I dont feel connected to my family in any way

I know today is Mother's Day and part of me still feels some guilt for not doing anything for my mother even though she has been a shitty mother to me most of the time. But still, I feel like it was my responsibility to do something for her, because I know she was expecting for me to at least to make her some dinner if not buy her anything because last night she told me that she put the carrots in a bowl in the laundry as there was no room in the refrigerator, just in case I needed any to cook something the following day. It's so cold in that room (which is not even used as a laundry any more anyway, but rather a storage room) so they can sit there perfectly happy without wilting one bit. She told me this, because I think she was expecting me to make dinner for her on Mother's Day.

Both my mother and step-father were out today, most of the day, not sure where as she doesn't tell me where she is going but last night she did tell me she would be out most of the day, after which she told me about the whereabouts of the carrots and the other vegetables.

Upon coming home, she didn't greet me and neither did I greet her (that is normal these days) and she was looking upset, but pretending that she wasn't while I told her that I removed more infected produce from the pantry (they were infected with pantry moth larvae or eggs) and resorted a few more items and told her that two of her food products on the bench were about to go out of date. She replied with some nonsense how "everything goes out of date some time" and I just walked away to my room. If she could actually be honest about her feelings, we could get somewhere, but she cant and so we wont and it will continue this way.

Earlier today, my guilt about not buying her anything was eating me up and I was thinking that maybe I should at least make her some dinner. But then I heard LayZ boy coming home with her car and that sealed it for me not to do anything. I felt even more resentful about her being so nice to him and treating him so differently to how she treated me, by showing him that he was her favourite, never doing anything about his obnoxious behaviour and never doing anything about the way he antagonises me on purpose ("he doesn't do it when I am around" or "I never see him do it"), so she enables him to be more vindictive and a shithead, by pretending he isn't doing anything purposely malicious to me. Instead of any consequences for his shitty actions, he just gets rewarded and no wonder he continues being a psychopathic idiot towards me, because he knows that his mother will protect him. It just hurt my feelings even more that she made sure he had her car, whereas she just yells at me, accuses me of stealing her keys (of course I didn't) and prevents me from even going into the garage by removing my keys from my handbag without telling (by furtively going into my room, rifling through my bad and taking the keys off the keyring). I wasn't going to show her any kindness either.

I'll just continue to keep to myself and stay disconnected from them, because as far as I am concerned, we don't have a relationship with each other. I just wish this guilt and feeling of responsibility would stop eating at me. I just feel guilty because I know she's upset and so I feel responsible for how she is feeling, as if, it's all my fault. I know it's not my fault, but all three keep telling me it's my fault, so it makes me feel like it is!

Mother's day today - for some

Today is Mother's Day, but of course I don't have a relationship with my mother so this time, for the first time I did not buy her a card or a present. I just don't see the point in pretending that everything is really good between us when it isn't. It would be buying something just for the sake of it and it would feel totally fake. But besides this, nothing would change. She would be nice to me for a day (or less) and then go back to yelling and screaming at me and not doing anything about the obnoxiousness LayZ boy or my step-father show to me. She condones their behaviour by just watching silently as they say their shitty words to me and saying nothing.  She does this all the time.

I was at home all day today clearing out more of the dry produce in the pantry, re-organising the packets, putting some more of the packetted food into air-tight glass jars because I found more of those larvae in between packets of food. I also wiped down more of the shelves with a cloth dipped in white vinegar - the smell of the vinegar brought out some more of those larvae, which I also got rid of. It was a pain to have to throw out more food, but at least now everything is really clean and fresh (mostly - I still have the bottom of the pantry to clear out, which I will do tomorrow).

Now that my mother and step-father have come home, his immediate reaction to my clothes being on one of those mobile clothes lines in the lounge room was: "That idiot daughter doesn't know how to dry her clothes outsides, so she has to bring them in here. Bloody idiot." Of course he doesn't want to acknowledge that it is almost winter and at about 3pm when the sun loses its intensity, there is not more warmth and clothes don't dry well because it's only after 11am that the sun even starts to warm up, so you don't have much time to get your clothes outside and dry. Even my mother brings her clothes inside to dry them too, but my step-father just wants to have something to to criticise and complain about and as he wants to put me down, he'll use anything to accomplish this. Lovely isn't he?

