Toothache a little better today than yesterday, but still painful

Amazingly I did manage to get to sleep last night without too much trouble. The whole cloves I used in my mouth did have a good effect, by numbing the gum and tooth area somewhat, enough to stop the worst of the pain. So this enabled my body to relax enough to be able to get to sleep.

Today, I had a bit of pain again when I woke this morning, so I used two more cloves in my mouth near the poor chipped tooth and that seemed to dissipate the pain to an extent where it was bearable, to not hurting at all.

Now, this evening, I am pretty much free of any severe pain, so that is wonderful. The pain is unbearable when it starts hurting, so to be free of it is really great. It is a really sharp undulating pain that comes and goes, but when it comes, man does it hurt a lot. It seems like my whole jaw is in pain.

I really have to find a dentist next week, to refill the hole and probably put a porcelain crown on it, as it needs to be strengthened. Maybe it will need a porcelain onlay or inlay, then the crown. Will have to find out from the dentist.

Sweet foods (chocolate or even hot tea with sugar) make the pain so much worse. Vegetables and fruit, legumes and other natural produce don't produce that much pain at all. My diet is pretty good anyway, my only indulgence is organic or European chocolate, which I now cant eat for a little while, so it wont be difficult to manage. I just cant handle the pain so whatever it takes to prevent it will be done. I also have to eat food on the left side of my mouth because I cannot chew anything on the right side, where the chipped tooth is, at the top jaw.

Feeling numb all over

Today I just feel numb.  And exhausted.  It's like I am outside my body looking in.

I think I get to the numbness when I am just so overwhelmed with all these emotions that my mind simply cannot handle it any more so I block it all out, every single emotion so I feel nothing.  Hence the numbness.  The numbness make me feel stronger in one way, impenetrable to my family's stinging barbs and obnoxious behaviour.  It gives me a respite from all the emotions so that I can try to come to terms with whatever is going on, so I don't self-implode.

While this is a good defence mechanism in one way, it is also a bit bad too, because it means I feel nothing physically too.  I have the weird "out-of-body" sensation when I get this numb, so then it's almost like I cant feel my body either.  This is not good because it means I am drifting along like I am some non-entity, not really living, but just existing in some invisible way.

I just feel so heavy and clumsy too - that is how this numbness manifests as well.  I don't have the energy to function normally because all my energy is going into making me feel numb (mind/body/spirit) so there is no more energy left for anything else really.

Again today, I feel like crying so badly, but the numbness is overwhelming that if I cry, it means feeling my emotions and since I don't want to do that, whenever the tears threaten, my numbness immediately stops them from falling. They gather in my eyes a little, then they are gone, replaced by the numbness.  I don't have the energy to cry, I don't have the energy to laugh, I don't have the energy to do much at all, but just sign and write this, in the vain hope that I can feel some semblance of normality in my head.  Something akin to having a normal life, but while I stay here I know I wont.  Yet the numbness causes me to be impotent and have no ability to carry out anything for my own good, so here I stay, rotting away.

And in the background, all I can hear is the three of them arguing about something.  They can't discuss anything in a sensible, rational manner, they have to argue about everything because not one of them has any sense or the ability to have any kind of rational discourse with anyone.  Ugh!