Lovely with no Lay-Z boy around

It's been so nice to have the house basically to myself with no LayZ boy around and no mother around has been nice too, as you cant ever tell whether she is in a good mood (and be nice to you) or bad mood and will bite your head off (figuratively) for no reason.

There is no manic person running from his room to the lounge room, piling his glass with ice (and it's freezing weather at the moment in late autumn), only because he wants to come into the room that I am in to imbue it with his smell so that I will not feel well. He even blows around the room with his mouth when he walks into the lounge room just before going into the kitchen and sometimes flaps his arms around too. He is the definition of insanity!  I totally ignore him, but he continues to do this. When it's day time, he will stomp really hard on the floor to make a lot of noise when he's walking from his room to the lounge room, irrespective of whether I in my bedroom or the lounge room, to try to intimidate me in some way.  He also bangs on the walls of the hallway, near my bedroom if he knows that I am there, also in order to annoy and antagonise me. That is not what a normal, mentally well person does.  So the fact that he was not around last night and most of today has been a blessed relief.  It has been wonderful not to have to be subjected to his idiotic, manic behaviour and total childishness.

Not only that, but  LayZ boy stinks! He doesn't shower regularly - about once a month!

My mother, another manic person is also unpredictable - you never know whether she is upset about something or whether she is happy - she can change moods within seconds. She criticises me for doing something that she has either just done or just about to do. And when she does it, I remind her that she shouldn't criticise me for something that she does, her response is: "It was different when I did it, I didn't mean to do it." Of course. What she means is that I don't do things accidentally, only she does. I only do things on purpose and she never does. Yes right, of course! Such a big hypocrite. And then she'll yell at me for daring to disagree with her. Oh boy, it is difficult with someone like her. I have often wondered if she has some sort of mental disorder, as she does seem to have symptoms - erratic, major delusions, emotions change quickly, liar, emotionally manipulative, rages, vindictive, hateful, hurtful, angry - I have always though that maybe she needed help for her issues, but of course she would never admit there was anything wrong with her, because she is so deluded.

Not having both LayZ boy and my mother around last night and today has been such a relief - there has been no-one here to annoy and antagonise me.

Feeling numb all over

Today I just feel numb.  And exhausted.  It's like I am outside my body looking in.

I think I get to the numbness when I am just so overwhelmed with all these emotions that my mind simply cannot handle it any more so I block it all out, every single emotion so I feel nothing.  Hence the numbness.  The numbness make me feel stronger in one way, impenetrable to my family's stinging barbs and obnoxious behaviour.  It gives me a respite from all the emotions so that I can try to come to terms with whatever is going on, so I don't self-implode.

While this is a good defence mechanism in one way, it is also a bit bad too, because it means I feel nothing physically too.  I have the weird "out-of-body" sensation when I get this numb, so then it's almost like I cant feel my body either.  This is not good because it means I am drifting along like I am some non-entity, not really living, but just existing in some invisible way.

I just feel so heavy and clumsy too - that is how this numbness manifests as well.  I don't have the energy to function normally because all my energy is going into making me feel numb (mind/body/spirit) so there is no more energy left for anything else really.

Again today, I feel like crying so badly, but the numbness is overwhelming that if I cry, it means feeling my emotions and since I don't want to do that, whenever the tears threaten, my numbness immediately stops them from falling. They gather in my eyes a little, then they are gone, replaced by the numbness.  I don't have the energy to cry, I don't have the energy to laugh, I don't have the energy to do much at all, but just sign and write this, in the vain hope that I can feel some semblance of normality in my head.  Something akin to having a normal life, but while I stay here I know I wont.  Yet the numbness causes me to be impotent and have no ability to carry out anything for my own good, so here I stay, rotting away.

And in the background, all I can hear is the three of them arguing about something.  They can't discuss anything in a sensible, rational manner, they have to argue about everything because not one of them has any sense or the ability to have any kind of rational discourse with anyone.  Ugh!