The manic nutcases in this family

This afternoon, the step-father was having a shower.

He either forgot to get some underpants, or his wife forgot to leave some out for him.

The step-father came out of the shower  and started yelling to his wife to get him some undergarments.

His wife yelled back to him, telling him to remember to get his own undergarments before he went into the shower. The step-father yelled to her to get his underwear.

LayZ boy heard all of this and started saying: "Mother, you better get step-father his underwear. He cant walk around without underwear. Mother. Mother. Mother. Get his underwear. Mother. Come on Mother, get step-father's underwear," finishing off with a laugh, as he must have thought his comments were hilarious.

I was in the kitchen for the duration of this exchange between the three manic nutcases, so I was not part of it, but because they were all yelling so loudly, I heard every comment made.

Echoes of abusive patterns

John Talbot, 1st Earl of Shrewsbury, presents the
Book of Romances (Shrewsbury Book)
to Margaret of Anjou, wife of King Henry VI, 1445

When the step-father told me he would kill me, but he would only go to jail, it brought back echoes of what a former boyfriend said to me. One ex-boyfriend said almost the same thing.

This just shows so clearly the abusive patterns I have been experiencing in my familiar relationships have been played out in my romantic relationships too. I have attracted one man like that in my relationships, which was the most significant relationship I have had so far and that is because everything about him was familiar - the abuse, drama, intense emotions, control, aggressiveness and fear.

While I havent been with any other guys who have been that abusive (at least I have learnt something), the other guys I have been out with, have been emotionally distant and unable to commit. That I think, is because I am unable to commit, so subconsciously I choose them to mirror what I feel and think about relationships.

I am so scared of being with a man who turns out like the step-father or LayZ boy, at some point in the future, so I either choose no relationship (it's safer for me, albeit more lonely) or I find a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough and try to convince him that he does. Of course, this ultimately ends up with me being heartbroken when the guy doesnt want to be with me enough.

As I write this, my behaviour in relationships now, strikes me as funny in an ironic way. That I would waste so much of my time with a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough, when I know that he doesnt want to be with me and I know that I am wasting my time, but I dont want to see it at the time, because I want to feel like I am worthy and the only way I can feel that way is to convince someone who seems indifferent to me that they love me and cant live without me. And as if that will happen!

So while I have learnt something (no more abusive men), I havent learnt enough, as I am still accepting less than I deserve from men.  I am learning.

The threats to hurt me are always there

The family that I am currently living with is not normal.

The step-father said to me the other night (when he got into one of his violent moods), "You better get out of here soon, because I will kill you. And I may got to jail, but you'll be dead!" Meanwhile his son LayZ boy and his wife were holding him back, preventing him from doing anything to me. Not because they were concerned for my safety, no. They were concerned I was taping his behaviour and if the police saw any of it, he would go to jail for threatening me like that.

The son LayZ boy and his mother were trying to protect the step-father from going to jail. So again, they were totally sanctioning  his behaviour.

The step-father kept on going on and on, yelling at me, threatening me, telling me to "piss off" out of there, otherwise he would tear my things apart.

The step-father gets so aggressive when he gets fired up and it takes very little to fire him up. He takes umbrage against anything I do, irrespective of the fact that there is no reason for him to do so, that is irrelevant to him, he just wants to rage at me.

And because of this, I have felt very upset since that argument, very much like crying a lot, as this situation with the nonsense, violent and abusive family is a completely untenable situation for me. I keep telling myself that it's not my fault and try to make myself feel better.