LayZ boy is a stalker lunatic

I swear that LayZ boy has severe and major mental problems.

He sits in his room, curtains drawn, so that it is dark inside, television on, usually watching videos all day, sweating, smelly and vile.

Then, he goes out for a cigarette every hour or so and he walks past my room, to see what I am doing. He walks up and down stalking me, to the point where I am about to draw my curtains when I hear him go outside.

He is one sick lunatic!

What the hell is wrong with him and why is he looking into my room? What does he want to try to steal?

He is so jealous, so vindictive and such an idiot. He hates it that I have more than him and he wants what I have.

His idiot mother used to make me give my stuff to him when we were little kids, so now he thinks he has a right to my things. Assholes the lot of them.

And the thing is, if I tell him mother what he is doing, because he is such a good liar and manipulator, he'll tell her he didn't do that, that I am lying to make him look bad and she will believe him. And if she did believe me, she'd tell me that there is nothing wrong with him walking past my room, outside, up and down, like a stalker. Sick, sick, sick people!

I just want to shake the stupidity and lunacy out of them both!

Idiot!

I have a really bad flu infection

I have been feeling so sick the last few days. I have a really bad flu infection.

It started on Saturday and became worse on Sunday and today (Monday), I still feel totally sick.

My throat got so sore, my sinuses got so inflamed and infected, to the point my teeth are hurting me, I have a bit of a cough, my head really hurts, I have a fever, I feel totally lethargic and my bones hurt. All this yucky yellow and red (blood) stuff is coming out of my nose that I have to spit out in a tissue. It's so gross!

I was sleeping most of the day on Saturday and Sunday as well as today. I didn't do anything else but lay on the couch and watch TV, drifting into sleep every so often on the weekend. Today, I spent most of the day in bed with the heater on and the cat at the foot of my bed.

I was quite hot and feverish last night and I have sweated through my pyjamas today that I had to have a shower to feel clean again.

My head just hurts so bad and my energy levels are so low.

I just came online today to check email and check some other things, really quickly and write these posts, but now I am so exhausted. I feel like I have run a marathon! I need to go back to bed!

Grandmother is sick and in hospital

My maternal grandmother had a mild heart attack on the weekend and she's in hospital now.  She lives about two hours drive from here, so my mother decided to visit her and decided to take her son, LayZ boy with her. Of course she knows I wont go, even if I was well, as I wouldn't spend that much time with that idiot because all he would do is say stupid obnoxious things to me the whole way there and back, but when we were in the company of our relatives there, he would be so quiet and shy, which would only infuriate me more! The idiot. My mother knew that, which is why she asked LayZ boy to come with her and only half-heartedly asked me if I wanted to come, knowing full well that I wouldn't. If it was just me and her, it would have been different.

Anyway, I wanted to write another post about my grandmother as the last one seemed to go too long about what happened today and I couldn't fit in the stuff about my grandmother there, so I created a new post for that reason.

My grandmother is an old woman, who is in her 80's. She lost her husband (her second husband, who is not my grandfather, her first husband was) about two years ago to renal failure. My grandmother lives in a small house by herself, but she lives right next door to her other daughter, my aunt, so she has company as my aunt lives with her husband, her husband's mother (who is 96 and still mobile) and their son (my first cousin). Their daughter is married and lives a few hours away with her husband and their kids.  While my grandmother is alone, she has people around her for company, not just her family, there are also neighbours in the street that she socialises with too.

When I came home from the shops I called my aunt's house and my uncle answered and told me that my grandmother was in "special care", not intensive care, so that was a good start, as it meant that she was not critical. He told me she had a mild heart attack and that they were taking care of her at the hospital. He had been there most of the night before (I think she must have been admitted yesterday some time) and today it was his wife, my aunt's turn to visit with her. He gave me the name of the hospital so that I could call her. I told him I didn't go because I have bronchitis and don't feel so well. He agreed that it was a good thing for me to stay away when I was sick as it wouldn't do to infect grandma with a virus while she's not well.

My grandmother has coronary artery disease and angina. The angina is due to the coronary artery disease, which means the arteries leading to her heart are clogged with cholesterol and plaque, which makes it difficult for the blood to be pumped to her heart properly. This is probably what lead to her heart attack - the heart was starved of blood and therefore oxygen. Lucky for her, the blockages are not too major, otherwise who knows what would have happened! Lucky she's on a whole range of medications for thinning her blood, reducing blood pressure, reducing fats in her blood and reducing cholesterol, so she didn't have a worse reaction.

