Today I just feel numb. And exhausted. It's like I am outside my body looking in.
I think I get to the numbness when I am just so overwhelmed with all these emotions that my mind simply cannot handle it any more so I block it all out, every single emotion so I feel nothing. Hence the numbness. The numbness make me feel stronger in one way, impenetrable to my family's stinging barbs and obnoxious behaviour. It gives me a respite from all the emotions so that I can try to come to terms with whatever is going on, so I don't self-implode.
While this is a good defence mechanism in one way, it is also a bit bad too, because it means I feel nothing physically too. I have the weird "out-of-body" sensation when I get this numb, so then it's almost like I cant feel my body either. This is not good because it means I am drifting along like I am some non-entity, not really living, but just existing in some invisible way.
I just feel so heavy and clumsy too - that is how this numbness manifests as well. I don't have the energy to function normally because all my energy is going into making me feel numb (mind/body/spirit) so there is no more energy left for anything else really.
Again today, I feel like crying so badly, but the numbness is overwhelming that if I cry, it means feeling my emotions and since I don't want to do that, whenever the tears threaten, my numbness immediately stops them from falling. They gather in my eyes a little, then they are gone, replaced by the numbness. I don't have the energy to cry, I don't have the energy to laugh, I don't have the energy to do much at all, but just sign and write this, in the vain hope that I can feel some semblance of normality in my head. Something akin to having a normal life, but while I stay here I know I wont. Yet the numbness causes me to be impotent and have no ability to carry out anything for my own good, so here I stay, rotting away.
And in the background, all I can hear is the three of them arguing about something. They can't discuss anything in a sensible, rational manner, they have to argue about everything because not one of them has any sense or the ability to have any kind of rational discourse with anyone. Ugh!
