they treat me with less decency than you would treat your pet.  They take out all their crap on me, they use me as their punching bag and I am supposed to just take it.  I am supposed to just bear it from all three of the sick idiots!

LayZ boy the smoker who will not cease

And now the idiot LayZ boy brother of mine was smoking near my room (I had my window open, which I do off and on as I don't know when that idiot will be going outside to smoke near my bedroom) and the smoke comes directly into my room, so that I am uncomfortable.  Fucking asshole!

I complain about it and nothing happens.  Basically they condone his actions.  Un-fucken-believable!  And his idiotic mother then goes on to defend his right to smoke where he wants to smoke.  And idiot LayZ boy starts deflecting and telling me "what if I smoked on the other side of the house, you would still be complaining", yeah right, because this is all about my baseless complaints not about his idiotic behaviour!  Idiot!  In addition to this, idiot LayZ boy kept saying to me, "bye bye, go to your room" in a completely dismissive way and neither my mother nor my step-father say to anything to him.  They told me to stop complaining about a "little bit of smoke" getting into my room because if it doesn't affect them, then how is it possible to be affecting me? Just because I am allergic to it, that's totally irrelevant to them!  They're unbelievable, truly unbelievable!  

Then my mother starts telling me that it's because of my complaints about LayZ boy smoking right next to the chickens that he doesn't smoke there much any more (oh right, so it's a healthy and good thing for him to smoke right on top of the chickens and for them to absorb his cigarette smoke every day?) and then she proceeds to tell me that he doesn't smoke near the trees on the other side of the house because I will complain that the smoke will come into the house.  Right, so because I sit in my room, I am nowhere near that part of the house, sure it has everything to do with me.  More like she told him not to smoke there as his smoke wafts in to where they are sitting in the sun room. It has nothing to do with me as I have never said anything like that to her.  She just lies to justify more of her lies.  And I am so completely frustrated and incredible upset every day because I cannot ever feel comfortable or safe.  Ever!  I am on high alert just about all day every day!

It's exhausting having to constantly defend myself and my right to have a comfortable existence and to constantly have to defend myself against their abuse and complacence. It is just debilitating to my whole mind and body and spirit.  No wonder I get sick, no wonder my immune system is so low, no wonder I cant get my act together.  I have no energy to do anything to lift myself from this really low ebb, absolutely no energy and no-one to help me.

I am so downtrodden and ill treated (I know it, I am aware enough, unfortunately to know what is going on) and I just feel like crying every day!  Living here with them, I am simply at their mercy and they have no mercy for me, just abuse and intolerance and tyranny. Their behaviour is just deplorable.  Just deplorable.

The abuse is just constant, never-ending

This afternoon I asked my step-father if he could give me a lift to the shops as he was going to the bank.  

When I went outside he was washing the bird poop from the bonnet, hood and top of the car (he parks it under the trees, in the shade because there is no shade anywhere else, as the garage has his van and my mother's car).

As soon as he saw me, he started going off at me, telling me that I would probably drive with the bird poop on the car and that I should have washed the car for him.  Stupidly I answered back to his nonsense and told him I didn't see it, so how would I know there was even bird poop there.  It was stupid of me to say anything of any sense to him because I know he cant see reason and is totally unreasonable.  

My step-father then started on a major rant (which is when I should have just left, but I needed to get to the shops, so I stayed but said nothing further to inflame him, or so I thought).  My step-father started telling me that they couldn't clean the house for the past 10 days because I didn't get up early enough (he refuses to clean the house after 10am, like there is an embargo on his ability to use his limbs after this time) and when I asked him if he realised that I was sick with a viral infection, he responded by barking at me "you're always sick, you're no use to anybody". But this wasn't the end of his rant, oh no, far from it.  He then started telling me, "you're so lazy and cant get a job, you're too old, no-one wants to employ you!  You should have got yourself some skills when you were younger and now you have none, no-one wants you."

I have a university degree, whereas he doesn't have any skills and neither does anyone else in my family but me.  I have many valuable skills, I am just down, sick and unable to lift myself from this quagmire of despair.  Oh man!

In the two minutes it took him to washed the bird poop from the car, he had totally demolished my spirit with his plentiful verbal abuse, the idiot.  

In the car I couldn't stop sneezing for the whole six minute ride and when I asked him how long he would be there and if he could give me a lift back, he started going on about how he didn't know how long he would be there, that he was going into every shop and for me just to catch a bus back because he didn't care to give me a lift back.  Asshole!  I should never have lowered myself to even ask for a lift. 

Later, after I caught the bus home and was on my computer, with my door open and my step-father walks past and tells me, "You stink, your room stinks, open your window you idiot".  My room does not stink.  The door is open, the air conditioner is on.  The idiot was just saying that to be obnoxious to me.  The abuse just never ends!  

This is like a prison to me, this house and the people here are cruelly taunting me and making my life a living hell to the point where I cant even begin to feel okay any more.  They are depleting my energy and debilitating my soul!

I always feel like I have to defend myself from their abuse when I should not have to contend with this crap!

The smoking issue rises again

I was woken up this morning with my step-father screaming at my brother LayZ boy for stinking out the toilet (which is right next to my room and right next to my bed head).  

