02 May 2010

Disloyal family is no family at all

I have recently told my mother not to expect any presents from me for any reason and not to give me any presents either. 

I also told her that as far as I am concerned I have no family and that there is no reason to buy presents for people who mean nothing to me.  I know it's harsh, but they hurt me all the time and her enabling of the LayZ boy brother is really awful that I don't know how else to show her that she is doing the wrong thing. But you know, my mother is so disconnected from her feelings that when I tell her this, her response is, "That's okay." She cant get in touch with her feelings enough to tell me that she is sorry or that she feels bad, because she's an abusive person.

One of the reasons I feel so bad about their disloyalty is that my mother goes to LayZ boy's room when she gets home and has a good old chat with him about his day. She also has a good bitch to him about me and he inflames her even more by saying really vulgar things about me and she doesn't even reprimand him or tell him to stop, she allows him to continue and joins him in the bitching. I know this, because when they think I am sleeping, I have listened to their conversation. It's really awful to know your own mother bitches about you constantly behind your back to all and sundry.  It's not just with my brother that she has a good bitch, she also bitches to all her friends, her family and anyone else she knows.  Just to "get it off her chest".  There is nothing to get off her chest - it's all of her own making, twisting facts to make it appear that she is the victim and that I am the villain.  My idiotic brother LayZ boy does the same.

My mother and brother both lie so much to everyone, but especially to me. And the thing is, because I take people at such face value and because I didn't realise how much of a liar my mother was, I always believed her, but now I realise how much she has lied to me over the years, it just makes me so sick. It's disgusting. They're such liars that there is no way I believe anything they say any more. My mother will lie to me about where the cat is (she's say she doesn't know when she does), for example and laugh at me when I go outside looking for him, calling his name. She seems to think its funny to torture me that way.  That is just a minor example of her lies. Another example: I asked her if LayZ boy paid her a certain amount of money, which she expected me to pay too and she told me that he had. I ask her again and she again told me he paid it and that I have to pay the same. Normally I would have believed her, but now I have accepted how dishonest she really is, I don't believe her, so I ask her to swear to God, as she will wont lie (she is religious) if she swears to God. With this example, she refused to swear to God. She then told me she wasn't sure about what LayZ boy paid and she'd have to find out. She came back a few minutes later, a bit shamefaced and told me that LayZ boy didn't actually pay what she first told me, that he only paid 1/4 of it. I asked her why did she have to lie in the first place and she got all defensive and started yelling at me, because she wouldn't face the truth - that she lied to me to manipulate me into giving her more money than I needed to. These two are just two examples of so many instances of her lies and manipulations!

My brother on the other hand, lies as much as he breathes. He will never be honest if he can help it. He tried to lie about not having my email address - even though I sent him an email, which means obviously he had my email address. His response to this? "But I didn't have your email address on me. So what if you sent me an email. That doesn't mean I had your email address."  Right.  No-one was questioning him about having my email address on his person, but rather me saying that I sent him an email, therefore he had my email address and him just refuting it and using more lies to cover up his first lie.

It's so unbelievable frustrating dealing with people like this. And because all I have ever been around is their negative influence, it stands to reason why I have only been attracted to and attracted people who were similar because that is what feels familiar to me and even though it's a destructive pattern, it's the only one I know.  It really makes so much sense now!

12 comments:

  1. My brother is a piece of crap. We can't even talk to him about his immature behavior because he explodes. He takes his wife's side even when she is abusive toward our elderly mother. He actually thinks he can control who is allowed into our house, a house he does not live in! He even denied us shelter when we had no power and he had a nice place to stay. I get where you're coming from and wish my parents had given him up.

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  2. Thanks for your comment anonymous.

    It is difficult having family members who behave this way and think it is okay or reasonable, when it's so obviously not. It's sad that family treat other family members in such a despicable way.

    I wish you well with your family. I hope you can find a way to distance yourself from them, as that seems to be the only way to have a relationship with them - at a distance. Sad but true, unfortunately.

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  3. I know i'm late to this post but i feel like i can relate in so many ways. Its not my mother but her family. She gives them every excuse for their behavior towards one another and its baffling. I am so fed up with my family that i've thought about relocating to another country and i still havent ruled it out. I thank you for this post because i know im not the only one dealing with people who youre suppose to love and those feelings are suppose to be reciprocated

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  4. Thanks for your comment Valencia.

    At least your mother is okay, but obviously the rest of the family behaving that way is not.

    From the amount of people that read this blog and especially these pages about my family, I can see that you and I (and the other anonymous person above) are definitely not alone in having these types of family issues.

    Just keep your distance (physically) from them. Thats the only way I can have even a semblance of a relationship with mine.

    Hope you find some equilibrium with your family.

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  5. My three daughters are all gone from me. The last one in the middle of a terrible illness when her spouse dumped us out for his family. His family are the classic People of the Lie. They refuse to apologize for things they said and di to my daughter and the two grandkids. So my son-in-law is just like them and he coerced my sick daughter into just accepting them back after two years without any apology. It has my grandson so upset he talks about running away or moving to another country like Valencia has mentioned. I do not want to sound like I am incapable of wrongdoing but I do not know what I did to make my daughters treat me badly or this articular son-in-law. My other two son-in-laws were wonderful, but my daughters divorced both.

