Felt good after having a mini makeover this week

I had a job interview last week, so I decided to do a bit of an overhaul of my look. The interview was okay. The people who interviewed me seemed really nice, easy going. I wouldn't mind getting the job.

Prior to the interview, I was worried about whether or not the people interviewing me would be wearing strong perfumes given that we would be in a small enclosed room, but thankfully they did not. And neither did I smell any strong perfumes anywhere in the area either, so that was good.

I cut and coloured my hair, plucked my eyebrows (so girly I am) and styled my hair really nicely in a way that really suited my face (I know how to make myself look good when I need to).

I haven't done anything to my hair in months, so this cut and colour really helped to give it more life and bounciness. It just looks really nice now and I no longer look like a completely invisible person like I felt before. I haven't been feeling well, so I hadn't felt the need to do anything to enhance my appearance for months.

When I was parking at the interview location, a man who was with a group of people just kept on looking at me and it took me some moments to realise that he was looking at me because I looked nice! In addition to that, when I went to a specialist store, one of the guys who runs it also couldn't stop looking at me - it was hilarious that I grabbed his attention like that, when he barely noticed me before! I haven't had any type of male attention lately, so I forgot what it was like!

I'll find out about the interview this coming week. The recruitment consultant said she would contact the client on Monday (tomorrow) to check up on how they are going to proceed - whether or not they will offer the job to me. Hopefully I will get it, because that means I will be able to then easily afford to rent my own place away from the crazy family I have and have the space and peace of mind I need to feel really good again.

Learning to trust my intuition about people

A few months ago, I found a blog site which was really funny to read. The girl who wrote it seemed a bit crazy, but I thought that's probably because of the way she writes. I often left messages on her posts and she was appreciative of them (I did sign them with a pseudonym).

Now because her posts were totally over-the-top and outrageous, sometimes people got offended by them (not that she was talking about anyone they knew, she was talking about famous people, so it had nothing to do with them) and quite a few people would say all sorts of mean things to her in the comments.

One day, she told us, in a post, that someone had hacked into her email account and were threatening her, telling her they knew where she lived - stalking her basically - if she didn't stop writing her blog. She told us that she got "the authorities" involved to help her. Now, when I read this, it did seem really exaggerated and untrue to me, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt as she was funny.

Recently, I sent her an email and we started communicating a bit. She told me she had cancer (it was a lie), then she had to go to hospital and her friend (really her) logged into her account and told me she had tumours in her stomach they had to remove as she was coughing blood, he first told me that several people knew of her medical condition, then later said that only two people knew about it. When she came back (pretending it was herself again), she then told me that I knew more about her condition than she did because I was communicating with her friend, as if the doctors would not have told her what happened! Then she said "her friend" got the information wrong about the tumours, that they removed lymph nodes in her stomach and there were many other things she said that sounded untrue. Right! What a damn liar! I think she didn't know what to say because I started using medical terminology and she wasn't able to contend with that, as she doesn't know as much as I do regarding the body's anatomy as I have studied it.

I hate it when people lie. And this girl is lying big time about some fictional condition she doesn't have, to try to make people feel sorry for her. What an idiot she is! Because I was so disappointed in her and her lies, I told her I was going to see family for a few weeks and I wouldn't have Internet access for a few weeks. I didn't hear back from her after that. She knows the gig is up and that I know she is bullshitting! What a fake! Another pathological liar! I wont be going back to her blog ever again!

Now that I have thought about it a bit, I think maybe she is a prisoner somewhere (or mental asylum) and has Internet access early in the mornings and late at night, because that's when she seems to post. And with the first outage, maybe she was on remand or something else. Or maybe she's just a nutter who likes the attention. One thing "her friend" (ie really her) said about the fans was that they "should step up to the plate and show their love for her by commenting about her illness". So whatever or wherever she is, these disappearances are just about creating some drama to get attention from the people who read her blog. Well, I am no longer someone who intends to play into that drama!

LayZ boy cant articulate his thoughts in a cohesive manner

While I was cooking dinner yesterday, LayZ boy kept coming into the kitchen in his manic way, stomping on the floor as he walked, to make sure I heard him coming and then pretending to need water with ice in it (even though it's almost winter and it's cold enough to need heating), opening and closing the pantry and the fridge, but not taking anything out. He even went for a cigarette and came straight into the kitchen (because he knew I was there), just to provide me with the smell of his cigarette filled self to antagonise me, because he knows even just being around someone who has just had a cigarette I sneeze and cough, because the cigarette smell lingers around them for ages and besides which, he's been told not to come straight inside after having a cigarette because of the cigarette smoke trail it makes wherever he walks. But of course, he did that on purpose to antagonise me, because I wasn't paying him any attention.

LayZ boy used to do all sort of things to try to get my attention when we were children and living in the same house because he couldn't handle being by himself and wanted my attention so that I would play with him. He still behaves the same way today. A 40 year old man that still behaves like a five year old child.

I think he was trying extra hard to get my attention because he brought home and placed on the lounge room coffee table, two free weekly city community magazines that have crossword puzzles and sudoku puzzles that I always do when I grab them from different venues around town. LayZ boy put them there because he hadn't seem me with them this week and for some reason, wanted to provide them for me. Maybe the argument our mother had with her sister affected him on some level? But because he can't communicate, he can't actually articulate to me that he brought them for me and then he got pissed off because I treated him the same way I always treat him - I ignore him and his antics.

When will LayZ boy learn some communication skills?  When will he ever be a normal, mentally well human being?  Yeah I guess, never!

Major Realisation - Aha Moment

I think it must be because I have been reading a bit of the mindfulness and other positive psychology articles that I have had some realisations about my family and myself and that in turn has made things even worse between us!

It was a major "ahaaaaaaa" moment, as I started to see this whole situation (me and them) with completely different eyes, objective eyes, that allowed me to see it from a totally different perspective and understand it a little more, from a safe distance.

It was quite eye-opening for me, not only to realise these things, but to actually admit to myself that I had not accepted such great behaviour from other people in my life, which is something I did not want to see because it made me feel bad to think about it.  So that was a major breakthrough for me.  But it's just a start, as it has helped me break through the inability to really see myself and my life and the choices I have made and why I have made those choices based on how my family treat me, the messages I have received from them over the years and how I have manifested all those negative messages in all my major relationships with friends and boyfriends.

Let me talk about all the things I realised and understood a lot more clearly! I realised a few major things:

• I realised why I accepted less than I deserve from other people in my life
• I realised why I accepted it when people lie and use me and are not true and honourable to me
• I realised why I accepted scraps of attention and affection from people when they don't treat me that well otherwise
• I realised why I allowed myself to be used by people
• I realised why I craved approval and attention from others because I never felt like I ever had any from my family
• I realised why I let people abuse me and didn't stand up for myself much
• I realised why I never felt good enough
• I realised why I don't love myself

It just all made sense, because how could I ever have had good self esteem when I had the three of them (mother, step-father and brother), constantly criticise me and tell me all these negative things, send me negative messages about being ugly and that no-one would ever want me, that I didn't have a nice smile, that I wasn't good enough, that I always did the wrong thing, that I was a bad person, that I wasn't lovable!

So when someone is constantly flooded with messages like that every day, how are are you supposed to be happy with yourself?  No, you're not.