My step-father went off his head yelling at my brother to not come inside as soon as he has finished a cigarette because he stinks out the house with his cigarette smoke filled self (this is what I have been complaining about for a while now, so it's rich that my step-father thinks this is the first time LayZ boy has done this).

My mother immediately comes to my brother's defence telling my step-father that he cant help smoking, he cant just stop like that (as if that is true, plenty of people, including my step-father who smoked for over 30 years stopped smoking cold turkey).  

I heard my mother telling LayZ boy that he doesn't need to take medications to stop smoking, that he should just taper his smoking slowly and try it that way (yeah, like LayZ boy has that kind of discipline and will power).  

My mother defends my brother's smoking like it is his divine right to smoke and smoke wherever he wants to outside, irrespective of whether or not his cigarette smoke will be blown inside the house by the wind.  Of course, because that is demi-God LayZ boy's divine right and we must put up with him smoking. 

And if anyone contradicts this, my mother defends LayZ boy like he is the poor victim who shall not be told what to do, he shall do whatever he wants to do and he knows she will defend him.  This is good for LayZ boy, as he often smokes near my window (so the smoke can come inside my bedroom and irritate my nose/lungs and make me ill) or if he hears that I am in the chicken enclosure, he smokes right outside it, so I have no choice but to pass him and be imbued with the cigarette smoke. 

When I complain about this, LayZ boy lies about where he was (especially if no-one saw him, so it's his word against mine and he knows our mother will defend him and not believe me) or he will make up something about not realising I was there.  Of course our mother defends him, our step-father yells a bit, but because our mother rules this house, he has no recourse to make any type of stand and I am again the one who gets screwed and gets more sick.  Nice of them!

The thing is, my mother is such an unbelievable liar and hypocrite.  If the neighbours fireplace is smoking and smells at night so that she cannot open her window, she screams and yells, curses them for their selfishness and calls the appropriate government officials to complain the next day.  Yet, when her son smokes cigarettes and if that smoke comes inside the house, she tells me (and my step-father) to close the windows because LayZ boy has a right to smoke wherever and whenever he wants and we obviously have no right to fresh air or to complain about it.  And when I remind her of this hypocrisy, she tells me it's totally different.  Yeah sure it is, in her deluded mind only where her son is a demi-god that everyone needs to worship! 

I just cannot fathom the mentality of these people.  They are living in some deluded mental space that bears no semblance to reality.  Not one iota!

The fact that I am severely allergic to his cigarette smoke, to dust, to perfumes and many chemicals in personal care/cleaning products is irrelevant to my mother.  Not only that, but the fact that I have been sick of late makes no bearing on her.  All she cares about is her son and his comfort.  Everyone and everything else she places a very low last.  She cares nothing for me that's for sure!

Expectations of some are unbelievable

The gall of them!

Earlier this evening my step-father told me I had to get up early tomorrow morning to let the chickens out of their hen house.  I just ignored him.

He also told me to wash the dishes, telling me it was my turn as he washed them the night before.  I did do the dishes, but I did ignore him anyway.

Later, my mother came into the family room, where I was laying on the couch, watching television (and this is when I was still feeling a bit sick) and she told me I had to get up early (6am) to let the chickens out of their hen house.  I asked her why she didn't ask my brother (LayZ boy) and she told me she thought that I could let the chickens out this week and he would do it next week.  In other words, she asked him, he told her he wouldn't do it and she had to resort to asking me. There is nothing wrong with him, he just didn't want to get up that early and she accepted it, but tried to force me to do what she wanted.

I told her that she had no right to ask me to do anything if I have no rights in this house, especially when we don't even talk and when none of them do anything for me (just to spite me) and that if she wants the hen house opened, she needs to ask her son because I will not do it.

She didn't have anything much to say after that because she knows she has no recourse - I am right in what I said - we don't talk, they do things on purpose to spite me and as if I will do them any favours when they treat me so abominably! No way.  My mother was pissed off, but there was nothing she could do about it.  She could get a taste of her own medicine - I will treat her as she treats me and if she doesn't like it, then too bad!

She and my step-father are on good terms with my brother (LayZ boy) and it is not my responsibility, nor is it my problem if he will not open the chicken pen for them (as they will be out early in the morning, so wont be able to do it).  He is her "golden child" and if he wont do what she asks him, it has nothing to do with me.  She doesn't hardly talk to me except to tell me off about something or have an argument with me.

Soon after this my step-father came in there and saw that the sink was clean and he asked my mother, "Who washed the dishes, was it you, or the daughter?"  He always talks about me to her as if I am not there, even when I am. She didn't answer him as she was still pissed off and after asking her again about the dishes, my step-father laughed and left the room.

Talk about hypocrisy.  She wont even let me use the car unless I pay for the insurance and registration (and it's not even my car), as well as the petrol (which is fine, as I use it occasionally so I don't mind paying for petrol, after all I am using it on occasion) and she took the keys from my handbag without my knowledge and has banned my step-father from lending me the car for any reason and after behaving this way, then she has the audacity to ask me to do her a favour?  I don't think so!  

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and I will seek to draw the lines around my boundaries and limits, even if they try to push in and remove them.  I wont let them in.  I will have boundaries and I will set my limits and I will not allow them to push past them. I wont!

I think I feel a little better

I think all the garlic and shallots (scallions) I have eaten today have definitely made a big improvement to my health. 

