Feeling like crap today

I really feel like crap today, physically. I don't feel well at all, tired and lethargic and my lungs hurt still, because of the bronchitis that's still affecting me, which is making me cough a lot.

I am also menstruating at the moment too, which is another factor making me really tired and unwell. I always feel extra sleepy when I am menstruating due to the loss of blood and loss of iron and as I don't eat much meat anyway, it means I am losing a bit too much blood/iron and am not replacing it with the iron in my food and this makes me slightly anaemic. I don't really like red meat that much, so that means I don't eat it much either and that, together with the heavy blood loss each month contributes to my lower than normal iron (and haemoglobin) levels and makes me much more tired than I normally would feel at this time each and every month.

I also get menstrual pain, sometimes quite a lot, during the week of my periods, so that just adds to the whole misery and no painkillers ever help that much.  It also hurts to touch my stomach/abdominal area to the point where I couldn't even have my handbag on my side, as it was touching my stomach and making the pain much worse. I once had pain so bad, that not only did I have the severe cramps, but I also felt like throwing up, I felt dizzy and couldn't even sit down. I went to hospital and they wanted to give me morphine!  It happens very rarely that the pain is that bad, maybe 1-2 times a year, so that is a relief that it doesn't occur like this every month, but when it does, it really is unbearable.

And in addition to the above (as if that wasn't enough), I also get really major bloating in my stomach that makes me look like I am about 4 months pregnant. My stomach gets so bloated that I cant wear my normal clothes, I have to wear one size bigger. Even my jackets, even the loose ones, that are normally baggy, I cant even button up as my stomach gets that big, due to the fluid retention!

I had a nice dinner - spaghetti bolognese - with some nice shaved Parmesan cheese on top.  While the sauce did contain some minced meat, it wasn't enough for my body to re-stock its iron and haemoglobin levels back to normal. It did give me a bit of a boost, but not enough it seems.

In addition to all of this, I have bad insomnia, which means I get to bed really late at night (or rather early in the morning) and then wake up later in the day. Today, though, it was a record sleep. I woke up at 4.50pm after getting to sleep at around 5am this morning!  Obviously I needed the sleep, but when I woke up this afternoon, I felt so sluggish and out of it! It's now almost 9pm and I still feel really tired and sluggish and just feel like going back to sleep again!  I think I need to read instead and try to stop coughing so much.

Stress is taking a huge toll on my health

The constant stress of being around these chaotic, manic, obnoxious people is taking a huge toll on my health, to the point where I have been sick almost every day from a viral upper respiratory infection, almost every day for the past three months! I have had sinusitis, colds, the flu, pharyngitis and bronchitis, as well as allergies. The bronchitis makes it very hard for me to breathe properly.

My face looks terrible too. The stress is starting to take a huge toll on my looks lately. Even I can see how terrible I am looking every day! My skin tone looks bad, I have dark circles under my eyes, my hair looks limp and I have lost the sparkle in my eyes.

The viral infections mean I get hot and cold chills and fever, I feel totally lethargic and exhausted. My energy levels are so low.

I also don't sleep very well. I have really bad quality of sleep, often waking up many times during the night because I get sleep apnea - with my nasal passages completely blocked and then my mouth being closed too, I stop breathing, at which point my body realises that I am not breathing, wakes me a little to make me conscious and then I start gasping for air and wake up with a startle. It freaked me out the first time it happened and took me ages to convince doctors that it was happening (I don't fit the regular profile of a person with sleep apnea as I am not obese or even overweight), but now it happens every so often, I know what it is and I try to calm myself down after I wake up with the gasp for air and try to get back to sleep again.

With the insomnia, it means even if I do get to sleep and stay asleep, I don't feel at all refreshed when I wake up - sometimes I feel even more tired that when I first went to sleep!

I am a right mess at the moment and I just want someone to show me some kindness and gentleness.  But I think I will have to comfort myself with the cat's love as he is the only nice, sweet thing in this house. He tends to sleep in my room every night, at the foot of my bed. When he's ready to go out, he gets up from his sleeping position and walks around and makes a little purring noise and let him out. It's because I am such a light sleeper at the moment that I rouse immediately as soon as the cats wakes up. At least he loves to cuddle with me before going to sleep and before leaving, so that is the only time I get some loving and even though it's only a little bit of love from an animal, at least it's something and at least it's unconditional love and comes without any strings attached. The cat loves me for me and that's nice! At least someone does!

Sore throat and lungs

Anyway, today my throat is so sore from screaming at them yesterday. I was screaming at them to stop touching my things, to stop violating my rights, to stop invading my boundaries and to allow me to have my own things without anyone invading my right to privacy.

I didn't say it so articulately, I just told him to stop touching my things, that LayZ boy has no right, absolutely no right to touch anything of mine, ever.  I just screamed and screamed and screamed because I was so frustrated with them, but of course, they don't take any notice.

Needless to say, not only is my throat sore today, but so are my muscles surrounding the outside of my throat as I was yelling so much.  I was so incredibly frustrated with them for violating my rights yet again.  It's just an awful feeling!

After I started screaming, my mother came up to see what the calamity was and told LayZ boy so weakly that he shouldn't touch my things, but of course he didn't want to hear it and closed the door in her face - that is how he reacts when she tries to tell him anything about me and my rights and boundaries. He simple shuts her out and tells her to go away and then starts telling me to "fuck off" and calling me a loser. He acts just like a five year old child would behave, not a grown adult.

Meanwhile, my step-father is just laughing and yelling loudly, imitating me, mocking me and telling me to scream more, that the police are going to come and lock me away, that I am mental and have lost it and that there is little left of my sanity. Then, conversely, a little while later, he tells me, that I am just pretending, that I am not upset really, that I am just pretending and making it up! Insanity! These people are the definition of insanity!

