I am in shock as I realise just how sick my mother is

I really cant believe my mother is this sick, to call the police and purposely lie to them about her own daughter, in order to sacrifice her!

Every time the police have come here, my mother tells them that I scream and yell for no reason and they don't know why and it's really hard for them to have to put up with a mentally unwell daughter. Then she tells me she didn't say anything to the police at all. Oh man, I cant believe my own mother would lie so outright like that to everyone, especially me.

It's just sickening.

I finally realised just how sick my mother is today when she again lied to the police when she called them, telling them that I was yelling and screaming and upsetting everyone. Again a lie. And when I told the police officer on the phone what really happened (ie the truth), my mother kept saying, "She's lying, she's lying".  My parents have two phones, so I took the other phone and spoke into it to give them the truth.

I just cant believe how far her lies and delusions go, but obviously very far indeed!

And if I didn't have the videotape evidence of my brother yelling abuse at me, my step-father trying to throw forks and books at me and my mother forcibly trying to grab my phone, with all three of them yelling at me, telling me I am sick and an idiot - then the three of them would have again lied to the police and told them I was yelling and screaming at them and they felt defenceless against me! That's just unbelievable how much all of them lie. Then they would have convinced the police that I was sick in the head (like they did the other times) and as the three of them stand united with the same story, it makes it believable, so the police think I am the issue. And that is totally not reality. Thank goodness this time I videotaped it all so that there was could be no confusion about what really happened. And that is why the police believed me and told me I needed to get the hell away from these people, as it wasn't safe for me here.

I simply cannot fathom how a mother can betray her daughter like this. It's just unbelievable that she would do anything to protect herself, her son and her partner and lie and betray me over and over again. It's simply disgusting!

Disloyal family is no family at all

I have recently told my mother not to expect any presents from me for any reason and not to give me any presents either. 

I also told her that as far as I am concerned I have no family and that there is no reason to buy presents for people who mean nothing to me.  I know it's harsh, but they hurt me all the time and her enabling of the LayZ boy brother is really awful that I don't know how else to show her that she is doing the wrong thing. But you know, my mother is so disconnected from her feelings that when I tell her this, her response is, "That's okay." She cant get in touch with her feelings enough to tell me that she is sorry or that she feels bad, because she's an abusive person.

One of the reasons I feel so bad about their disloyalty is that my mother goes to LayZ boy's room when she gets home and has a good old chat with him about his day. She also has a good bitch to him about me and he inflames her even more by saying really vulgar things about me and she doesn't even reprimand him or tell him to stop, she allows him to continue and joins him in the bitching. I know this, because when they think I am sleeping, I have listened to their conversation. It's really awful to know your own mother bitches about you constantly behind your back to all and sundry.  It's not just with my brother that she has a good bitch, she also bitches to all her friends, her family and anyone else she knows.  Just to "get it off her chest".  There is nothing to get off her chest - it's all of her own making, twisting facts to make it appear that she is the victim and that I am the villain.  My idiotic brother LayZ boy does the same.

My mother and brother both lie so much to everyone, but especially to me. And the thing is, because I take people at such face value and because I didn't realise how much of a liar my mother was, I always believed her, but now I realise how much she has lied to me over the years, it just makes me so sick. It's disgusting. They're such liars that there is no way I believe anything they say any more. My mother will lie to me about where the cat is (she's say she doesn't know when she does), for example and laugh at me when I go outside looking for him, calling his name. She seems to think its funny to torture me that way.  That is just a minor example of her lies. Another example: I asked her if LayZ boy paid her a certain amount of money, which she expected me to pay too and she told me that he had. I ask her again and she again told me he paid it and that I have to pay the same. Normally I would have believed her, but now I have accepted how dishonest she really is, I don't believe her, so I ask her to swear to God, as she will wont lie (she is religious) if she swears to God. With this example, she refused to swear to God. She then told me she wasn't sure about what LayZ boy paid and she'd have to find out. She came back a few minutes later, a bit shamefaced and told me that LayZ boy didn't actually pay what she first told me, that he only paid 1/4 of it. I asked her why did she have to lie in the first place and she got all defensive and started yelling at me, because she wouldn't face the truth - that she lied to me to manipulate me into giving her more money than I needed to. These two are just two examples of so many instances of her lies and manipulations!

My brother on the other hand, lies as much as he breathes. He will never be honest if he can help it. He tried to lie about not having my email address - even though I sent him an email, which means obviously he had my email address. His response to this? "But I didn't have your email address on me. So what if you sent me an email. That doesn't mean I had your email address."  Right.  No-one was questioning him about having my email address on his person, but rather me saying that I sent him an email, therefore he had my email address and him just refuting it and using more lies to cover up his first lie.

It's so unbelievable frustrating dealing with people like this. And because all I have ever been around is their negative influence, it stands to reason why I have only been attracted to and attracted people who were similar because that is what feels familiar to me and even though it's a destructive pattern, it's the only one I know.  It really makes so much sense now!

Major Realisation - Aha Moment

I think it must be because I have been reading a bit of the mindfulness and other positive psychology articles that I have had some realisations about my family and myself and that in turn has made things even worse between us!

It was a major "ahaaaaaaa" moment, as I started to see this whole situation (me and them) with completely different eyes, objective eyes, that allowed me to see it from a totally different perspective and understand it a little more, from a safe distance.

