The duplicity is overwhelming

The very ironic thing is that very few people have seen the way my family treats me because they mostly "act" in a normal manner when other people are around.  Their duplicity of behaving "normal" like everything is fine and they don't hurt me in front of other people every day upsets me so much!  It makes me feel like I am just imagining all of this stuff, that it's not really happening and I have no right to be upset because, look, how nice my family are in front of other people.  Obviously it must be my fault!

Twice in the past (once when he was drunk and once sober when I was in my late teens to early 20's) my step-father behaved in his normal abusive, violent way towards me in front of other people.  He actually showed who he was and these people had to restrain him from trying to beat me up.  After that, both people tried to counsel him about his behaviour, telling him that he was being an awful person and he shouldn't treat his step-daughter (or anyone in his care) in that manner.  That he should have more respect for me than what he was displaying.  That he was being really hard on me and abusing me needlessly and mercilessly.

Of course my step-father acted all repentant and said that he was drunk or that it was out of character and he never treats me in that way normally and of course my mother backed him.  Yeah right.  But what could I say?  And what could these people do anyway.  They didn't live in our home and couldn't protect me from his wrath if I spoke out against him and told them that he actually did hit me every day and not only did he hit me every day, but so did my mother.  I couldn't tell them that these people would laugh at me, mock and deride me and put me down all the time.  If I told anyone what was going on, they would hurt me more, hit me more and punish me in other ways and I really couldn't risk that happening, so I kept quiet, kept it to myself and these people thought that everything was fine.  I think they asked me after these incidents if things were fine and I told them that everything was okay.  What else could I say?  The truth?  My parents would hit me more and tell me not to cry while they were hitting me.  The more I cried, the more I got hit.  I had no idea.  I thought if I begged for mercy, begged them to stop, they would.  But they didn't.  They just kept going. Merciless!

While the bruises healed on the outside, the ones on the inside have never healed.  Every day is hell with these people.

Adding insult to injury

My brother, LayZ boy has no clue whatsoever.

He cannot engage in conversation on a normal, emotionally healthy level. He just cant.  He can only talk like he is a five year old child. He is a five year old child in a 40 year old man's body.

When I was telling him and my parents that he cant smoke his cigarettes where the wind can carry his smoke into my room, not only did he say, "bye bye" and "get lost you loser", he also told me to "fuck off" and to "stop complaining about nothing" and that I was a "loser".  That's his catch-cry.  He is not smart enough to be able to articulate anything else and has nothing of sense to say to me anyway, so he calls me what he is really saying to himself. The idiot.

Yeah, I am the loser.  Not a man whose wife unceremoniously dumped all of his clothes in garbage bags and changed the locks so he couldn't get back into the house.  His wife told him he was abusive and rude, didn't care much for her and didn't treat her well and wouldn't work (that's right, LayZ boy is totally unskilled and illiterate). He is also a man whose children do not even talk to him or visit him or have anything to say to him.  He's taught them well.  To be totally emotionally unable to connect.  They have absolutely no respect for him and care little for him.  Again, he taught them well with his behaviour and his "absenteeism fathering skills" and mental abuse.  And he calls me a loser?  Of course he is talking about himself, not anyone else.

But it still hurts just the same, to bear the brunt of all their crap, almost every single day.  The disrespect, the selfishness, the abuse, the violence, the rudeness, the lack of decency, the tyranny and autocratic rule.

I dint know why this stuff upsets me this much, but it does.  Well, actually I do. It's because they both continue to protect and mollycoddle him and let him get away with his shitty behaviour and meanwhile, they treat me with less decency than you would treat your pet.  They take out all their crap on me, they use me as their punching bag and I am supposed to just take it.  I am supposed to just bear it from all three of the sick idiots!

LayZ boy the smoker who will not cease

And now the idiot LayZ boy brother of mine was smoking near my room (I had my window open, which I do off and on as I don't know when that idiot will be going outside to smoke near my bedroom) and the smoke comes directly into my room, so that I am uncomfortable.  Fucking asshole!

I complain about it and nothing happens.  Basically they condone his actions.  Un-fucken-believable!  And his idiotic mother then goes on to defend his right to smoke where he wants to smoke.  And idiot LayZ boy starts deflecting and telling me "what if I smoked on the other side of the house, you would still be complaining", yeah right, because this is all about my baseless complaints not about his idiotic behaviour!  Idiot!  In addition to this, idiot LayZ boy kept saying to me, "bye bye, go to your room" in a completely dismissive way and neither my mother nor my step-father say to anything to him.  They told me to stop complaining about a "little bit of smoke" getting into my room because if it doesn't affect them, then how is it possible to be affecting me? Just because I am allergic to it, that's totally irrelevant to them!  They're unbelievable, truly unbelievable!  

Then my mother starts telling me that it's because of my complaints about LayZ boy smoking right next to the chickens that he doesn't smoke there much any more (oh right, so it's a healthy and good thing for him to smoke right on top of the chickens and for them to absorb his cigarette smoke every day?) and then she proceeds to tell me that he doesn't smoke near the trees on the other side of the house because I will complain that the smoke will come into the house.  Right, so because I sit in my room, I am nowhere near that part of the house, sure it has everything to do with me.  More like she told him not to smoke there as his smoke wafts in to where they are sitting in the sun room. It has nothing to do with me as I have never said anything like that to her.  She just lies to justify more of her lies.  And I am so completely frustrated and incredible upset every day because I cannot ever feel comfortable or safe.  Ever!  I am on high alert just about all day every day!

It's exhausting having to constantly defend myself and my right to have a comfortable existence and to constantly have to defend myself against their abuse and complacence. It is just debilitating to my whole mind and body and spirit.  No wonder I get sick, no wonder my immune system is so low, no wonder I cant get my act together.  I have no energy to do anything to lift myself from this really low ebb, absolutely no energy and no-one to help me.

