The superstitiousness craziness of my mother

It is so tiresome having to deal with a mother like mine.

She is totally superstitious. She believes that if she puts incense all around the house, it will get rid of the "evil spirits" that invade my body and make me behave to her liking! Sounds like she has some major delusions about things which are not real.

My very ignorant and superstitious mother thinks that we do not get along because she believes that I have been influenced by evil spirits! That is some sick stuff to believe. I think it is delusional. She wont take responsibility for her actions, for her behaviour and for her words so she wants to blame it on something that is not rational or even logical to support her point of view. My mother certainly does have have issues with her mental facilities.

So, she gets her incenses and says her prayers all around the house to get rid of the "evil spirits", thinking that her belief in God will ensure that I behave in a way she thinks is appropriate - obsequious and subservient.

After she has totally smoked out my bedroom for a few minutes with the smoke from the incense, she then closes the door, so my room becomes uninhabitable for me. She knows I have allergies, but her need to get rid of the non-existent evil spirits over-rides any health issues I have! Of course. She doesn't think about me at all, ever!

She did this the other day and I told her not to do that ever again, because it meant I could not go into my bedroom for hours. She said she would not, but I don't trust her to keep her word because she lies and thinks nothing of breaking every promise she makes. And besides, she is deluded and thinks I wont notice if she does it, but I do.

Ugh, the idiocy I have to put up with in this house of lunatics!

I am in shock as I realise just how sick my mother is

I really cant believe my mother is this sick, to call the police and purposely lie to them about her own daughter, in order to sacrifice her!

Every time the police have come here, my mother tells them that I scream and yell for no reason and they don't know why and it's really hard for them to have to put up with a mentally unwell daughter. Then she tells me she didn't say anything to the police at all. Oh man, I cant believe my own mother would lie so outright like that to everyone, especially me.

It's just sickening.

I finally realised just how sick my mother is today when she again lied to the police when she called them, telling them that I was yelling and screaming and upsetting everyone. Again a lie. And when I told the police officer on the phone what really happened (ie the truth), my mother kept saying, "She's lying, she's lying".  My parents have two phones, so I took the other phone and spoke into it to give them the truth.

I just cant believe how far her lies and delusions go, but obviously very far indeed!

And if I didn't have the videotape evidence of my brother yelling abuse at me, my step-father trying to throw forks and books at me and my mother forcibly trying to grab my phone, with all three of them yelling at me, telling me I am sick and an idiot - then the three of them would have again lied to the police and told them I was yelling and screaming at them and they felt defenceless against me! That's just unbelievable how much all of them lie. Then they would have convinced the police that I was sick in the head (like they did the other times) and as the three of them stand united with the same story, it makes it believable, so the police think I am the issue. And that is totally not reality. Thank goodness this time I videotaped it all so that there was could be no confusion about what really happened. And that is why the police believed me and told me I needed to get the hell away from these people, as it wasn't safe for me here.

I simply cannot fathom how a mother can betray her daughter like this. It's just unbelievable that she would do anything to protect herself, her son and her partner and lie and betray me over and over again. It's simply disgusting!

Some more of my mothers delusions

On two occasions recently my mother has suggested I take my brother for a drive somewhere and have a nice chat with him. She said it would be nice if we, brother and sister could spend some quality time together like that.

Each time she said it, I just looked at her in complete amazement that her delusions would make her say something as insane as that.It's unfathomable to me that she is so deep in her delusions that she cant seem to understand that ours is not a "happy family" and that it never has been and that something like that will not work.

The idiot brother of mine, when he sees me, either tells me "fuck off" or "you fucking loser" or he sticks up his finger to me and gives me "the bird", with his middle finger. And if I try to talk to him, he tells me to "get lost". That is the person I am supposed to talk to to try to ask him to come with my anywhere?  She is kidding!

Even when I have tried to be nice him in the recent past, by asking him if he wanted food or telling him I closed up the chicken pen, he just grunts at me from his closed bedroom door, but only after I knock many times because at first he does not even deign to respond. Oh yes, he is such a normal person and the "suggestion" my mother made is so feasible and sensible. Totally not!

I told my mother that first of all he wears strong perfume and I cant tolerate it in the house where doors are open, nevertheless in an enclosed space like the car, which will just make it hard for me to breathe and secondly, he is an obnoxious asshole who takes great pleasure in antagonising, hurting and insulting me every chance he can get. I then told her I didn't know what planet she was living on, but it wasn't planet reality. Each time I then walked out of the room where she decided to accost me with this "suggestion".

I just kept shaking my head at this major delusion of hers. She will not see the reality and that is the issue here. She is responsible for keeping him behaving the way he behaves because she does not set up any boundaries (never has) for him, she does not apply any consequences to his actions and she allows him to get away with basically anything he does. Then she lays the blame all on me for everything, she continues to defend him and that just makes him behave even worse because he knows he can get away with anything as she will protect him. I am in such an unenviable position here.

How dare she lay all the responsibility on me. How dare she try to make it all about me. How dare she try to make it look like if I just took him aside, that is all it would take to make him behave normally and of course that puts all the blame and onus on me!  She is some piece of work that mother of mine! And I refuse to buy into her mad delusions any more.