I had a spicy soup earlier in which I added two fresh garlic that I cut up finely after I served it.  I also added some of the white bits of the shallots, cut up finely.  I tell you what, it certainly made me feel really hot.  The heat from the spices, garlic, shallots and the warmth of the soup certainly made me feel like my fever got quite worse and I really did feel very lethargic and over-heated, quite feverish.

A few hours later, I had some vegetarian curry on quinoa, which I added some cut up shallot leaves (the green parts) and three cloves of finely cut up garlic on top to give it more heat and to help my immune system deal more effectively with this viral infection I seem to have.  I did feel quite hot and a bit lethargic after the curry, but nowhere near as hot as I felt earlier with the soup, so obviously something is working!

Several hours later (now) and I am not feeling lethargic (like last night or earlier today) and while I am a little bit warm, I am not feeling that hot.  So all of those cloves of garlic, the spices and shallots (maybe about 3-4 of them) in a short space of time, really must have taken effect in boosting my immune system to help it fight the virus, as it is no longer making me hot (feverish).  

Just now I went to my Facebook page, where I saw a lot of those cute "gifts" people send you, which definitely made me feel even better to know I had been sent such lovely energy from people.  And while I know those Facebook gifts are applications made by people to make money, it's really the thought that counts from the person who sent it to me and they were being really sweet.  It just made me feel less alone and less lonely.  It was really nice to see.

If I try to go to be earlier tonight, it may be useful for me as it will help my body heal itself.

I have the cat sleeping on my bed and he is just gorgeous.  He'll let me know when he needs to get up (which will be some very early hour of the morning I am sure).  He is such a sweet, loving cat.  At least he is the one positive, sweet, loving thing in this negative house!

You cant get sense out of people without any

Woke up this morning feeling like total crap. Still have the fever, still feel totally exhausted and sick. Definitely have the virus still.  I decided not to get out of bed and stay there sleeping for another few hours because I really did not have the energy.

Later I went out to the sun room, where the cat and my step-father were sitting on the chairs there. My step-father said something about the cat always sleeping and I told him that he slept on my bed the last two nights and my step-father responded with, "That's your job" as he walked back inside to go to his ensuite to have a shower.

I later went back inside and when I came out to the sun room to see the cat again, immediately upon entering the sun room, my nose crinkled up in disgust to the smell in there, it was like an offence against my senses!  My step-father had washed with some of my brother's toxic-smelling personal care products, which I cannot tolerate, as the chemicals they contain make me sick.

As soon as my step-father saw my involuntary response, he mocked me with, "Smells, smells, quick go away", laughing at me.

I don't think either he, my mother or my brother can comprehend that this stuff makes me sick. I am allergic to most personal care products (unless they are organic and mild) and being around the makes me itchy, makes me sneeze and makes me unable to breathe properly.  And the fact that I am already feeling sick from a middle ear infection/sinusitis, just makes me more vulnerable.

They are ridiculous people who care naught for me.

Another illustration of this flagrant disregard for my health was that one day my brother LayZ Boy bought a hand soap that he got from a supermarket.  He put it in the main bathroom, which I use too, but every time he used it, it would leave such a strong smell that would make me feel sick every time I had to use the bathroom.  I then moved it to my parents' ensuite.  I told them that it was too strong and I couldn't tolerate it as it made me sick.  I was told "too bad" and the liquid soap was put back in the bathroom.  And my mother even lied and said she bought it!  What a liar!

That night I took the liquid soap and crept into my parents' ensuite late at night and placed it on their vanity.

The next day I asked them how can they justify using such a toxic liquid soap when they recycle the water from the bathroom and put it on the garden?  Especially when she talks to everyone that she doesn't use any chemicals on her garden, but now she will be, so how can she justify it?  She then talked some nonsense and said she would put it in the laundry, so I reminded her again that that water is again recycled into the garden.  She again talked some nonsense, because she cant handle being shown she is totally wrong and I left, just shaking my head at her and her idiocy.

I think she may finally have understood the sense of what I was saying (even though she wont ever admit I told her so, she'll have to make out that it was her idea, yeah right!) and the liquid soap remains in their ensuite.

So basically when I tell her the liquid soap makes me ill, she takes no notice because she wants to make sure my brother does whatever he wants it's his soap (and he has more rights that me as far as she is concerned) and that I have no say in anything.  Yet when I remind her that using the soap in the bathroom or the laundry means she is recycling all the chemicals onto the garden, only then she takes any notice.  That's my mother.  She is totally lacking in any motherly care for her only daughter, she only cares for herself and her son.  I don't matter to her. I am alone here.  I have no support or love here.  I am totally isolated and alone, so no wonder I am sick all the time.  That's my family.  Or rather, my non-family!

Feeling sick - still

I still feel sick today.  I woke up feeling like crap, everything in my head hurting me, a bit of a fever, feeling very exhausted and my lungs also hurting, but I had some food (blueberry smoothie) and I feel a bit better and I also took my iron and multivitamin formula too.

Thankfully, now my head doesn't hurt like it did when I woke up.  I still have the fever, I still feel tired and my lungs hurt a bit, so at least one part is getting better, hopefully the rest will become better soon too. Here's hoping!

This is the whole problem with me.  I am always getting sick.  My immune system is so pummelled by the three idiots who I live with, the family who is supposed to love and support me, but who, instead give me abuse, violence and threats!  So no wonder I am so susceptible to getting viral infections all the time.  

