Feeling sick - still

I still feel sick today.  I woke up feeling like crap, everything in my head hurting me, a bit of a fever, feeling very exhausted and my lungs also hurting, but I had some food (blueberry smoothie) and I feel a bit better and I also took my iron and multivitamin formula too.

Thankfully, now my head doesn't hurt like it did when I woke up.  I still have the fever, I still feel tired and my lungs hurt a bit, so at least one part is getting better, hopefully the rest will become better soon too. Here's hoping!

This is the whole problem with me.  I am always getting sick.  My immune system is so pummelled by the three idiots who I live with, the family who is supposed to love and support me, but who, instead give me abuse, violence and threats!  So no wonder I am so susceptible to getting viral infections all the time.  

I don't get so sick in other places, where I am nowhere near them.  I know that I am worse in the city I live in, but I think it really is them.  The constant negativity, the constant put downs, the constant demoralisation, the threat of violence and abuse, never feeling like I am safe, always on the defence, always needing to feel vigilant about my safety. All of this has to be bad for my immune system, which is being beaten down by this horrible behaviour.  It's not right or fair that I have to bear the brunt of their anger with the world - I am not at fault and I am not the problem.  It is them!

I need to get to sleep earlier tonight and have a more restful sleep to help give me the energy I need to feel better.  Actually I need to have a bit of a lie down now, as I am feeling very exhausted from being on the computer for a while!

The absurdness of insane people

Just to highlight how insane and volatile my step-father is, I forgot to post this little threatening gem from him, which he uttered the other night after he came home from wherever he was.

My step-father noticed the windows open in the formal lounge room and obviously he close them, then proceeded to walk past my room (which I lock most of the time I am in here to prevent any of them just walking in like they like to do).  When my step-father got near my room, he said, in a very condescending, threatening way, "You really are asking for trouble aren't you?"

Excuse me, but how is opening a window, to let some air and cross ventilation into a house which is almost completely closed off from the external air "asking for trouble"?  I am at a loss to understand his thinking sometimes.

But then again, he has said to me, many times in the past that it has to be "his way" and that I have no rights at all according to him, so obviously he didn't like the window being open and that was his way of threatening me to not do anything that he didn't like. 

He is just unreasonable and volatile and there is nothing I can do to make him see reason.

Just insane!

Feeling sick - middle ear infection, sinusitis

Today (Wednesday 17 February 2010) I have been feeling quite sick from a middle ear infection that hasn't cleared up - I have had it on and off for several weeks now, but it has just recently flared up again, where sometimes I get pain in my ears, but especially my left ear.  And now I have developed sinusitis too.  

My nose is dripping mucous, I've had to blow it every few minutes; my head hurt, especially the left side, which seems to be the most affected (the middle ear and sinus passages); my lungs hurt to breathe too deeply; I have a bit of a low grade fever and I feel exhausted!

I got the results of a recent blood test today:

• Iron levels - my iron levels are a bit low, but better than last time they were tested (this is because I have recently started taking a liquid iron formula which has enriched my blood with more iron), but still, those levels could be better, so I need to continue the iron
•  White blood cells - my white blood cells, while they are within the normal range, are just on the border of the lowest level considered healthy. This means my immune system is not good and no wonder I get sick all the time
•  Vitamin B12 - surprisingly (or maybe not), my vitamin B12 levels are higher than the mid range that is considered healthy, still within healthy levels, but well within healthy levels. I think it's probably because I have been eating lots of shallots lately, which are rich in vitamin B12 (as well as folate and vitamin K) that I have enriched my blood with this nutrient
•  Vitamin D3 - while my vitamin D3 levels were within the normal range, the level was in the lower percentile, close to the lowest levels considered healthy. This shouldn't surprise me, considering I haven't been out much lately, because I have been feeling sick.  The last time it was checked, it was in the mid-range, so this means I just need to get outside more every day, to get myself some sunshine

I had some green vegetable curry for dinner tonight, topped with lots of shallots and then later had a big shallot and tomato salad, which seems to have stemmed the flow of mucous quite a lot and has reduced some of the pain, but still, it has not all gone.  I need to sleep properly tonight to help my body repair and heal itself from this virus that has infected my middle ear and sinuses.  The pain!

I know it's the stress of my life here with the nutcase family which is making my immune system lowered and makes me so much more susceptible to getting these viral infections all the time.  But in the same manner, the illness makes me less able to do much, which makes it difficult to go anywhere and this decreases my confidence in myself and it's just a catch 22 situation, which I am finding difficult to remove myself.  

