Echoes of abusive patterns

John Talbot, 1st Earl of Shrewsbury, presents the
Book of Romances (Shrewsbury Book)
to Margaret of Anjou, wife of King Henry VI, 1445

When the step-father told me he would kill me, but he would only go to jail, it brought back echoes of what a former boyfriend said to me. One ex-boyfriend said almost the same thing.

This just shows so clearly the abusive patterns I have been experiencing in my familiar relationships have been played out in my romantic relationships too. I have attracted one man like that in my relationships, which was the most significant relationship I have had so far and that is because everything about him was familiar - the abuse, drama, intense emotions, control, aggressiveness and fear.

While I havent been with any other guys who have been that abusive (at least I have learnt something), the other guys I have been out with, have been emotionally distant and unable to commit. That I think, is because I am unable to commit, so subconsciously I choose them to mirror what I feel and think about relationships.

I am so scared of being with a man who turns out like the step-father or LayZ boy, at some point in the future, so I either choose no relationship (it's safer for me, albeit more lonely) or I find a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough and try to convince him that he does. Of course, this ultimately ends up with me being heartbroken when the guy doesnt want to be with me enough.

As I write this, my behaviour in relationships now, strikes me as funny in an ironic way. That I would waste so much of my time with a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough, when I know that he doesnt want to be with me and I know that I am wasting my time, but I dont want to see it at the time, because I want to feel like I am worthy and the only way I can feel that way is to convince someone who seems indifferent to me that they love me and cant live without me. And as if that will happen!

So while I have learnt something (no more abusive men), I havent learnt enough, as I am still accepting less than I deserve from men.  I am learning.

My family lives in fear of everything

Another thing I realised about this family is that they live in fear and that is how they operate their lives. Every single thing they do, every action they take, every behaviour they chose, is based on their fear. Fear of everything.

They are so hypocritical and so unaware of their behaviours that when I put the mirror up in front of them, they cant handle it and get really angry with me, as it makes their fears almost unbearable for them.

My mother and her superstitions has a lot to answer for! My step-father and his volatile anger has a lot to answer for! My brother with his vicious vindictiveness has a lot to answer for!

Their fears have infected me too. It's such a struggle for me not to feel like certain things are possibly tainted to the point where I cant eat them.  I have realised it's just a fear based on my mother's insanity, telling me that things people gave me were cursed and could hurt me (and in fact, she would take away some of the things people gave me as gifts, because she believed that they would hurt to me even touch them), so of course I internalised that, as a young girl, into a fear of everything possibly hurting me, because if innocuous things from people (who were friends of the family) gifts  to me (ie clothes etc) could hurt me, then everything could, including food from people I didn't know!  So no wonder sometimes even now I get stressed about things I get from other people, thinking that they could contain some harmful thing and hurt me.

Jeez, it's so obvious now, more than ever what the source of all that has ailed me internally has been, but when I used to think these thoughts, I thought that there was something really wrong with me and I didn't know why I was having these thoughts.  It's just so obvious now where they came from isn't it?

My step-father just gets so angry so quickly - he's really volatile and growing up, I never knew when he would suddenly get upset, start yelling at me, making me feel scared and threatening to hit me (or actually hitting me).

My brother, has absolutely no boundaries - he does whatever he wants to do and doesn't give a damn about what anyone else wants or thinks because it doesn't concern him and doesn't affect him. He's so selfish and self-centred.

It makes me sick that I have been subjected to such crappy sickness from these people and then to add insult to injury, they blame me for everything. They refuse to take any responsibility for their actions, their words or behaviours, as if they did nothing wrong and I am the one who is wrong for ever bringing these things up.