I don't get so sick in other places, where I am nowhere near them.  I know that I am worse in the city I live in, but I think it really is them.  The constant negativity, the constant put downs, the constant demoralisation, the threat of violence and abuse, never feeling like I am safe, always on the defence, always needing to feel vigilant about my safety. All of this has to be bad for my immune system, which is being beaten down by this horrible behaviour.  It's not right or fair that I have to bear the brunt of their anger with the world - I am not at fault and I am not the problem.  It is them!

I need to get to sleep earlier tonight and have a more restful sleep to help give me the energy I need to feel better.  Actually I need to have a bit of a lie down now, as I am feeling very exhausted from being on the computer for a while!

The absurdness of insane people

Just to highlight how insane and volatile my step-father is, I forgot to post this little threatening gem from him, which he uttered the other night after he came home from wherever he was.

My step-father noticed the windows open in the formal lounge room and obviously he close them, then proceeded to walk past my room (which I lock most of the time I am in here to prevent any of them just walking in like they like to do).  When my step-father got near my room, he said, in a very condescending, threatening way, "You really are asking for trouble aren't you?"

Excuse me, but how is opening a window, to let some air and cross ventilation into a house which is almost completely closed off from the external air "asking for trouble"?  I am at a loss to understand his thinking sometimes.

But then again, he has said to me, many times in the past that it has to be "his way" and that I have no rights at all according to him, so obviously he didn't like the window being open and that was his way of threatening me to not do anything that he didn't like. 

He is just unreasonable and volatile and there is nothing I can do to make him see reason.

Just insane!

Feeling sick - middle ear infection, sinusitis

Today (Wednesday 17 February 2010) I have been feeling quite sick from a middle ear infection that hasn't cleared up - I have had it on and off for several weeks now, but it has just recently flared up again, where sometimes I get pain in my ears, but especially my left ear.  And now I have developed sinusitis too.  

My nose is dripping mucous, I've had to blow it every few minutes; my head hurt, especially the left side, which seems to be the most affected (the middle ear and sinus passages); my lungs hurt to breathe too deeply; I have a bit of a low grade fever and I feel exhausted!

I got the results of a recent blood test today:

• Iron levels - my iron levels are a bit low, but better than last time they were tested (this is because I have recently started taking a liquid iron formula which has enriched my blood with more iron), but still, those levels could be better, so I need to continue the iron
•  White blood cells - my white blood cells, while they are within the normal range, are just on the border of the lowest level considered healthy. This means my immune system is not good and no wonder I get sick all the time
•  Vitamin B12 - surprisingly (or maybe not), my vitamin B12 levels are higher than the mid range that is considered healthy, still within healthy levels, but well within healthy levels. I think it's probably because I have been eating lots of shallots lately, which are rich in vitamin B12 (as well as folate and vitamin K) that I have enriched my blood with this nutrient
•  Vitamin D3 - while my vitamin D3 levels were within the normal range, the level was in the lower percentile, close to the lowest levels considered healthy. This shouldn't surprise me, considering I haven't been out much lately, because I have been feeling sick.  The last time it was checked, it was in the mid-range, so this means I just need to get outside more every day, to get myself some sunshine

I had some green vegetable curry for dinner tonight, topped with lots of shallots and then later had a big shallot and tomato salad, which seems to have stemmed the flow of mucous quite a lot and has reduced some of the pain, but still, it has not all gone.  I need to sleep properly tonight to help my body repair and heal itself from this virus that has infected my middle ear and sinuses.  The pain!

I know it's the stress of my life here with the nutcase family which is making my immune system lowered and makes me so much more susceptible to getting these viral infections all the time.  But in the same manner, the illness makes me less able to do much, which makes it difficult to go anywhere and this decreases my confidence in myself and it's just a catch 22 situation, which I am finding difficult to remove myself.  

Time for me to go to bed, to give my body the rest it needs to help it heal.

There's a mouse in the kitchen

Last night, long after my brother's manic episode, I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and I saw something move near the kitchen faucet.  I looked again and a little mouse went scurrying across the kitchen bench, hiding near some kitchen utensils.  

I moved those utensils and it went scurrying away to the other side and out near the fireplace.

Thinking that maybe the cat could find and get rid of it, I went to my room, got the cat (which woke him up) and put him on the floor near the fireplace.  The cat just sat there and proceeded to lay down, like he was about to go to sleep!  He just wasn't interested in anything else but sleeping.  I picked the cat from the floor and put him near where the mouse was on the bench, thinking that if he could smell the mouse's scent, he would try to find it.  As soon as I put the cat down, he walked away from there.  He wanted to sleep and there was nothing I could do to make him find the mouse, so I took him back to my room and back to his sleeping spot on my bed, where he proceeded to purr loudly and made himself very comfortable before going to sleep again.

When my mother came home from her gambling (it must have been after 2am), I told her there was a mouse in the kitchen. She just dismissed what I said.

Later, she came to my room and told me that it was my fault that there was a mouse in the kitchen because I leave the landing door open and the mice can get in from downstairs!  There is a door to the landing/entry which also leads to her junk rooms downstairs as well as the garage.