I decided to call after I had dinner, as I didn't eat much during the day - I had had my tea and left the house. Dinner consisted of a large rissole, some avocado on rye/seed bread and grilled tomato. I need the meat for the iron.  After dinner I sat down to watch television and rest, as I still didn't feel well and didn't manage to call my grandmother. Neither did my mother call me. She must have been pissed off with me for telling her again that she was being inconsiderate. In fact, she got downright nasty, by telling me that she wasn't going to take my brother with me, that she was going to leave him here with me, just so he could antagonise me. Isn't she lovely? What a mother I have? A bitchy, nasty, vindictive mother who relishes in making me feel bad!

Anyway, not having either of them around has been brilliant. The only problem has been that I cant enjoy it as much, as I am sick and am also worried about my grandmother, which both suck as they are occurring at the same time. Oh well, at least LayZ boy is not here, which is the biggest boon of all.

I think I will have to get me to bed soon as I do not feel well at all.

Stress is taking a huge toll on my health

The constant stress of being around these chaotic, manic, obnoxious people is taking a huge toll on my health, to the point where I have been sick almost every day from a viral upper respiratory infection, almost every day for the past three months! I have had sinusitis, colds, the flu, pharyngitis and bronchitis, as well as allergies. The bronchitis makes it very hard for me to breathe properly.

My face looks terrible too. The stress is starting to take a huge toll on my looks lately. Even I can see how terrible I am looking every day! My skin tone looks bad, I have dark circles under my eyes, my hair looks limp and I have lost the sparkle in my eyes.

The viral infections mean I get hot and cold chills and fever, I feel totally lethargic and exhausted. My energy levels are so low.

I also don't sleep very well. I have really bad quality of sleep, often waking up many times during the night because I get sleep apnea - with my nasal passages completely blocked and then my mouth being closed too, I stop breathing, at which point my body realises that I am not breathing, wakes me a little to make me conscious and then I start gasping for air and wake up with a startle. It freaked me out the first time it happened and took me ages to convince doctors that it was happening (I don't fit the regular profile of a person with sleep apnea as I am not obese or even overweight), but now it happens every so often, I know what it is and I try to calm myself down after I wake up with the gasp for air and try to get back to sleep again.

With the insomnia, it means even if I do get to sleep and stay asleep, I don't feel at all refreshed when I wake up - sometimes I feel even more tired that when I first went to sleep!

I am a right mess at the moment and I just want someone to show me some kindness and gentleness.  But I think I will have to comfort myself with the cat's love as he is the only nice, sweet thing in this house. He tends to sleep in my room every night, at the foot of my bed. When he's ready to go out, he gets up from his sleeping position and walks around and makes a little purring noise and let him out. It's because I am such a light sleeper at the moment that I rouse immediately as soon as the cats wakes up. At least he loves to cuddle with me before going to sleep and before leaving, so that is the only time I get some loving and even though it's only a little bit of love from an animal, at least it's something and at least it's unconditional love and comes without any strings attached. The cat loves me for me and that's nice! At least someone does!

I think I feel a little better

I think all the garlic and shallots (scallions) I have eaten today have definitely made a big improvement to my health. 

I had a spicy soup earlier in which I added two fresh garlic that I cut up finely after I served it.  I also added some of the white bits of the shallots, cut up finely.  I tell you what, it certainly made me feel really hot.  The heat from the spices, garlic, shallots and the warmth of the soup certainly made me feel like my fever got quite worse and I really did feel very lethargic and over-heated, quite feverish.

A few hours later, I had some vegetarian curry on quinoa, which I added some cut up shallot leaves (the green parts) and three cloves of finely cut up garlic on top to give it more heat and to help my immune system deal more effectively with this viral infection I seem to have.  I did feel quite hot and a bit lethargic after the curry, but nowhere near as hot as I felt earlier with the soup, so obviously something is working!

Several hours later (now) and I am not feeling lethargic (like last night or earlier today) and while I am a little bit warm, I am not feeling that hot.  So all of those cloves of garlic, the spices and shallots (maybe about 3-4 of them) in a short space of time, really must have taken effect in boosting my immune system to help it fight the virus, as it is no longer making me hot (feverish).  

Just now I went to my Facebook page, where I saw a lot of those cute "gifts" people send you, which definitely made me feel even better to know I had been sent such lovely energy from people.  And while I know those Facebook gifts are applications made by people to make money, it's really the thought that counts from the person who sent it to me and they were being really sweet.  It just made me feel less alone and less lonely.  It was really nice to see.

