My mother's insane thoughts

My mother loves to say, "God will punish" XYZ for whatever imagined wrong they have done to her.

So, today, I decided to use her own line against her. I told her that the cat peeing on her bed was not only divine retribution but that "God was punishing" all three of them for being so awfully abusive to me.

She got really pissed of by that, because, I guess, the truth does hurt. She knows she has been a total bitch to me, she knows her husband has been a total prick to me and she knows her son has been a total asshole to me, so the cat peeing in their room wasn't anything I did, or encouraged, he just managed to do it on his own. That cut her bad.

That set her off telling me what a terrible daughter I am (yes, she is that deluded to tell me I am a bad person, because I tell her the truth about how abusive she, her husband and son LayZ boy are and she doesn't like it, so she attacks me and enables her son LayZ boy and husband to physically assault me, then lies to the police about it) and that every single thing is my "fault". She blames everything (and what is everything anyway?) on me. She continued to tell me how terrible I am and that I deserved to be hit by her husband and my brother LayZ boy.

I told her to just stop it and leave me alone, that I didn't want to hear any more of her nonsense.

She then started threatening to cut off my Internet connection. Basically because she felt so defensive and upset that I used her own words back to her and she did not like it one bit, she wanted to "punish" me, so she wanted to do what she could to take whatever she could that is important, away from me. She does this because I told her that she, her husband and son LayZ boy are getting paid back, in a small way by the cat peeing in their bedrooms. That is enough for her to go ballistic and to start yelling at me and threatening me. That of course, makes me defensive, so I told her that everyone they know is going to see their vile behaviour in the video I took of their violence and abuse. That set her off even more to say ridiculously mean things to me.

And when I walk away to go to the laundry and do something productive (like laundering my dirty clothes), because I don't want to get caught up in her nonsense, she starts telling me, "Yeah that's right, walk away when you know you're wrong."  I started yelling back, telling her that I wasn't wrong, I had proof of their vile behaviour and it was always them who were lying. She started threatening again, so I just started repeating over and over again, really loudly, to drown her voice, "I have the video and everyone will see how vile you three are."  Finally she walked away and left me in peace to do the laundry.

These people are insanity personified!

Adding insult to injury

My brother, LayZ boy has no clue whatsoever.

He cannot engage in conversation on a normal, emotionally healthy level. He just cant.  He can only talk like he is a five year old child. He is a five year old child in a 40 year old man's body.

When I was telling him and my parents that he cant smoke his cigarettes where the wind can carry his smoke into my room, not only did he say, "bye bye" and "get lost you loser", he also told me to "fuck off" and to "stop complaining about nothing" and that I was a "loser".  That's his catch-cry.  He is not smart enough to be able to articulate anything else and has nothing of sense to say to me anyway, so he calls me what he is really saying to himself. The idiot.

Yeah, I am the loser.  Not a man whose wife unceremoniously dumped all of his clothes in garbage bags and changed the locks so he couldn't get back into the house.  His wife told him he was abusive and rude, didn't care much for her and didn't treat her well and wouldn't work (that's right, LayZ boy is totally unskilled and illiterate). He is also a man whose children do not even talk to him or visit him or have anything to say to him.  He's taught them well.  To be totally emotionally unable to connect.  They have absolutely no respect for him and care little for him.  Again, he taught them well with his behaviour and his "absenteeism fathering skills" and mental abuse.  And he calls me a loser?  Of course he is talking about himself, not anyone else.

But it still hurts just the same, to bear the brunt of all their crap, almost every single day.  The disrespect, the selfishness, the abuse, the violence, the rudeness, the lack of decency, the tyranny and autocratic rule.

I dint know why this stuff upsets me this much, but it does.  Well, actually I do. It's because they both continue to protect and mollycoddle him and let him get away with his shitty behaviour and meanwhile, they treat me with less decency than you would treat your pet.  They take out all their crap on me, they use me as their punching bag and I am supposed to just take it.  I am supposed to just bear it from all three of the sick idiots!

Feeling sick - still

I still feel sick today.  I woke up feeling like crap, everything in my head hurting me, a bit of a fever, feeling very exhausted and my lungs also hurting, but I had some food (blueberry smoothie) and I feel a bit better and I also took my iron and multivitamin formula too.

Thankfully, now my head doesn't hurt like it did when I woke up.  I still have the fever, I still feel tired and my lungs hurt a bit, so at least one part is getting better, hopefully the rest will become better soon too. Here's hoping!

This is the whole problem with me.  I am always getting sick.  My immune system is so pummelled by the three idiots who I live with, the family who is supposed to love and support me, but who, instead give me abuse, violence and threats!  So no wonder I am so susceptible to getting viral infections all the time.  

I don't get so sick in other places, where I am nowhere near them.  I know that I am worse in the city I live in, but I think it really is them.  The constant negativity, the constant put downs, the constant demoralisation, the threat of violence and abuse, never feeling like I am safe, always on the defence, always needing to feel vigilant about my safety. All of this has to be bad for my immune system, which is being beaten down by this horrible behaviour.  It's not right or fair that I have to bear the brunt of their anger with the world - I am not at fault and I am not the problem.  It is them!