Now what she said is totally ludicrous.  I am supposed to know there are mice downstairs?  And why would I even think for a moment that there are mice downstairs?  That is insane!  And how is it my fault anyway, when everyone opens that door for cross-flow ventilation.  Everyone (including her) opens that door for cross-flow air ventilation. Oh man, this family could not be more insane if they tried!  

All my mother knows how to do is complain and blame me for everything because she cannot take responsibility for her actions and she refuses to see reality (about her son and husband's violence and abuse towards me).  But then again, how can she, when she totally condones it and even inflames it on purpose to make it happen.  Lovely huh?  Grrrrrrr!!

The manic and the maniacal

My brother LayZ boy must have been off his medication yesterday evening (or maybe he was taking some new ones), because he really had a major manic episode when he came home and found just me at home.

LayZ boy started stomping and even running (a bit) up and down the hallway, meanwhile banging his fist on the wall and on my door on his way up and down.  

LayZ boy was also talking to himself, screaming out "lock the door, lock it" on his way to lock some door (which was already locked).  

He was also screaming out, "every door, every door will be locked", then he called out to our step-father (who wasn't home and he knew that) and was having a conversation with him, telling him that he was going to close the windows. He started yelling to our step-father many time as if he could hear him, when he wasn't even here.  Then LayZ boy starts whistling as well as screaming loudly and then he started singing (very off-key) very loudly and banging on walls, to punctuate his singing, as he was stomping around the house like a lunatic. 

Next, he started saying loudly, "all secure, no-one here but me and... actually, no boys here but me and the cat".  Next thing he's yelling for the cat, telling the cat that he's going to "get you pussy" and then he starts going on about the chickens, how he's going to get the chickens (my parents have chickens, but at this time, they were safely locked inside their hen house as it's night-time and they need to be protected from foxes).

Then layZ boy was saying, "hello, hello" to no-one in particular and then calling out to the cat telling him, "come here, I've got sausages for you", which the cat wont eat because they are so high in fat (which I saved the cat from eating previously). LayZ boy finally finds the cat, provides him the dry food, which the cat eats and then the cat proceeds to saunter off to another room. LayZ boy gets upset at the cat because the cat didn't stay around after he was fed by my brother (maybe the cat could sense his insanity and didn't want to hang around) and next thing my brother is yelling for the cat, trying to find it.  I went out of my room to open the windows that my brother had closed (he stinks and the house needs some cross ventilation) and I found the cat near the landing, just as my brother came there too.  LayZ boy then proceeds to to tell the cat he is "a bloody disloyal cat, bloody cat, I feed you and you walk away".  Right!

I took the cat to my room, where he promptly fell asleep on my bed, quite happily and I continued watching television.

That was a total manic episode my brother had.  He is really sick!  

Now that I am writing about it, not actually experiencing it, I actually feel sorry for him, as he has no clue whatsoever how to deal with his mental illness, nor that he is even sick.  The three of them are like that, sick.  It wouldn't be so bad, except that they take out all their crap on me, which is not fair.

Violence and abuse again

While this title suggests that maybe this is the only time I have been subjected to my family's abuse since the last time I posted, it definitely isn't.  I am just highlighting today's events because I want to show how insane they are and how little I have in this family dynamic.

Earlier this evening I went out to the pergola to find the cat eating sausage meat (the insides).  My parents have skinned some sausages that they got in a pub draw and rather than wasting them, they want to give them to the cat.  What they don't seem to realise is that cats shouldn't be eating meat that is that fatty as their digestive system cant handle that much fat.  These sausages were over 50% fat.

The cat wasn't really eating the sausage, just kind of licking around it, as he didn't really like it (obviously), so I took him in my arms and was going to bring him inside to give him some proper meat (I have some organic beef I have bought for myself but I don't mind giving him some).

At this time, my step-father was also there and he ordered me to put the cat down and let him eat the food.  I told him I wouldn't that it wasn't any good for the cat to give him such high fat meat, as it was bad for his digestion and can make him sick.  My step-father told me I knew nothing, that I was an idiot and that they had been feeding him the sausage meat all week.  He again ordered me to put the cat down.  I told him if the cat actually liked the sausage, he would be scrambling out of my arms to get to the food (like he always does if he's given food he likes) and as he couldn't understand the cat didn't want the food and that it wasn't any good for him besides?  Of course not.

I tried to walk through the verandah, but my step-father pushed me out and locked the door so I couldn't come inside. Mind you, I was holding the cat so he couldn't assault me too much, just push me away on the side that I wasn't holding the cat.

I banged on the glass door for him to let me in, but he just kept on yelling at me.

Finally he unlocked the door and let me through the door and as I went through, he pushed/hit me on my back. I could have fallen.  I could have fallen on the cat and hurt it because he pushed me hard (I was still holding the cat, who was just sitting in my arms, purring like the good cat he is). What a bloody idiot my step-father is.  Just violent, aggressive and abusive.

My mother then comes through the hallway as she finally heard the noise to see what was happening.  She takes my step-father's (he has a right to hit or push me) and proceeds to tell me it is their cat and they can feed it whatever they want and that I know nothing about cats.

Always its negativity from them, always.  They just have no clue how to behave like normal people at all.

All this does is bring me down so much.  It's become a vicious circle. I feel down because of their negativity, abuse and intolerance, which in turn brings me down even further to the point where I have no energy or motivation and then that brings me even further down.  