If I try to go to be earlier tonight, it may be useful for me as it will help my body heal itself.

I have the cat sleeping on my bed and he is just gorgeous.  He'll let me know when he needs to get up (which will be some very early hour of the morning I am sure).  He is such a sweet, loving cat.  At least he is the one positive, sweet, loving thing in this negative house!

You cant get sense out of people without any

Woke up this morning feeling like total crap. Still have the fever, still feel totally exhausted and sick. Definitely have the virus still.  I decided not to get out of bed and stay there sleeping for another few hours because I really did not have the energy.

Later I went out to the sun room, where the cat and my step-father were sitting on the chairs there. My step-father said something about the cat always sleeping and I told him that he slept on my bed the last two nights and my step-father responded with, "That's your job" as he walked back inside to go to his ensuite to have a shower.

I later went back inside and when I came out to the sun room to see the cat again, immediately upon entering the sun room, my nose crinkled up in disgust to the smell in there, it was like an offence against my senses!  My step-father had washed with some of my brother's toxic-smelling personal care products, which I cannot tolerate, as the chemicals they contain make me sick.

As soon as my step-father saw my involuntary response, he mocked me with, "Smells, smells, quick go away", laughing at me.

I don't think either he, my mother or my brother can comprehend that this stuff makes me sick. I am allergic to most personal care products (unless they are organic and mild) and being around the makes me itchy, makes me sneeze and makes me unable to breathe properly.  And the fact that I am already feeling sick from a middle ear infection/sinusitis, just makes me more vulnerable.

They are ridiculous people who care naught for me.

Another illustration of this flagrant disregard for my health was that one day my brother LayZ Boy bought a hand soap that he got from a supermarket.  He put it in the main bathroom, which I use too, but every time he used it, it would leave such a strong smell that would make me feel sick every time I had to use the bathroom.  I then moved it to my parents' ensuite.  I told them that it was too strong and I couldn't tolerate it as it made me sick.  I was told "too bad" and the liquid soap was put back in the bathroom.  And my mother even lied and said she bought it!  What a liar!

That night I took the liquid soap and crept into my parents' ensuite late at night and placed it on their vanity.

The next day I asked them how can they justify using such a toxic liquid soap when they recycle the water from the bathroom and put it on the garden?  Especially when she talks to everyone that she doesn't use any chemicals on her garden, but now she will be, so how can she justify it?  She then talked some nonsense and said she would put it in the laundry, so I reminded her again that that water is again recycled into the garden.  She again talked some nonsense, because she cant handle being shown she is totally wrong and I left, just shaking my head at her and her idiocy.

I think she may finally have understood the sense of what I was saying (even though she wont ever admit I told her so, she'll have to make out that it was her idea, yeah right!) and the liquid soap remains in their ensuite.

So basically when I tell her the liquid soap makes me ill, she takes no notice because she wants to make sure my brother does whatever he wants it's his soap (and he has more rights that me as far as she is concerned) and that I have no say in anything.  Yet when I remind her that using the soap in the bathroom or the laundry means she is recycling all the chemicals onto the garden, only then she takes any notice.  That's my mother.  She is totally lacking in any motherly care for her only daughter, she only cares for herself and her son.  I don't matter to her. I am alone here.  I have no support or love here.  I am totally isolated and alone, so no wonder I am sick all the time.  That's my family.  Or rather, my non-family!

Feeling sick - still

I still feel sick today.  I woke up feeling like crap, everything in my head hurting me, a bit of a fever, feeling very exhausted and my lungs also hurting, but I had some food (blueberry smoothie) and I feel a bit better and I also took my iron and multivitamin formula too.

Thankfully, now my head doesn't hurt like it did when I woke up.  I still have the fever, I still feel tired and my lungs hurt a bit, so at least one part is getting better, hopefully the rest will become better soon too. Here's hoping!

This is the whole problem with me.  I am always getting sick.  My immune system is so pummelled by the three idiots who I live with, the family who is supposed to love and support me, but who, instead give me abuse, violence and threats!  So no wonder I am so susceptible to getting viral infections all the time.  

I don't get so sick in other places, where I am nowhere near them.  I know that I am worse in the city I live in, but I think it really is them.  The constant negativity, the constant put downs, the constant demoralisation, the threat of violence and abuse, never feeling like I am safe, always on the defence, always needing to feel vigilant about my safety. All of this has to be bad for my immune system, which is being beaten down by this horrible behaviour.  It's not right or fair that I have to bear the brunt of their anger with the world - I am not at fault and I am not the problem.  It is them!

