Echoes of abusive patterns

John Talbot, 1st Earl of Shrewsbury, presents the
Book of Romances (Shrewsbury Book)
to Margaret of Anjou, wife of King Henry VI, 1445

When the step-father told me he would kill me, but he would only go to jail, it brought back echoes of what a former boyfriend said to me. One ex-boyfriend said almost the same thing.

This just shows so clearly the abusive patterns I have been experiencing in my familiar relationships have been played out in my romantic relationships too. I have attracted one man like that in my relationships, which was the most significant relationship I have had so far and that is because everything about him was familiar - the abuse, drama, intense emotions, control, aggressiveness and fear.

While I havent been with any other guys who have been that abusive (at least I have learnt something), the other guys I have been out with, have been emotionally distant and unable to commit. That I think, is because I am unable to commit, so subconsciously I choose them to mirror what I feel and think about relationships.

I am so scared of being with a man who turns out like the step-father or LayZ boy, at some point in the future, so I either choose no relationship (it's safer for me, albeit more lonely) or I find a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough and try to convince him that he does. Of course, this ultimately ends up with me being heartbroken when the guy doesnt want to be with me enough.

As I write this, my behaviour in relationships now, strikes me as funny in an ironic way. That I would waste so much of my time with a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough, when I know that he doesnt want to be with me and I know that I am wasting my time, but I dont want to see it at the time, because I want to feel like I am worthy and the only way I can feel that way is to convince someone who seems indifferent to me that they love me and cant live without me. And as if that will happen!

So while I have learnt something (no more abusive men), I havent learnt enough, as I am still accepting less than I deserve from men.  I am learning.

The inappropriateness of my step-father

Scenario 1

Earlier yesterday my step-father and I were talking, in one of his more lucid and less argumentative moments. Just before he left, he asked me whether I thought that my brother's wife, who is estranged from him, is a lesbian or not. I didn't quite hear him and so he asked the question again, this time with a licking motion of his tongue and an evil laugh with the licking motion.  I told him he was an idiot, shaking my head at him and walked away.  This is such utterly inappropriate behaviour.

What does this show?  That he has no boundaries and has no understanding about what the limits are of the conversation he should have with anyone.  So crass!

Scenario 2
Two days ago, when I was talking to my step-father (in one of his less argumentative and lucid moments), I asked him whether he could see that I have lost some weight recently and that he should especially notice that my stomach my quite flat.  I was wearing tracksuit pants and just tank top, so you could see if I have lost weight.  

The reason I asked him this is because I was feeling insecure about the fact that he kept telling me the other week what a huge stomach I had.  Well of course it was huge, it as bloated due to stomach cramps that I often get.  So his taunting made me feel really insecure about it as my brother constantly taunts me about my backside too (which is well-rounded, but as I have ample cleavage, it means I am curvy in a nice way, but not to those two idiots). My step-father then asked me if he could touch/feel my waist. I told him he could look, there was no reason to touch me as it was inappropriate for him to even ask me!  He then said it louder and more inappropriately, "You have to let me touch it".  Wow!  I told him he was not normal and walked away, with him laughing as I left.

What does this show? That he has absolutely no boundaries and has no clue about limits and what is appropriate or not.  So gross!

Scenario 3

Many times when I am washing the dishes at the kitchen sink, I can see out into the sun room, which is where my step-father likes to sit.  He also likes to get changed from his clothes into his pyjamas there too.  He strips off to his underwear and looks at me and laughs as he is taking his clothes off.  

And when I complain, both my mother and he tell me that I shouldn't be looking at him, that it's his right to get changed in the sun room (which is a thoroughfare as well as it opens up from two sides) and that if it bothers me that much, I should stop washing the dishes until he is finished!  Right, so I am supposed to know exactly how long it's going to take him to get changed. 

What does this show?  That neither my mother nor my step-father understand boundaries, that they think it is appropriate for a 70 year old man to strip in front of his step-daughter. Ugh, again, so crass.