Totally vicious circle...

I have no rights in this house

Yesterday my parents moved my furniture and belongings from my bedroom into the study (where I also had my bookshelves/books and my mother also had heaps of her stuff in there too).  Without any consultation from me.  Everything is all over the place, just dumped where they thought to dump it.  Now I cant even get into my bedroom because it is just messy, everything is dumped in piles and there is no room for me to even move around and sort through my things!

When I asked them why they would do this (a) when I was not home and (b) without consultation from me.  My mother told me that they already told me they were doing this and it's my own fault for not being home.  Right, so they told me that's how it was going to be (no consultation) and I was out at appointments (doctor etc) and they just go ahead with their plans.

My mother even goes on to tell me that  I have "no rights in this house" because they own it. 

I have a lock on my bedroom, but she has another key and will let herself into my bedroom (where now, there is nothing of hers) whenever she feels like it.  Yes of course, just to drive home the point that I have no rights.

Even Lay-Z boy (my brother) told them not to go into his room and she wouldn't dare anyway.  She just wants to do that to me.

Last night because I was so upset with them just moving my things, I undid the bed/slats/mattress and put into the lounge room and unscrewed the legs of my couch to take it into my bedroom so I could sleep on it instead (the bed takes up way too much room. I think I wanted to do that to assert control over my life, which they have been taking away from me.

Try as I might, I couldn't get the couch into my room (I couldn't get it past the laundry) and so I had to leave it there in the middle until the next morning, when I would put it back.  Plus my arms were shattered from having to try to push it through - it felt like my arms would fall off, I had bruises all over them and I couldn't move it any more.

The next morning (today) when my step-father woke up, he went berserk.  Starting banging hard on my door telling me to get up and move the couch now, calling me all sorts of names (that I was dirty, disgusting, a piece of shit) because I had left the couch in the laundry. My step-father was banging so hard on my door, like he was about to break the door down many many times.  Yelling and yelling like a madman.  I told him to leave it there, I would move it later when I woke up. Oh no, that wasn't good enough for him, he told me that I wasn't allowed to have things "my way" that everything had to be "his way" otherwise I could "piss off" out of here.

Meanwhile, my brother, Lay-Z boy walks past the hallway and starts saying, "Loser" several times.

And today, Lay-Z boy goes outside to have a cigarette and runs past my bedroom like a maniac up and down and then starts saying I don't know what, as I had the television on which was mainly blocking his voice, so that I only heard his voice, but couldn't understand what he was saying. He then goes away, saying, "Yeah record me, record me". He was doing that to (a) annoy me and (b) to make sure that his cigarette smoke was going to come inside my room, as he knows cigarette smoke makes me ill.  Nice guy huh?  And after this, he comes in and starts knocking in the back of his wardrobe, which faces my room, just to try to antagonise me some more, to get a reaction.  I didn't react to any of this, other than to close my window after I heard him go outside (I heard his voice) so that his cigarette smoke didn't come into my room, as I knew he would come to my window to smoke there.

This means I cannot open my window because Lay-Z boy will continue to smoke outside my window to antagonise me.  Isn't this a lovely family?

Meanwhile, I couldn't get to sleep because my head was hurting bad from moving the things around in my room, which caused dust to fly around and this gave me really bad sinusitis.  My head hurt so much last night and it's continuing to hurt today. I also have a fever.  Plus I feel very nauseous and everything I ate today make me feel sick.  Oh man!

These people are sick in the head!

Feeling numb all over

Today I just feel numb.  And exhausted.  It's like I am outside my body looking in.

I think I get to the numbness when I am just so overwhelmed with all these emotions that my mind simply cannot handle it any more so I block it all out, every single emotion so I feel nothing.  Hence the numbness.  The numbness make me feel stronger in one way, impenetrable to my family's stinging barbs and obnoxious behaviour.  It gives me a respite from all the emotions so that I can try to come to terms with whatever is going on, so I don't self-implode.

While this is a good defence mechanism in one way, it is also a bit bad too, because it means I feel nothing physically too.  I have the weird "out-of-body" sensation when I get this numb, so then it's almost like I cant feel my body either.  This is not good because it means I am drifting along like I am some non-entity, not really living, but just existing in some invisible way.

I just feel so heavy and clumsy too - that is how this numbness manifests as well.  I don't have the energy to function normally because all my energy is going into making me feel numb (mind/body/spirit) so there is no more energy left for anything else really.

Again today, I feel like crying so badly, but the numbness is overwhelming that if I cry, it means feeling my emotions and since I don't want to do that, whenever the tears threaten, my numbness immediately stops them from falling. They gather in my eyes a little, then they are gone, replaced by the numbness.  I don't have the energy to cry, I don't have the energy to laugh, I don't have the energy to do much at all, but just sign and write this, in the vain hope that I can feel some semblance of normality in my head.  Something akin to having a normal life, but while I stay here I know I wont.  Yet the numbness causes me to be impotent and have no ability to carry out anything for my own good, so here I stay, rotting away.

And in the background, all I can hear is the three of them arguing about something.  They can't discuss anything in a sensible, rational manner, they have to argue about everything because not one of them has any sense or the ability to have any kind of rational discourse with anyone.  Ugh!

Heart palpitations

I have been feeling incredibly sad and wanted to cry so much all day yesterday, but it's almost like I don't even have the energy to do so.