I need to get to sleep earlier tonight and have a more restful sleep to help give me the energy I need to feel better.  Actually I need to have a bit of a lie down now, as I am feeling very exhausted from being on the computer for a while!

The manic and the maniacal

My brother LayZ boy must have been off his medication yesterday evening (or maybe he was taking some new ones), because he really had a major manic episode when he came home and found just me at home.

LayZ boy started stomping and even running (a bit) up and down the hallway, meanwhile banging his fist on the wall and on my door on his way up and down.  

LayZ boy was also talking to himself, screaming out "lock the door, lock it" on his way to lock some door (which was already locked).  

He was also screaming out, "every door, every door will be locked", then he called out to our step-father (who wasn't home and he knew that) and was having a conversation with him, telling him that he was going to close the windows. He started yelling to our step-father many time as if he could hear him, when he wasn't even here.  Then LayZ boy starts whistling as well as screaming loudly and then he started singing (very off-key) very loudly and banging on walls, to punctuate his singing, as he was stomping around the house like a lunatic. 

Next, he started saying loudly, "all secure, no-one here but me and... actually, no boys here but me and the cat".  Next thing he's yelling for the cat, telling the cat that he's going to "get you pussy" and then he starts going on about the chickens, how he's going to get the chickens (my parents have chickens, but at this time, they were safely locked inside their hen house as it's night-time and they need to be protected from foxes).

Then layZ boy was saying, "hello, hello" to no-one in particular and then calling out to the cat telling him, "come here, I've got sausages for you", which the cat wont eat because they are so high in fat (which I saved the cat from eating previously). LayZ boy finally finds the cat, provides him the dry food, which the cat eats and then the cat proceeds to saunter off to another room. LayZ boy gets upset at the cat because the cat didn't stay around after he was fed by my brother (maybe the cat could sense his insanity and didn't want to hang around) and next thing my brother is yelling for the cat, trying to find it.  I went out of my room to open the windows that my brother had closed (he stinks and the house needs some cross ventilation) and I found the cat near the landing, just as my brother came there too.  LayZ boy then proceeds to to tell the cat he is "a bloody disloyal cat, bloody cat, I feed you and you walk away".  Right!

I took the cat to my room, where he promptly fell asleep on my bed, quite happily and I continued watching television.

That was a total manic episode my brother had.  He is really sick!  

Now that I am writing about it, not actually experiencing it, I actually feel sorry for him, as he has no clue whatsoever how to deal with his mental illness, nor that he is even sick.  The three of them are like that, sick.  It wouldn't be so bad, except that they take out all their crap on me, which is not fair.

I have no rights in this house

Yesterday my parents moved my furniture and belongings from my bedroom into the study (where I also had my bookshelves/books and my mother also had heaps of her stuff in there too).  Without any consultation from me.  Everything is all over the place, just dumped where they thought to dump it.  Now I cant even get into my bedroom because it is just messy, everything is dumped in piles and there is no room for me to even move around and sort through my things!

When I asked them why they would do this (a) when I was not home and (b) without consultation from me.  My mother told me that they already told me they were doing this and it's my own fault for not being home.  Right, so they told me that's how it was going to be (no consultation) and I was out at appointments (doctor etc) and they just go ahead with their plans.

My mother even goes on to tell me that  I have "no rights in this house" because they own it. 

I have a lock on my bedroom, but she has another key and will let herself into my bedroom (where now, there is nothing of hers) whenever she feels like it.  Yes of course, just to drive home the point that I have no rights.

Even Lay-Z boy (my brother) told them not to go into his room and she wouldn't dare anyway.  She just wants to do that to me.

Last night because I was so upset with them just moving my things, I undid the bed/slats/mattress and put into the lounge room and unscrewed the legs of my couch to take it into my bedroom so I could sleep on it instead (the bed takes up way too much room. I think I wanted to do that to assert control over my life, which they have been taking away from me.

Try as I might, I couldn't get the couch into my room (I couldn't get it past the laundry) and so I had to leave it there in the middle until the next morning, when I would put it back.  Plus my arms were shattered from having to try to push it through - it felt like my arms would fall off, I had bruises all over them and I couldn't move it any more.