I am so downtrodden and ill treated (I know it, I am aware enough, unfortunately to know what is going on) and I just feel like crying every day!  Living here with them, I am simply at their mercy and they have no mercy for me, just abuse and intolerance and tyranny. Their behaviour is just deplorable.  Just deplorable.

The abuse is just constant, never-ending

This afternoon I asked my step-father if he could give me a lift to the shops as he was going to the bank.  

When I went outside he was washing the bird poop from the bonnet, hood and top of the car (he parks it under the trees, in the shade because there is no shade anywhere else, as the garage has his van and my mother's car).

As soon as he saw me, he started going off at me, telling me that I would probably drive with the bird poop on the car and that I should have washed the car for him.  Stupidly I answered back to his nonsense and told him I didn't see it, so how would I know there was even bird poop there.  It was stupid of me to say anything of any sense to him because I know he cant see reason and is totally unreasonable.  

My step-father then started on a major rant (which is when I should have just left, but I needed to get to the shops, so I stayed but said nothing further to inflame him, or so I thought).  My step-father started telling me that they couldn't clean the house for the past 10 days because I didn't get up early enough (he refuses to clean the house after 10am, like there is an embargo on his ability to use his limbs after this time) and when I asked him if he realised that I was sick with a viral infection, he responded by barking at me "you're always sick, you're no use to anybody". But this wasn't the end of his rant, oh no, far from it.  He then started telling me, "you're so lazy and cant get a job, you're too old, no-one wants to employ you!  You should have got yourself some skills when you were younger and now you have none, no-one wants you."

I have a university degree, whereas he doesn't have any skills and neither does anyone else in my family but me.  I have many valuable skills, I am just down, sick and unable to lift myself from this quagmire of despair.  Oh man!

In the two minutes it took him to washed the bird poop from the car, he had totally demolished my spirit with his plentiful verbal abuse, the idiot.  

In the car I couldn't stop sneezing for the whole six minute ride and when I asked him how long he would be there and if he could give me a lift back, he started going on about how he didn't know how long he would be there, that he was going into every shop and for me just to catch a bus back because he didn't care to give me a lift back.  Asshole!  I should never have lowered myself to even ask for a lift. 

Later, after I caught the bus home and was on my computer, with my door open and my step-father walks past and tells me, "You stink, your room stinks, open your window you idiot".  My room does not stink.  The door is open, the air conditioner is on.  The idiot was just saying that to be obnoxious to me.  The abuse just never ends!  

This is like a prison to me, this house and the people here are cruelly taunting me and making my life a living hell to the point where I cant even begin to feel okay any more.  They are depleting my energy and debilitating my soul!

I always feel like I have to defend myself from their abuse when I should not have to contend with this crap!

The smoking issue rises again

I was woken up this morning with my step-father screaming at my brother LayZ boy for stinking out the toilet (which is right next to my room and right next to my bed head).  

My step-father went off his head yelling at my brother to not come inside as soon as he has finished a cigarette because he stinks out the house with his cigarette smoke filled self (this is what I have been complaining about for a while now, so it's rich that my step-father thinks this is the first time LayZ boy has done this).

My mother immediately comes to my brother's defence telling my step-father that he cant help smoking, he cant just stop like that (as if that is true, plenty of people, including my step-father who smoked for over 30 years stopped smoking cold turkey).  

I heard my mother telling LayZ boy that he doesn't need to take medications to stop smoking, that he should just taper his smoking slowly and try it that way (yeah, like LayZ boy has that kind of discipline and will power).  

My mother defends my brother's smoking like it is his divine right to smoke and smoke wherever he wants to outside, irrespective of whether or not his cigarette smoke will be blown inside the house by the wind.  Of course, because that is demi-God LayZ boy's divine right and we must put up with him smoking. 

And if anyone contradicts this, my mother defends LayZ boy like he is the poor victim who shall not be told what to do, he shall do whatever he wants to do and he knows she will defend him.  This is good for LayZ boy, as he often smokes near my window (so the smoke can come inside my bedroom and irritate my nose/lungs and make me ill) or if he hears that I am in the chicken enclosure, he smokes right outside it, so I have no choice but to pass him and be imbued with the cigarette smoke. 

When I complain about this, LayZ boy lies about where he was (especially if no-one saw him, so it's his word against mine and he knows our mother will defend him and not believe me) or he will make up something about not realising I was there.  Of course our mother defends him, our step-father yells a bit, but because our mother rules this house, he has no recourse to make any type of stand and I am again the one who gets screwed and gets more sick.  Nice of them!

The thing is, my mother is such an unbelievable liar and hypocrite.  If the neighbours fireplace is smoking and smells at night so that she cannot open her window, she screams and yells, curses them for their selfishness and calls the appropriate government officials to complain the next day.  Yet, when her son smokes cigarettes and if that smoke comes inside the house, she tells me (and my step-father) to close the windows because LayZ boy has a right to smoke wherever and whenever he wants and we obviously have no right to fresh air or to complain about it.  And when I remind her of this hypocrisy, she tells me it's totally different.  Yeah sure it is, in her deluded mind only where her son is a demi-god that everyone needs to worship! 

I just cannot fathom the mentality of these people.  They are living in some deluded mental space that bears no semblance to reality.  Not one iota!

The fact that I am severely allergic to his cigarette smoke, to dust, to perfumes and many chemicals in personal care/cleaning products is irrelevant to my mother.  Not only that, but the fact that I have been sick of late makes no bearing on her.  All she cares about is her son and his comfort.  Everyone and everything else she places a very low last.  She cares nothing for me that's for sure!