It was quite eye-opening for me, not only to realise these things, but to actually admit to myself that I had not accepted such great behaviour from other people in my life, which is something I did not want to see because it made me feel bad to think about it.  So that was a major breakthrough for me.  But it's just a start, as it has helped me break through the inability to really see myself and my life and the choices I have made and why I have made those choices based on how my family treat me, the messages I have received from them over the years and how I have manifested all those negative messages in all my major relationships with friends and boyfriends.

Let me talk about all the things I realised and understood a lot more clearly! I realised a few major things:

• I realised why I accepted less than I deserve from other people in my life
• I realised why I accepted it when people lie and use me and are not true and honourable to me
• I realised why I accepted scraps of attention and affection from people when they don't treat me that well otherwise
• I realised why I allowed myself to be used by people
• I realised why I craved approval and attention from others because I never felt like I ever had any from my family
• I realised why I let people abuse me and didn't stand up for myself much
• I realised why I never felt good enough
• I realised why I don't love myself

It just all made sense, because how could I ever have had good self esteem when I had the three of them (mother, step-father and brother), constantly criticise me and tell me all these negative things, send me negative messages about being ugly and that no-one would ever want me, that I didn't have a nice smile, that I wasn't good enough, that I always did the wrong thing, that I was a bad person, that I wasn't lovable!

So when someone is constantly flooded with messages like that every day, how are are you supposed to be happy with yourself?  No, you're not.

Nothing has changed

After the last time I posted, well over 2 months ago, it seems that nothing has changed other than me getting more viral infections and bronchitis.

In regards to the neighbours, my mother went over there the very next day to smooth things over, to do some major damage control, to make them think that I just get upset and scream for no reason and they just try to handle me as best as they can and to convince them that nothing I said to him was true!  How loyal is she to me?  I only found out about it when I saw him outside one day and I was outside and we spoke and when I said something about the situation not improved much, he responded with, "You just don't know what's the truth, who to believe. Your mother says one thing and you say something completely different!" I did tell him that there was no reason for me to make anything up, that there was no reason for me to lie. I don't think he wanted to get further involved than he already had been!

How sucky is that? My mother is more concerned about how people perceive her, my step-father and my brother than about my well-being. She cares more about making people think that everything is hunky dory with them and that I am the one with the problem. She wants to appear blameless and perfect in the eyes of her neighbours and wants to dump all the blame on me by lying about everything to them! By turning me into the villain, she can vindicate herself to everyone and appear blameless.

I am sure she would have told them that she loves me and tries so hard to understand me, but that I yell and scream at her and she just doesn't know why I am so awful to her. And of course, these are all total lies. She plays the role of victim so well because she knows how to lie so well to make people believe in her.

It's appalling to have such people as your close, blood relatives!

LayZ boy the smoker who will not cease

And now the idiot LayZ boy brother of mine was smoking near my room (I had my window open, which I do off and on as I don't know when that idiot will be going outside to smoke near my bedroom) and the smoke comes directly into my room, so that I am uncomfortable.  Fucking asshole!

I complain about it and nothing happens.  Basically they condone his actions.  Un-fucken-believable!  And his idiotic mother then goes on to defend his right to smoke where he wants to smoke.  And idiot LayZ boy starts deflecting and telling me "what if I smoked on the other side of the house, you would still be complaining", yeah right, because this is all about my baseless complaints not about his idiotic behaviour!  Idiot!  In addition to this, idiot LayZ boy kept saying to me, "bye bye, go to your room" in a completely dismissive way and neither my mother nor my step-father say to anything to him.  They told me to stop complaining about a "little bit of smoke" getting into my room because if it doesn't affect them, then how is it possible to be affecting me? Just because I am allergic to it, that's totally irrelevant to them!  They're unbelievable, truly unbelievable!  

Then my mother starts telling me that it's because of my complaints about LayZ boy smoking right next to the chickens that he doesn't smoke there much any more (oh right, so it's a healthy and good thing for him to smoke right on top of the chickens and for them to absorb his cigarette smoke every day?) and then she proceeds to tell me that he doesn't smoke near the trees on the other side of the house because I will complain that the smoke will come into the house.  Right, so because I sit in my room, I am nowhere near that part of the house, sure it has everything to do with me.  More like she told him not to smoke there as his smoke wafts in to where they are sitting in the sun room. It has nothing to do with me as I have never said anything like that to her.  She just lies to justify more of her lies.  And I am so completely frustrated and incredible upset every day because I cannot ever feel comfortable or safe.  Ever!  I am on high alert just about all day every day!

It's exhausting having to constantly defend myself and my right to have a comfortable existence and to constantly have to defend myself against their abuse and complacence. It is just debilitating to my whole mind and body and spirit.  No wonder I get sick, no wonder my immune system is so low, no wonder I cant get my act together.  I have no energy to do anything to lift myself from this really low ebb, absolutely no energy and no-one to help me.

I am so downtrodden and ill treated (I know it, I am aware enough, unfortunately to know what is going on) and I just feel like crying every day!  Living here with them, I am simply at their mercy and they have no mercy for me, just abuse and intolerance and tyranny. Their behaviour is just deplorable.  Just deplorable.