The next morning (today) when my step-father woke up, he went berserk.  Starting banging hard on my door telling me to get up and move the couch now, calling me all sorts of names (that I was dirty, disgusting, a piece of shit) because I had left the couch in the laundry. My step-father was banging so hard on my door, like he was about to break the door down many many times.  Yelling and yelling like a madman.  I told him to leave it there, I would move it later when I woke up. Oh no, that wasn't good enough for him, he told me that I wasn't allowed to have things "my way" that everything had to be "his way" otherwise I could "piss off" out of here.

Meanwhile, my brother, Lay-Z boy walks past the hallway and starts saying, "Loser" several times.

And today, Lay-Z boy goes outside to have a cigarette and runs past my bedroom like a maniac up and down and then starts saying I don't know what, as I had the television on which was mainly blocking his voice, so that I only heard his voice, but couldn't understand what he was saying. He then goes away, saying, "Yeah record me, record me". He was doing that to (a) annoy me and (b) to make sure that his cigarette smoke was going to come inside my room, as he knows cigarette smoke makes me ill.  Nice guy huh?  And after this, he comes in and starts knocking in the back of his wardrobe, which faces my room, just to try to antagonise me some more, to get a reaction.  I didn't react to any of this, other than to close my window after I heard him go outside (I heard his voice) so that his cigarette smoke didn't come into my room, as I knew he would come to my window to smoke there.

This means I cannot open my window because Lay-Z boy will continue to smoke outside my window to antagonise me.  Isn't this a lovely family?

Meanwhile, I couldn't get to sleep because my head was hurting bad from moving the things around in my room, which caused dust to fly around and this gave me really bad sinusitis.  My head hurt so much last night and it's continuing to hurt today. I also have a fever.  Plus I feel very nauseous and everything I ate today make me feel sick.  Oh man!

These people are sick in the head!

More nonsense

I think my mother is completely delusional, my brother LayZ boy is a narcissistic psychopath and my step-father is totally volatile. It is difficult for me to predict any of their behaviour with any degree of accuracy as they are all emotionally volatile and anything can set them off to spout angry words to me.

My brother LayZ boy used to say, when he was in his late teens that he read the story of Narcissus and he thought that that was exactly the same as him.  He also fell in love with himself when he looked at himself in the mirror and got lost in himself. Narcissus fell in love with himself when he saw his reflection in some water. He has always been in love with himself and has never done anything for anyone else that didn't benefit him in some way. 

In the past LayZ boy would beg me to borrow money and he would tell me that he would even give me interest if I didn't believe that he would genuinely return it within the week. Yes, I got fooled by this so many times. I would lend him money, he wouldn't return it - in fact he refused point blank to return it, telling me it was my own fault for lending him the money and he didn't have to give it back, or to ask my parents for the money. He is so totally selfish and has total disdain for anyone else. He wants, he gets and then he discards. Psychopath.  He is so good at manipulating and lying and he is so good that people really believe him, as he puts his heart and soul into selling himself to you.  Psychopathic liar.

My mother on the other hand, totally molly-coddles her narcissistic son. She wont let him pick up a dishcloth to wash any dishes, because it is beneath him to do anything. So he leaves dirty dishes in the sink every day and she washes them. She wont let him wash his own clothes, because again, it is beneath him to do that, so she washes his clothes, hangs them up to dry, folds them or irons them.  A 40 year old man whose mother does everything for him and excuses all his vileness as lovely quirks of his personality.  What an upstanding human being my brother, Lay-Z boy turned out to be!

It's really hard to accept this about these people, but they are not normal.  Even my step-father, in moments of clarity states that my brother is not normal and will probably die before he is 50 because of his drug addiction, smoking every day (with the lovely smoker's cough), not eating properly and not living normally.  When I tell my mother that even her husband thinks her son is not normal, her response? "Shut your mouth". Oh how lovely huh?  What a lovely thing to say.  She is so completely in denial about her son.

Oh yes, she tells him it's okay to smoke his cigarettes in his bedroom at night.  See how smart she is. He can fall asleep with a cigarette in his mouth/bed one day and set the whole house on fire.  What a nice thing for a mother to want for her son. 

She is such an enabler. She continues to enable his sick behaviour because she is also sick.  She does not know what it means to be normal and that's because she is not and neither is her son. In denial, both of them. So far in denial that they wont ever face the truth, never.

And they blame me because I flash a lovely mirror of reality up to them and they absolutely cannot handle it. They deflect, ignore, get angry or try to blame just so that I can "shut my mouth" about reality as neither of them is willing to face it.