I need to get to sleep earlier tonight and have a more restful sleep to help give me the energy I need to feel better.  Actually I need to have a bit of a lie down now, as I am feeling very exhausted from being on the computer for a while!

Violence and abuse again

While this title suggests that maybe this is the only time I have been subjected to my family's abuse since the last time I posted, it definitely isn't.  I am just highlighting today's events because I want to show how insane they are and how little I have in this family dynamic.

Earlier this evening I went out to the pergola to find the cat eating sausage meat (the insides).  My parents have skinned some sausages that they got in a pub draw and rather than wasting them, they want to give them to the cat.  What they don't seem to realise is that cats shouldn't be eating meat that is that fatty as their digestive system cant handle that much fat.  These sausages were over 50% fat.

The cat wasn't really eating the sausage, just kind of licking around it, as he didn't really like it (obviously), so I took him in my arms and was going to bring him inside to give him some proper meat (I have some organic beef I have bought for myself but I don't mind giving him some).

At this time, my step-father was also there and he ordered me to put the cat down and let him eat the food.  I told him I wouldn't that it wasn't any good for the cat to give him such high fat meat, as it was bad for his digestion and can make him sick.  My step-father told me I knew nothing, that I was an idiot and that they had been feeding him the sausage meat all week.  He again ordered me to put the cat down.  I told him if the cat actually liked the sausage, he would be scrambling out of my arms to get to the food (like he always does if he's given food he likes) and as he couldn't understand the cat didn't want the food and that it wasn't any good for him besides?  Of course not.

I tried to walk through the verandah, but my step-father pushed me out and locked the door so I couldn't come inside. Mind you, I was holding the cat so he couldn't assault me too much, just push me away on the side that I wasn't holding the cat.

I banged on the glass door for him to let me in, but he just kept on yelling at me.

Finally he unlocked the door and let me through the door and as I went through, he pushed/hit me on my back. I could have fallen.  I could have fallen on the cat and hurt it because he pushed me hard (I was still holding the cat, who was just sitting in my arms, purring like the good cat he is). What a bloody idiot my step-father is.  Just violent, aggressive and abusive.

My mother then comes through the hallway as she finally heard the noise to see what was happening.  She takes my step-father's (he has a right to hit or push me) and proceeds to tell me it is their cat and they can feed it whatever they want and that I know nothing about cats.

Always its negativity from them, always.  They just have no clue how to behave like normal people at all.

All this does is bring me down so much.  It's become a vicious circle. I feel down because of their negativity, abuse and intolerance, which in turn brings me down even further to the point where I have no energy or motivation and then that brings me even further down.  

Totally vicious circle...

Drained of all my energy

I am so drained of all my energy after that argument with the nutcases of my family today.  It is awful having to deal with this crap on a daily basis. Just totally awful. So unbearable.

The other day, my mother left the light on in the landing, near the front door, I of course am in my study reading/Internet, several rooms away from it (and my mother is the one who left it on) and my brother, LayZ boy comes past and  hits my door as I am closing it, ensuring that I cant close it, telling me, "why did you leave the light on you fucking bitch, waking me up?"

Of course I have no idea what he is talking about and tell him so. He then proceeds to tell me that it's my fault that he's still awake because the light is on in the landing and I am a "fucking loser" for leaving it on to keep him awake on purpose. I told him to get lost and that I had nothing to do with the light, that it was his mother who must have left it on because she went downstairs age ago. His response?  "Fuck off you loser".... 

Right, so it's my fault that someone else left a light on keeping him awake. Then it's my fault again for letting him know exactly who left the light on (not me).  Right.  Just makes so much sense for him to behave like that doesn't it?

And according to my mother I am the one who is sick?  Right, yeah right!  I just tell her the truth about her son and she just cannot accept how sick she and her son are and just how deluded she and her thinking is.  Deflecting her insane thinking and what she really thinks about herself and her son onto me.  Great!

If I tell my mother anything that her son has done to me in a violent and abusive way, her response is either: "I wasn't here so I cant believe you" or "he told me you wouldn't do xyz, that's why he hit you/lashed out at you/whatever".  Meanwhile I am begging her, crying out loud, telling her to believe me and to do something about him.  And nothing. She just keeps repeating the same stuff to me, negating any responsibility on his or her part and telling me that I am sick and I need help!  Jeez, not only do they pile shit on me, but they then tell me that I am to blame for it, that everything that happens to me is my fault and that I don't deserve anything.  Wow, how messed up do you think they are??

My God these people are so not normal. They are just not normal. And I have been living with them my whole life.  They are sick, sick, sick.  You cannot even begin to comprehend just how sick they are.

I am just drained of energy having to deal with them and fight for my rights as a person who should not have to put up with their abuse!  And to top it off, I am physically sick most days and have no energy as it is, this just makes me worse still and it means I cannot get my shit together enough to find a way out of here and onto a better (and more normal) life.

God!!!

The assault in Aug 09

In mid August, my brother assaulted me and my parents lied to the police to protect him, so that he wouldn't go to jail.

