Echoes of abusive patterns

John Talbot, 1st Earl of Shrewsbury, presents the
Book of Romances (Shrewsbury Book)
to Margaret of Anjou, wife of King Henry VI, 1445

When the step-father told me he would kill me, but he would only go to jail, it brought back echoes of what a former boyfriend said to me. One ex-boyfriend said almost the same thing.

This just shows so clearly the abusive patterns I have been experiencing in my familiar relationships have been played out in my romantic relationships too. I have attracted one man like that in my relationships, which was the most significant relationship I have had so far and that is because everything about him was familiar - the abuse, drama, intense emotions, control, aggressiveness and fear.

While I havent been with any other guys who have been that abusive (at least I have learnt something), the other guys I have been out with, have been emotionally distant and unable to commit. That I think, is because I am unable to commit, so subconsciously I choose them to mirror what I feel and think about relationships.

I am so scared of being with a man who turns out like the step-father or LayZ boy, at some point in the future, so I either choose no relationship (it's safer for me, albeit more lonely) or I find a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough and try to convince him that he does. Of course, this ultimately ends up with me being heartbroken when the guy doesnt want to be with me enough.

As I write this, my behaviour in relationships now, strikes me as funny in an ironic way. That I would waste so much of my time with a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough, when I know that he doesnt want to be with me and I know that I am wasting my time, but I dont want to see it at the time, because I want to feel like I am worthy and the only way I can feel that way is to convince someone who seems indifferent to me that they love me and cant live without me. And as if that will happen!

So while I have learnt something (no more abusive men), I havent learnt enough, as I am still accepting less than I deserve from men.  I am learning.

Sick sick family

I just went to the shops to return some oranges that had started to go mouldy, even though I only bought them two days ago and when I came back my mother was up and ready to pounce on me, yet again. When I was going out, I went to the kitchen to get the bag of oranges and she was just lying there on the couch, in the dark, like a lunatic. Not sleeping, just lying there, pissed off.

I had just gone to the bathroom to brush my teeth and left the key in the lock on my door, so my sick mother pounced on the key and took it, because she looks for any opportunity that she can humiliate me and try to control me.

I told her to give me back the key, that it didn't belong to her and it was my room and that I could call the police to let them know she stole it. She just wanted to argue with me, telling me that I could no longer use the car because I have to pay for the all the petrol to use it. Umm I already pay for petrol and many times I paid for petrol and my step-father didn't put a cent in and yet he drove it more than I did, but this week, he put petrol in and asked me for money and I told him not to put the petrol in that day, to wait till the next day when petrol was cheaper, but he wouldn't so I told him I wouldn't pay for it.

She just kept arguing with me, just talking nonsense. I told them that when I left here, I would not be contacting her. She kept telling me I would. I reminded her when I didn't live here before, I hardly ever contacted her, that she phoned me all the time. She kept telling me I was lying. Yeah, right, I was telling the truth, but according to her, it was a lie, because it didn't justify the crap she was telling me. Then she started spouting about how she came to visit me when I was sick and again, I told her that she called me all the time so if I was sick and in hospital, I told her and she couldn't keep herself away because she is a paranoid freak. That's about the only time she shows affection and concern, when she thinks she will lose me, otherwise it's the abusive behaviour and yelling at me non-stop.  And of course during this time, LayZ boy was giving his opinion from his room, as if any of this concerned him, when it doesn't. He's such a gigantic moronic fool.

So just to make my mother realise she cannot control me, she cant come into my room without my permission I put on a YouTube video of Lady Gaga's Telephone video, the extended version really loud. So loud, that it drowned her screaming voice. And of course, because the idiot LayZ boy has nothing to do with it, he piped in with his opinion, but the music cut out his voice too, so I didn't have to hear his idiocy either. She tried to get inside, but I kept the door locked by holding the handle in the locked position and as I was at an advantage, she couldn't get it.

Soon she tired of her arguing and trying to steal the key and left. She left the key on the door and so I turned off the music to. But not before I had to hear the idiot LayZ boy telling me, "turn off the music you fucking idiot".

The people in my so-called family are appalling, disgusting, poor excuses for human beings.

Step-father and mother angry and raging

The other morning my step-father and mother were having a very loud argument. This usually happens about once a week and it is because they are both stubborn and wont give in. My mother eventually gets her way because she rules this house, with an iron fist - what she says and how she says it goes here and he has to do what she wants otherwise she'll rage on him even more. Whenever he does anything contrary to what she wants, she goes off her head at him and that makes him upset and he gets angry and starts raging around the house, yelling and getting angry at me.

My mother has this insatiable need to control everyone and everything in her vicinity and if they don't obey, then she has something to say about it. Most people don't get to see this side of her, they only see the pleasant, amiable persona she decides to show them, but if she feels thwarted, they get to see this antagonistic, bullish self and they do not like it at all. There are quite a few people who give me the "you poor thing, she is your mother and eye-roll" when they realise who my mother is, because they have been subject to this side of her personality and they really don't like her, but because they don't know me, they don't say too much more than that.

Anyway, during their argument, my step-father started banging doors really loudly, started yelling really loudly and started swearing really loudly. Of course because he was upset, he didn't think about the fact that there are sick people who are still sleeping (me) and he closed the toilet door which is just off my bedroom really loudly and he had the fan on too. He doesn't really care about anyone else, as he is rather very selfish.

To top it off, my mother wont tell him to stop doing what he's doing, out of consideration for me sleeping and being sick needing the sleep, she'll upset and antagonise him more, telling him he's a no-good-for-nothing, lazy, layabout and she doesn't know why she married him and more words like that. He on the other hand starts telling her how lazy and good-for-nothing her children are and then she goes one to tell him that he knew she had children when he met her (we were young when they met, about 9 and 11 years old) and that if he didn't want to be here to just leave because she certainly doesn't need him in her life.

Needless to say, these arguments are not very nice and many times I have tried to stop them arguing by being impartial (not taking anyone's side), trying to get them to see each other's side and trying to get them to see reason. Usually it has worked as I know how to use the right words to diffuse the situation, but these days, I really cant be bothered - it is not my problem to solve, I am not responsible for their marriage resolutions.

When they have these arguments and either of them sees me - my step-father, because he is angry, will just say to me: "You lazy bludger, good-for-nothing, go back to bed and sleep" and my mother will just look at me with an angry face and if I say anything to her, she will just tell me off. It's better not to even approach either of them when they are in this type of mood.

Inevitably I am always blamed for their arguments - they both tell me that I am the cause of their argument. So again, neither of them take responsibility for their relationship and want to blame me, because I am there. Even when I am not living here, they still blame me!  Geez, when will these people learn how to behave like decent, normal human beings?