More nonsense

I think my mother is completely delusional, my brother LayZ boy is a narcissistic psychopath and my step-father is totally volatile. It is difficult for me to predict any of their behaviour with any degree of accuracy as they are all emotionally volatile and anything can set them off to spout angry words to me.

My brother LayZ boy used to say, when he was in his late teens that he read the story of Narcissus and he thought that that was exactly the same as him.  He also fell in love with himself when he looked at himself in the mirror and got lost in himself. Narcissus fell in love with himself when he saw his reflection in some water. He has always been in love with himself and has never done anything for anyone else that didn't benefit him in some way. 

In the past LayZ boy would beg me to borrow money and he would tell me that he would even give me interest if I didn't believe that he would genuinely return it within the week. Yes, I got fooled by this so many times. I would lend him money, he wouldn't return it - in fact he refused point blank to return it, telling me it was my own fault for lending him the money and he didn't have to give it back, or to ask my parents for the money. He is so totally selfish and has total disdain for anyone else. He wants, he gets and then he discards. Psychopath.  He is so good at manipulating and lying and he is so good that people really believe him, as he puts his heart and soul into selling himself to you.  Psychopathic liar.

My mother on the other hand, totally molly-coddles her narcissistic son. She wont let him pick up a dishcloth to wash any dishes, because it is beneath him to do anything. So he leaves dirty dishes in the sink every day and she washes them. She wont let him wash his own clothes, because again, it is beneath him to do that, so she washes his clothes, hangs them up to dry, folds them or irons them.  A 40 year old man whose mother does everything for him and excuses all his vileness as lovely quirks of his personality.  What an upstanding human being my brother, Lay-Z boy turned out to be!

It's really hard to accept this about these people, but they are not normal.  Even my step-father, in moments of clarity states that my brother is not normal and will probably die before he is 50 because of his drug addiction, smoking every day (with the lovely smoker's cough), not eating properly and not living normally.  When I tell my mother that even her husband thinks her son is not normal, her response? "Shut your mouth". Oh how lovely huh?  What a lovely thing to say.  She is so completely in denial about her son.

Oh yes, she tells him it's okay to smoke his cigarettes in his bedroom at night.  See how smart she is. He can fall asleep with a cigarette in his mouth/bed one day and set the whole house on fire.  What a nice thing for a mother to want for her son. 

She is such an enabler. She continues to enable his sick behaviour because she is also sick.  She does not know what it means to be normal and that's because she is not and neither is her son. In denial, both of them. So far in denial that they wont ever face the truth, never.

And they blame me because I flash a lovely mirror of reality up to them and they absolutely cannot handle it. They deflect, ignore, get angry or try to blame just so that I can "shut my mouth" about reality as neither of them is willing to face it.

Drained of all my energy

I am so drained of all my energy after that argument with the nutcases of my family today.  It is awful having to deal with this crap on a daily basis. Just totally awful. So unbearable.

The other day, my mother left the light on in the landing, near the front door, I of course am in my study reading/Internet, several rooms away from it (and my mother is the one who left it on) and my brother, LayZ boy comes past and  hits my door as I am closing it, ensuring that I cant close it, telling me, "why did you leave the light on you fucking bitch, waking me up?"

Of course I have no idea what he is talking about and tell him so. He then proceeds to tell me that it's my fault that he's still awake because the light is on in the landing and I am a "fucking loser" for leaving it on to keep him awake on purpose. I told him to get lost and that I had nothing to do with the light, that it was his mother who must have left it on because she went downstairs age ago. His response?  "Fuck off you loser".... 

Right, so it's my fault that someone else left a light on keeping him awake. Then it's my fault again for letting him know exactly who left the light on (not me).  Right.  Just makes so much sense for him to behave like that doesn't it?

And according to my mother I am the one who is sick?  Right, yeah right!  I just tell her the truth about her son and she just cannot accept how sick she and her son are and just how deluded she and her thinking is.  Deflecting her insane thinking and what she really thinks about herself and her son onto me.  Great!

If I tell my mother anything that her son has done to me in a violent and abusive way, her response is either: "I wasn't here so I cant believe you" or "he told me you wouldn't do xyz, that's why he hit you/lashed out at you/whatever".  Meanwhile I am begging her, crying out loud, telling her to believe me and to do something about him.  And nothing. She just keeps repeating the same stuff to me, negating any responsibility on his or her part and telling me that I am sick and I need help!  Jeez, not only do they pile shit on me, but they then tell me that I am to blame for it, that everything that happens to me is my fault and that I don't deserve anything.  Wow, how messed up do you think they are??

My God these people are so not normal. They are just not normal. And I have been living with them my whole life.  They are sick, sick, sick.  You cannot even begin to comprehend just how sick they are.

I am just drained of energy having to deal with them and fight for my rights as a person who should not have to put up with their abuse!  And to top it off, I am physically sick most days and have no energy as it is, this just makes me worse still and it means I cannot get my shit together enough to find a way out of here and onto a better (and more normal) life.

God!!!