We were in the kitchen/family room (my mother, brother, me and my step-father) and I told my mother that I couldn't handle the perfume my brother insists on wearing, it makes me ill (I am allergic to everything and get sick with sinus and asthma symptoms if I am near anyone with strong perfumes, but these people cant seem to comprehend this).

I told my brother Lay-Z boy that he doesn't need to come into the kitchen when I am cooking something especially just after he has been smoking as the cigarettes make me feel very sick, physically. He responded in his usual abhorrent irresponsible manner "who cares what you think or want, go fuck yourself".

He poured himself a glass of milk and at this point I am getting itchy all over my face, nose, neck and cant breathe properly totally frustrated with their attitudes (him being the narcissist, my parents apathetic), so I just pushed his glass across the bench and it fell over the bench and onto the floor.

Then, my brother grabbed my by the lapel of my top and pushed me against the pantry cupboard - smacked my head and shoulders against it - and started telling me that he was going to "fucking kill" me. He has this really mental look in his eyes and was holding me there and I couldn't get out of his hold. I told him to let me go and leave me alone, I started to push against his hand to try to get him off me, but I was in a totally vulnerable position, pinned against the pantry cupboard. He is 6 foot tall, with some muscles and how am I, a 165cm female going to fight against that?  Impossible.

Then a few seconds later, he put his hands at my throat and started to again tell me he was going to "fucking kill" me! I was so scared for my life, I thought that that was it, he was going to strangle and kill me.

Meanwhile, my mother is next to him, trying to pull him off me, unsuccessfully and my step-father is watching from the other side of the breakfast bar, like he was watching an interesting show on TV!

I called the police. They came and a few interviewed my parents and brother who lied to the police. The police officer I got was so sympathetic and believed me when I told him exactly what happened, but there was nothing they could do as my family lied to protect my brother.  What a betrayal??  The police officer told me how he thought they seemed so blase and complacent about the whole ordeal, that it seemed like it was nothing to them.  Thank goodness I got such a decent, compassionate police officer.

I just cannot believe my own mother would lie to protect her son and betray her own daughter.  What a mother! But then again, what else should I expect from people who have abused me all my life?  I was stupid to think she would be honest.

I left their house to go up north the very next day because I didn't feel safe there.

Another day in hell

Another day with the hell family.

My step-father and brother were in the sun room and I came out to show my step-father a gossip magazine with actors and my brother LayZ boy starts yelling at me and telling me what an "idiot" I am, how "stupid" I am, that I am "unmarried" and a "loser" just because I am talking to my step-father who is enjoying my conversation. 

My step-father told my brother to stop all of his ranting and raving, several times, but my brother continued to say his crap over and over again.  My brother cant handle it if I talk to my step-father because it means that he wont get on my brother's little bandwagon of lies, so that's why he lashes out at me.  So vindictive and childish. Unbelievable!

Now these comments from my brother are rather richly ironic, considering I am the educated one, I am the successful one (probably not so much at the moment, but that's a different story), I am single by choice right now and in any case, it's my brother who failed miserably at his marriage, to the point where his wife dumped all of his clothes in garbage bags into his car and changed the locks so he couldn't come back inside. She dumped him so unceremoniously and he's cut and taking it out on me. His wife told him that he she couldn't take any more of his abusive and aggressive behaviour.

My brother, LayZ boy is a drug addict, he's addicted to the pain medication Oxycontin (also known as "Hillbilly Heroine") and is really more angry than ever. And he still behaves like he's an errant 5 year old brat whose mother never taught him any boundaries, so now he does whatever he wants with her permission (explicit and complicit).

The argument, which I have on video/sound culminated with me telling my brother that I recorded him the other day saying to me, "You want me to hit you again"... and that's when he got really irate and really angry. Starting calling me a "fucking cunt", "slut", "loser", "bitch", "not married slut" and on and on, really angry. I stayed quite a way away from him, ready to lock the door on my study if he suddenly lashed out at me, like he is wont to do at times.

My mother defends him completely, she even says that my brother does nothing wrong and that everything is all my fault. That I am the one who starts everything that I am the one who causes arguments.  She wont see that it's LayZ boy my brother who is always at fault, but she wont see what is really going on because she doesn't want to acknowledge anything negative about her son. She refuses to see him for what he is. This also means she totally condones his violent abusive behaviour towards me and he knows it, the cunning sly person that he is.

As far as my mother is concerned, it is my fault that my brother started saying these hateful things to me, because I went into the sun room to talk to my step-father, so I have only myself to blame for my brothers' vitriol. He didn't do anything wrong, apparently I did for walking in there. See how deluded she is? 

I completely ignore my brother, don't talk to him at all, don't acknowledge him at all.  Yet, he finds ways to irritate and annoy me, to try to elicit some sort of reaction from me because he knows that I will get all upset and tell him to stop (he does it to get me to get upset) and then he'll go to my mother and say to her, "see, she's yelling at me, I didn't do anything to do".  It's a lie, of course, but because he's so good at manipulation, she believes him. She believes everything he says to her.

I am so sick of these mentally sick, abusive people. They drain my energy and make me feel bad every day.