I told my mother a few days ago not to expect anything from me for Mother's Day because we don't have a relationship, so there is no point me buying anything. Her response? "That's okay." And she says this in a really defensive way, because it's not okay but she is so stubborn that she wont admit it.  She fully expected me to go back on my word and buy her something, even if just a card as she didn't really believe that I not give her anything or not do anything for her. I feel bad for her. I know it must hurt her. But dammit, she hurts me every day. What she sows, she is now reaping - the shitty way she treats me has to have consequences. How am I supposed to give her anything when it just doesn't change anything and it will make me feel worse when I know I spent time looking for the perfect present and she continues to treat me like shit and allows everyone else in the house to treat me like shit - she's the ruler of the house and what she says goes, so if she tells my step-father or brother to do something, they do it, so if they treat me a certain way, it's because she allows it. While they are responsible for their behaviour, she is the one who makes the rules in the house that everyone must obey.

As an aside, regarding gift giving, everyone loves my presents because I spend a long time thinking about and searching for something that they will really like and invariably they love what I give because I think about what the person I am buying a gift will like and what will suit them and I usually get it right 9 times out of 10.

LayZ boy has always been the favourite child

Around 5pm today, LayZ boy came home, driving our mother's car as his car is in the garage getting serviced. He never has enough money (he cant manage his money), so who knows if he will get it back or he will just dump it. The fact that mum gave him the keys to her car, when she removed the garage keys from my keyring without my knowledge (she came into my bedroom, went into my bag and removed them) because she didn't want me to have access to the garage so I couldn't drive her car, really upset me a lot. I don't have car keys to her car - she was just being vindictive because one day her keys were not on the door of the internal access area of the garage and she accused me of "stealing them to get her car" (of course I never took them and told her she was crazy for flinging wild accusations at me just when I woke up without any evidence) and when she found out my step-father actually took the keys, but he forgot to tell her, she still got paranoid, thinking maybe I made a copy of her car keys to take off with her car without her permission. Of course I didn't, but she was paranoid.

Anyway, the fact that she gives her keys to her son and does everything she can to prevent me from even having access to the garage where her car is, upset me greatly. She was just showing her favouritism to her son over me yet again. It is unfairness to a ridiculous level.

The really ironic thing here is that my mother accuses her own mother of favouring her sister over her and yet here she is, doing the exact same thing with her own children - repeating the pattern and not even realising that she is doing that! And when I mention how it is similar, she tells me the dynamics between her sister, their mother and her are "totally different". She always says that. No self-awareness at all. Not an iota.

LayZ boy has always needed to compete with me

LayZ boy, a male, tries to compete with me, a female, all the time.

He seems to think that he needs to compare his male torso with my female torso and tell me that he has the better body because I don't have a 6-pack stomach, yet neither does he. He is male and is supposed to have less body fat than me, a female, but he cant seem to understand that concept of reality. Most women (unless they are athletes or body builders) wont have a 6-pack in their abdominal area and most women don't want to. It is enough to have a flat stomach and look good in your clothes.

The other day LayZ boy was in the hallway telling me that I don't have muscles in my stomach like has on his stomach. He's never felt my stomach so how would be know anyway?  And I do have toned muscles in my abdominal area, I just have a little bit of a convex shape, very female and womanly, but not overly so. When I wear anything tight, it looks like I have a flat stomach.

Anyway, LayZ boy lifted up his top to show me his abdomen and told me that he had a better body and that I was obese. Yes, sure, I am a size 10-12 (USA 6-8), of course, I am obese! What an idiot he is! And then he starts telling me that I have to watch what I eat because my waist is obviously bigger than 80cm (which is a risk factor for diabetes and heart disease) and told me that I am a fat, obese loser. I just looked at him and told him he was an idiot and walked away to my bedroom and locked the door.

LayZ boy cant seem to comprehend that he is a male and I am female and that we don't have the same bodies to compare - it is ludicrous to do so. He obviously doesn't think too highly of himself to have to compare his body to a woman's in order to come out the winner. What idiocy I have to put up with. Needless to say, this is one of the many reasons I do not engage in conversation with him because he has no ability to be normal to me.
First of all, he has never measured my waist and secondly my waist is 75cm - I measured it about a week ago, so he knows nothing and is just spouting total boorish nonsense, as usual. He's just saying these things to bait me, upset and antagonise me. He's been doing that since we were children and wont stop now that he's an adult. He is a total and utter moron with no brains to call his own.