Major Realisation - Aha Moment

I think it must be because I have been reading a bit of the mindfulness and other positive psychology articles that I have had some realisations about my family and myself and that in turn has made things even worse between us!

It was a major "ahaaaaaaa" moment, as I started to see this whole situation (me and them) with completely different eyes, objective eyes, that allowed me to see it from a totally different perspective and understand it a little more, from a safe distance.

It was quite eye-opening for me, not only to realise these things, but to actually admit to myself that I had not accepted such great behaviour from other people in my life, which is something I did not want to see because it made me feel bad to think about it.  So that was a major breakthrough for me.  But it's just a start, as it has helped me break through the inability to really see myself and my life and the choices I have made and why I have made those choices based on how my family treat me, the messages I have received from them over the years and how I have manifested all those negative messages in all my major relationships with friends and boyfriends.

Let me talk about all the things I realised and understood a lot more clearly! I realised a few major things:

• I realised why I accepted less than I deserve from other people in my life
• I realised why I accepted it when people lie and use me and are not true and honourable to me
• I realised why I accepted scraps of attention and affection from people when they don't treat me that well otherwise
• I realised why I allowed myself to be used by people
• I realised why I craved approval and attention from others because I never felt like I ever had any from my family
• I realised why I let people abuse me and didn't stand up for myself much
• I realised why I never felt good enough
• I realised why I don't love myself

It just all made sense, because how could I ever have had good self esteem when I had the three of them (mother, step-father and brother), constantly criticise me and tell me all these negative things, send me negative messages about being ugly and that no-one would ever want me, that I didn't have a nice smile, that I wasn't good enough, that I always did the wrong thing, that I was a bad person, that I wasn't lovable!

So when someone is constantly flooded with messages like that every day, how are are you supposed to be happy with yourself?  No, you're not.