In addition to this, I feel totally and utterly exhausted, drained of all my energy by these three people who call themselves my family.

On top of that, I have been getting these heart palpitations, which became really severe yesterday and last night, where my heart was beating incorrectly it seemed like almost every beat.  I would get fast heartbeats for a few beats, followed by skipped beats and then a thumping beat.  I have had this investigated previously and apparently I have "ectopic heartbeats" both ventricular and atrial, which means I get a heartbeat starting in either the top chambers of the heart (atria) or the lower chambers of the heart (ventricles) instead of in the sinoatrial node (in the area between the layers of the heart).  I have also been having supra ventricular heartbeats, which is when the heart beats very quickly (over 100 beats a minute) but only for a very short duration, like for about 5-6 beats or so.  All of this, the cardiologist told me, about a year ago, when I was first diagnosed, points to stress.  So it comes as no surprise that it's been happening more and more lately and culminating so much last night, again.

I have also been feeling really tired physically and I feel like I have a bit of a fever for the last few days too, like as if I have some type of a viral infection.  I feel quite warm today and really lethargic. This means I have some type of viral infection, but because I don't have any other symptoms (no sore throat, no upper or lower respiratory infection) it could be that my immune system is not functioning very well and I may have chronic fatigue syndrome.  All I know is that I get sick like this all the time and it comes after being greatly stressed.  I wake up feeling tired and I just want to sleep all day as I have zero energy.  Not only am I a little feverish, but I also feel really dizzy, which could be due to the palpitations or it could be due to a middle ear infection (which I get quite often, several times a year) or it could be due to a gastrointestinal infection, the last two are definitely due to a virus.

I have been doing a lot more exercise these past three weeks. I started at 45 minutes a day, but now I am at 70 minutes a day.  I have been walking up and down hills for about 45 minutes and then for about 25 minutes I do arm and leg exercise (Pilate's basically) to tone them up.  I have noticed a difference in my body, but I think I have been over-doing it.  I have been totally and utterly stressed by my family and I am putting more stress on my body with the daily exercise but not doing anything for stress-relief (like meditation or yoga or relaxation), which means my body is just getting overly stressed in every way with no respite, with too much pressure to bear all at once.  Hence the heart palpitations and the fever and lethargy.

These people are literally draining all the energy out of me.  I just need to get out of here, but with no energy, no money and no motivation, how can I????

The inappropriateness of my step-father

Scenario 1

Earlier yesterday my step-father and I were talking, in one of his more lucid and less argumentative moments. Just before he left, he asked me whether I thought that my brother's wife, who is estranged from him, is a lesbian or not. I didn't quite hear him and so he asked the question again, this time with a licking motion of his tongue and an evil laugh with the licking motion.  I told him he was an idiot, shaking my head at him and walked away.  This is such utterly inappropriate behaviour.

What does this show?  That he has no boundaries and has no understanding about what the limits are of the conversation he should have with anyone.  So crass!

Scenario 2
Two days ago, when I was talking to my step-father (in one of his less argumentative and lucid moments), I asked him whether he could see that I have lost some weight recently and that he should especially notice that my stomach my quite flat.  I was wearing tracksuit pants and just tank top, so you could see if I have lost weight.  

The reason I asked him this is because I was feeling insecure about the fact that he kept telling me the other week what a huge stomach I had.  Well of course it was huge, it as bloated due to stomach cramps that I often get.  So his taunting made me feel really insecure about it as my brother constantly taunts me about my backside too (which is well-rounded, but as I have ample cleavage, it means I am curvy in a nice way, but not to those two idiots). My step-father then asked me if he could touch/feel my waist. I told him he could look, there was no reason to touch me as it was inappropriate for him to even ask me!  He then said it louder and more inappropriately, "You have to let me touch it".  Wow!  I told him he was not normal and walked away, with him laughing as I left.

What does this show? That he has absolutely no boundaries and has no clue about limits and what is appropriate or not.  So gross!

Scenario 3

Many times when I am washing the dishes at the kitchen sink, I can see out into the sun room, which is where my step-father likes to sit.  He also likes to get changed from his clothes into his pyjamas there too.  He strips off to his underwear and looks at me and laughs as he is taking his clothes off.  

And when I complain, both my mother and he tell me that I shouldn't be looking at him, that it's his right to get changed in the sun room (which is a thoroughfare as well as it opens up from two sides) and that if it bothers me that much, I should stop washing the dishes until he is finished!  Right, so I am supposed to know exactly how long it's going to take him to get changed. 

What does this show?  That neither my mother nor my step-father understand boundaries, that they think it is appropriate for a 70 year old man to strip in front of his step-daughter. Ugh, again, so crass.

So tired of these lunatics

I am just so exhausted from arguing with these idiots. Or rather from them constantly arguing with me and from them constantly berating me and blaming me.  And from me having to constantly defend myself, every single day from their stupid lies and accusations.  It is simply exhausting.  

It takes so much energy and I am tired of it, literally and figuratively.  I should know better, because this has been happening all my life, as if they are suddenly, magically going to stop!