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  6. I am 2 yrs after your post so I hope you are still there. I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I feel for you. I wish I had good advice for you. I have been told that you have to meet people where they are. Your mom is just unable to give you what you need because of her own issues. Even though she is falling far short of what anyone would expect of a mother, she is possibly giving you everything she has left. I have issues with my family too so I know how heart breaking it can be, I have brothers who have always disliked me. They are 7 and 5 yrs older than me and I am the little sister. Big brothers are supposed to protect their little sisters but I always needed protection FROM them growing up. In adulthood we have always pretended to like each other and saw each other once a year. I am in the midst of an ugly separation from my husband now and they refuse to take my side....although I am not surprised, it really hurts. I am absolutely devastated as a write this. Just really confirms everything that I believed about them when I was little. I am very much alone. I wish you well. God bless you.

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  7. Hi anonymous - I am still here. I have to post some more updates on my life, but it's been rather busy lately.

    Thanks for your comment - sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time and that your family is not supportive to you at this difficult time of your divorce. Yes, big brothers are supposed to protect their younger sisters, but like me, your family probably didnt have the relationship and communication tools with which to communicate and love each other properly...

    I totally get what you are saying - that unfortunately for some of us, our families cannot give us the love, support and understanding we need and deserve, because of their own issues. And while I can understand that intellectually, it's still hard to accept because I dont do the same to her, despite having grown up in a similarly abusive household. Some people learn, some dont.

    I hope that once your divorce is finalised, you can finally get some closure and you can get the support you need from your friends. I hope you're okay.

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  8. you need to develop toughskin. those examples of "problems" are really not that bad. just being honest.

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    Replies
    1. John - maybe nothing would upset or hurt your feelings because you have a tough skin. While I appreciate your comments, you also need to know the full story about why I am so upset with my family. So let me tell you.

      All of them used to physically abuse me - my mother and step-father mainly (my father before that), to the point where I had bruises all over me. My mother would tell my step-father not to hit me on my body, because it left bruises and she didn't want anyone to know how they were abusing me, so they used to use belts, wood, whatever, on my backside and the palms of my hands. Every day. They used to make me kneel in the corner with my hands up against the wall for maybe 20 minutes and sometimes they would put rock salt under my knees as "punishment". And these were punishments for saying that I would wash the dishes in a minute, after finishing reading whatever I was reading or watching on tv - grossly unfair to punish someone for something so innocuous.

      My step-father continues to want to be violent to this day (and I am an adult) if he doesn't get his way. He wants to try to hit me. He throws things around and basically acts all horrible. Granted this behaviour is less and less these days, but he does still behave this way.

      And of course there is their son, who is a wimp, but because our mother lets him do what he wants, condones his behaviour, he acts menacing towards me and if I call the police, they all say he did nothing and I am just making it up. How disloyal is that?

      Now I hope you understand just how sensitive and upset someone must be to have come from a background like that and why these continued insults and bad behaviour continue to hurt and upset me.

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    2. I too, am in the process of letting my family go.
      They are not now, and have never been in my corner, no matter what the issue.
      They encourage a relationship with my ex husband. You know, the guy who started cheating on me when our first son was 3 weeks old. Lost count of all the others through the years.
      Their better to him than to me. They probably got that from my mother, who (after the divorce), invited him to Thanksgiving dinner, but not me or my kids. You see, she didn’t care much for my kids either, because she didn’t care for me.
      I knew as a small child that I was not loved. But it took years into my adulthood to figure out how her contempt for me influenced my siblings’ opinions. They can’t let go of their perception of me, based on my mother’s feelings. Or lack of feelings.
      I have been a good and caring sister. And my reward from them is apathy.
      I’m not angry. I’m sad. But I’ve lived with this for 50+ years, and I’m done with it.
      I will let them go with love and regret. But go they will.

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    3. I too, am in the process of letting my family go.
      They are not now, and have never been in my corner, no matter what the issue.
      They encourage a relationship with my ex husband. You know, the guy who started cheating on me when our first son was 3 weeks old. Lost count of all the others through the years.
      Their better to him than to me. They probably got that from my mother, who (after the divorce), invited him to Thanksgiving dinner, but not me or my kids. You see, she didn’t care much for my kids either, because she didn’t care for me.
      I knew as a small child that I was not loved. But it took years into my adulthood to figure out how her contempt for me influenced my siblings’ opinions. They can’t let go of their perception of me, based on my mother’s feelings. Or lack of feelings.
      I have been a good and caring sister. And my reward from them is apathy.
      I’m not angry. I’m sad. But I’ve lived with this for 50+ years, and I’m done with it.
      I will let them go with love and regret. But go they will.

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    4. That's awful Lee. Your family should always choose you over anyone else.

      I hope you are okay with it.

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