Echoes of abusive patterns

John Talbot, 1st Earl of Shrewsbury, presents the
Book of Romances (Shrewsbury Book)
to Margaret of Anjou, wife of King Henry VI, 1445

When the step-father told me he would kill me, but he would only go to jail, it brought back echoes of what a former boyfriend said to me. One ex-boyfriend said almost the same thing.

This just shows so clearly the abusive patterns I have been experiencing in my familiar relationships have been played out in my romantic relationships too. I have attracted one man like that in my relationships, which was the most significant relationship I have had so far and that is because everything about him was familiar - the abuse, drama, intense emotions, control, aggressiveness and fear.

While I havent been with any other guys who have been that abusive (at least I have learnt something), the other guys I have been out with, have been emotionally distant and unable to commit. That I think, is because I am unable to commit, so subconsciously I choose them to mirror what I feel and think about relationships.

I am so scared of being with a man who turns out like the step-father or LayZ boy, at some point in the future, so I either choose no relationship (it's safer for me, albeit more lonely) or I find a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough and try to convince him that he does. Of course, this ultimately ends up with me being heartbroken when the guy doesnt want to be with me enough.

As I write this, my behaviour in relationships now, strikes me as funny in an ironic way. That I would waste so much of my time with a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough, when I know that he doesnt want to be with me and I know that I am wasting my time, but I dont want to see it at the time, because I want to feel like I am worthy and the only way I can feel that way is to convince someone who seems indifferent to me that they love me and cant live without me. And as if that will happen!

So while I have learnt something (no more abusive men), I havent learnt enough, as I am still accepting less than I deserve from men.  I am learning.

Learning to trust my intuition about people

A few months ago, I found a blog site which was really funny to read. The girl who wrote it seemed a bit crazy, but I thought that's probably because of the way she writes. I often left messages on her posts and she was appreciative of them (I did sign them with a pseudonym).

Now because her posts were totally over-the-top and outrageous, sometimes people got offended by them (not that she was talking about anyone they knew, she was talking about famous people, so it had nothing to do with them) and quite a few people would say all sorts of mean things to her in the comments.

One day, she told us, in a post, that someone had hacked into her email account and were threatening her, telling her they knew where she lived - stalking her basically - if she didn't stop writing her blog. She told us that she got "the authorities" involved to help her. Now, when I read this, it did seem really exaggerated and untrue to me, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt as she was funny.

Recently, I sent her an email and we started communicating a bit. She told me she had cancer (it was a lie), then she had to go to hospital and her friend (really her) logged into her account and told me she had tumours in her stomach they had to remove as she was coughing blood, he first told me that several people knew of her medical condition, then later said that only two people knew about it. When she came back (pretending it was herself again), she then told me that I knew more about her condition than she did because I was communicating with her friend, as if the doctors would not have told her what happened! Then she said "her friend" got the information wrong about the tumours, that they removed lymph nodes in her stomach and there were many other things she said that sounded untrue. Right! What a damn liar! I think she didn't know what to say because I started using medical terminology and she wasn't able to contend with that, as she doesn't know as much as I do regarding the body's anatomy as I have studied it.

I hate it when people lie. And this girl is lying big time about some fictional condition she doesn't have, to try to make people feel sorry for her. What an idiot she is! Because I was so disappointed in her and her lies, I told her I was going to see family for a few weeks and I wouldn't have Internet access for a few weeks. I didn't hear back from her after that. She knows the gig is up and that I know she is bullshitting! What a fake! Another pathological liar! I wont be going back to her blog ever again!

Now that I have thought about it a bit, I think maybe she is a prisoner somewhere (or mental asylum) and has Internet access early in the mornings and late at night, because that's when she seems to post. And with the first outage, maybe she was on remand or something else. Or maybe she's just a nutter who likes the attention. One thing "her friend" (ie really her) said about the fans was that they "should step up to the plate and show their love for her by commenting about her illness". So whatever or wherever she is, these disappearances are just about creating some drama to get attention from the people who read her blog. Well, I am no longer someone who intends to play into that drama!