Just a few minutes ago, my mother came to my room to tell me I had to take care of my brother, lay-Z boy because, get this, he's now started taking new medication which may cause severe side effects and if he presses his alarm buzzer, I have to take him to the hospital.  She cant stay because she needs to go to the club to do some gambling on the poker machines!  Right! How she can even think that she has any right to ask me is beyond insane, especially when she knows how antagonistic he is towards me.  They are lunatics!

MY GOD!  She is seriously insane!

And she comes to tell me this little tidbit, like it's perfectly normal that 

• my brother needs someone to take care of him
• that the caretaker should be me, since I am at home
• that she does not think it's her responsibility

First of all. How is it my responsibility the medication he takes?  And if she's so concerned, why isn't she there to take care of him? Oh right, her gambling takes first priority!  And they expect me, the one who gets belittled and abused by my brother to suddenly want to take care of him?  What is wrong with these people?

My brother is a total drama queen.  He uses that drama to try to manipulate people into doing what he wants them to do.  But maybe he overplayed his drama this time because even my mother is sick of it and doesn't want to stay here or she just doesn't believe him.  My brother, the lay-Z boy.

Update: My mother actually stayed home because I told her I was not prepared to look after my brother and he scared her enough to make her think the worst.  He's a great manipulator. 

And of course my mother is thinking how selfish I am for  not wanting to look out for my brother, the ones who taunts, abuses and assaults me. Yes, how selfish of me to try to outline some boundaries and limits, to try to assert some control in my existence away from their control.  How terrible I am!

It takes so much of my energy to deal with these people. Oh man, it is exhausting!

Unreasonable, irrational and illogical people

You simply cannot reason with unreasonable people.

You simply cannot use rational logic with irrational people.

Argument with my step-father today.

He's telling me that I have to let my mother control me, because this is her house, that I had to tell her everything about where I was going, what I was doing, give her details about everything I am doing and that I was a liar. Ha!  Always accusing me of lying, when it's them that lie to me all the time.  It's called projection, where a person projects their own behaviour onto other people, accuse others of doing what they in fact are doing, to deflect from their own behaviour and thank goodness I am now aware of it.  But it still hurts me nevertheless!

He then brought up the past and started asking me why did I used to run away from home when I was a young girl?

I told him it was because they used to hit and beat me up me all the time and I didn't want to be hit by them any more. He responded with: "Bullshit, no-one hit you" - yeah, because I was imagining all of that, of course.  And with a photographic, video-like memory that I have, I just imagined everything didn't I?  Sure!  What an idiot he is, just wants to take no responsibility for his actions, to pretend his is all clean and never did anything wrong.  Sure!

He then said: "Why did you run away when the police brought you home after they found you?" I told him it was because I was scared I was going to get hit by him and my mother. He again responded with: "Bullshit, no-one hit you".

Then I got a bit hysterical because again he was denying what he and my mother used to do to me - abuse me quite horribly. And I told him that they used to hit me for stupid things, like, for not doing the dishes the very second I was asked to do them or for doing something else (like my homework or singing or reading) and telling them I would do the dishes after I finished. Oh no, that was apparently a completely heinous thing for me to say, because the next thing I knew, they would start hitting me, not just with their hands, but with a big stick they had just for that purpose.

Now because he cant keep on refuting this, he started laughing and changed the subject.

Then he asked me why I used to "play up" when I was in my late teens and early 20's. To him, playing up means that I would come home in the wee hour of the morning and as far as he was concerned, that must have been because I was sleeping around with different guys. He cant fathom the thought that I was at the nightclubs till those early hours of the morning.

I told him that I wasn't at "private houses" as he termed it, that I was at nightclubs, dancing, talking and drinking.  That I had no reason to lie now (what for?) and that when I would come home, I would be reeking of cigarette smoke because they used to allow smoking in nightclub when I was clubbing. His response to all of this?  "Bullshit, you were playing around!" And I replied with, "Just because you would be sleeping around with lots of women if you were staying out late at night, doesn't mean I would be. I have no reason to lie about what I used to do years ago when I am old enough to admit it now if it was the truth." Again, he replied with: "You're a liar, you just keep on lying".

Idiot!  No sense, no reason and no rational thoughts to save himself!

I used to run away from home when I was younger, very frequently, because I had had enough of them hitting me every day with the big sticks, mentally abusing me and making me cry all the time.  Had enough of it!  Anything was better than the hell they put me through.  One time, when the police did find me, I was brought home and I think the police officers did believe me when I told them that I would get hit by my parents if I came home and that's why I ran away (I was 16 and fled to a friend's place) and the police officers drove me back to my parents place and told me to stay in the car while they talked to my parents.  I was shit scared because I knew they would beat me mercilessly after the police went away.  So, while the police were talking to my parents, I sneaked out of the car by opening the door and closing it very slowly and crouching down and running off down the road.  The car was parked on the kerb, near the house next door and they couldn't see me until it was too late.

When I used to go out to nightclubs, I would stay out all night (even sneak out sometimes) because the fantasy of the night clubs was awesome to me, I could lose myself in the music and the lights and pretend my life wasn't the hell it was.  Plus because there were guys there, I could get so much attention that I so badly needed from someone.  So I would stay out all night and come home very late.  My brother, who is 18 months younger than me, would do the same and it was okay for him to do so, even when he was under 18 (under the legal age) and he even brought home girls to stay in his bedroom with the door closed and that was okay.  I wasn't even allowed to talk on the phone to guys.  Inequality much?