Time for me to go to bed, to give my body the rest it needs to help it heal.

There's a mouse in the kitchen

Last night, long after my brother's manic episode, I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and I saw something move near the kitchen faucet.  I looked again and a little mouse went scurrying across the kitchen bench, hiding near some kitchen utensils.  

I moved those utensils and it went scurrying away to the other side and out near the fireplace.

Thinking that maybe the cat could find and get rid of it, I went to my room, got the cat (which woke him up) and put him on the floor near the fireplace.  The cat just sat there and proceeded to lay down, like he was about to go to sleep!  He just wasn't interested in anything else but sleeping.  I picked the cat from the floor and put him near where the mouse was on the bench, thinking that if he could smell the mouse's scent, he would try to find it.  As soon as I put the cat down, he walked away from there.  He wanted to sleep and there was nothing I could do to make him find the mouse, so I took him back to my room and back to his sleeping spot on my bed, where he proceeded to purr loudly and made himself very comfortable before going to sleep again.

When my mother came home from her gambling (it must have been after 2am), I told her there was a mouse in the kitchen. She just dismissed what I said.

Later, she came to my room and told me that it was my fault that there was a mouse in the kitchen because I leave the landing door open and the mice can get in from downstairs!  There is a door to the landing/entry which also leads to her junk rooms downstairs as well as the garage.

Now what she said is totally ludicrous.  I am supposed to know there are mice downstairs?  And why would I even think for a moment that there are mice downstairs?  That is insane!  And how is it my fault anyway, when everyone opens that door for cross-flow ventilation.  Everyone (including her) opens that door for cross-flow air ventilation. Oh man, this family could not be more insane if they tried!  

All my mother knows how to do is complain and blame me for everything because she cannot take responsibility for her actions and she refuses to see reality (about her son and husband's violence and abuse towards me).  But then again, how can she, when she totally condones it and even inflames it on purpose to make it happen.  Lovely huh?  Grrrrrrr!!

The manic and the maniacal

My brother LayZ boy must have been off his medication yesterday evening (or maybe he was taking some new ones), because he really had a major manic episode when he came home and found just me at home.

LayZ boy started stomping and even running (a bit) up and down the hallway, meanwhile banging his fist on the wall and on my door on his way up and down.  

LayZ boy was also talking to himself, screaming out "lock the door, lock it" on his way to lock some door (which was already locked).  

He was also screaming out, "every door, every door will be locked", then he called out to our step-father (who wasn't home and he knew that) and was having a conversation with him, telling him that he was going to close the windows. He started yelling to our step-father many time as if he could hear him, when he wasn't even here.  Then LayZ boy starts whistling as well as screaming loudly and then he started singing (very off-key) very loudly and banging on walls, to punctuate his singing, as he was stomping around the house like a lunatic. 

Next, he started saying loudly, "all secure, no-one here but me and... actually, no boys here but me and the cat".  Next thing he's yelling for the cat, telling the cat that he's going to "get you pussy" and then he starts going on about the chickens, how he's going to get the chickens (my parents have chickens, but at this time, they were safely locked inside their hen house as it's night-time and they need to be protected from foxes).

Then layZ boy was saying, "hello, hello" to no-one in particular and then calling out to the cat telling him, "come here, I've got sausages for you", which the cat wont eat because they are so high in fat (which I saved the cat from eating previously). LayZ boy finally finds the cat, provides him the dry food, which the cat eats and then the cat proceeds to saunter off to another room. LayZ boy gets upset at the cat because the cat didn't stay around after he was fed by my brother (maybe the cat could sense his insanity and didn't want to hang around) and next thing my brother is yelling for the cat, trying to find it.  I went out of my room to open the windows that my brother had closed (he stinks and the house needs some cross ventilation) and I found the cat near the landing, just as my brother came there too.  LayZ boy then proceeds to to tell the cat he is "a bloody disloyal cat, bloody cat, I feed you and you walk away".  Right!

I took the cat to my room, where he promptly fell asleep on my bed, quite happily and I continued watching television.

That was a total manic episode my brother had.  He is really sick!  

Now that I am writing about it, not actually experiencing it, I actually feel sorry for him, as he has no clue whatsoever how to deal with his mental illness, nor that he is even sick.  The three of them are like that, sick.  It wouldn't be so bad, except that they take out all their crap on me, which is not fair.