As one counsellor told me, being around them was "crazy-making" because they were just so chaotic, manic, obnoxious and abusive, with little regard for my rights or boundaries.  These people are strangers to me. They are really not my family. That's what it feels like, because they have been so abusive to me my whole life and its just getting worse now that LayZ boy is here because with his horrible, ugly baseness, he convinces my parents to be their worst too.  His influence on them is so obvious and so bad - he brings out their vileness and they all rejoice in it!

You know, I have always wished for a loving, close, supportive family because I have never known that from my own family.  All I have ever received is abuse, violence, my rights violated and people making fun of me and mocking me for no reason. It's just awful to know that these people who are supposed to protect and love you, just do the complete opposite and continue to do so. It is really sad.

I know when I leave here, I wont contact them for a long time. I need the distance to find myself and find who I really am and how to make myself whole again, because right now I am shattered and broken, physically, mentally and spiritually and I really need to heal myself in order to live properly and have a good life!

Disloyal family is no family at all

I have recently told my mother not to expect any presents from me for any reason and not to give me any presents either. 

I also told her that as far as I am concerned I have no family and that there is no reason to buy presents for people who mean nothing to me.  I know it's harsh, but they hurt me all the time and her enabling of the LayZ boy brother is really awful that I don't know how else to show her that she is doing the wrong thing. But you know, my mother is so disconnected from her feelings that when I tell her this, her response is, "That's okay." She cant get in touch with her feelings enough to tell me that she is sorry or that she feels bad, because she's an abusive person.

One of the reasons I feel so bad about their disloyalty is that my mother goes to LayZ boy's room when she gets home and has a good old chat with him about his day. She also has a good bitch to him about me and he inflames her even more by saying really vulgar things about me and she doesn't even reprimand him or tell him to stop, she allows him to continue and joins him in the bitching. I know this, because when they think I am sleeping, I have listened to their conversation. It's really awful to know your own mother bitches about you constantly behind your back to all and sundry.  It's not just with my brother that she has a good bitch, she also bitches to all her friends, her family and anyone else she knows.  Just to "get it off her chest".  There is nothing to get off her chest - it's all of her own making, twisting facts to make it appear that she is the victim and that I am the villain.  My idiotic brother LayZ boy does the same.

My mother and brother both lie so much to everyone, but especially to me. And the thing is, because I take people at such face value and because I didn't realise how much of a liar my mother was, I always believed her, but now I realise how much she has lied to me over the years, it just makes me so sick. It's disgusting. They're such liars that there is no way I believe anything they say any more. My mother will lie to me about where the cat is (she's say she doesn't know when she does), for example and laugh at me when I go outside looking for him, calling his name. She seems to think its funny to torture me that way.  That is just a minor example of her lies. Another example: I asked her if LayZ boy paid her a certain amount of money, which she expected me to pay too and she told me that he had. I ask her again and she again told me he paid it and that I have to pay the same. Normally I would have believed her, but now I have accepted how dishonest she really is, I don't believe her, so I ask her to swear to God, as she will wont lie (she is religious) if she swears to God. With this example, she refused to swear to God. She then told me she wasn't sure about what LayZ boy paid and she'd have to find out. She came back a few minutes later, a bit shamefaced and told me that LayZ boy didn't actually pay what she first told me, that he only paid 1/4 of it. I asked her why did she have to lie in the first place and she got all defensive and started yelling at me, because she wouldn't face the truth - that she lied to me to manipulate me into giving her more money than I needed to. These two are just two examples of so many instances of her lies and manipulations!

My brother on the other hand, lies as much as he breathes. He will never be honest if he can help it. He tried to lie about not having my email address - even though I sent him an email, which means obviously he had my email address. His response to this? "But I didn't have your email address on me. So what if you sent me an email. That doesn't mean I had your email address."  Right.  No-one was questioning him about having my email address on his person, but rather me saying that I sent him an email, therefore he had my email address and him just refuting it and using more lies to cover up his first lie.

It's so unbelievable frustrating dealing with people like this. And because all I have ever been around is their negative influence, it stands to reason why I have only been attracted to and attracted people who were similar because that is what feels familiar to me and even though it's a destructive pattern, it's the only one I know.  It really makes so much sense now!

Decision made and I feel better

Last night after the horrendous fight, where I got so upset by the lack of support, lack of empathy and all of them yelling at me non-stop, I made a decision and I think it made me feel better.

I have decided that I am going to put all my furniture (lounge, TV, coffee tables, dining table, chairs, dressing table), books, all my stuff in the store room (all my old books, materials, patterns etc) into storage. I am going to start packing things next week to hopefully get it into storage by the following weekend or the one after. I have given myself two weeks to get my stuff together and put it into storage.

Once I do that, it will force me to make some major decisions about where I want to live and how I want to live my life, because living here is not good for my health at all.

I know my mother will be upset with me, because she doesn't quite believe that I intend to live up to my words about moving - even though since my brother has been here, she has been telling me to get out. Not him for purposely antagonising me, hitting me and doing all sorts of hurtful things to me. No. She doesn't say anything to him because she protects him. Me on the other hand, she just doesn't like.  She even goes to his room and bitches about me with him, behind my back. Nice mother. How loyal is she huh?

I also deleted a number of phone numbers from my phone last night, because I don't use them, I haven't used them in a few years and they probably no longer have those numbers. I also deleted my mother, step-father and brother's numbers from my phone too.  I have no need for them.  Once I move from here, I don't intend to have anything to do with them, as they just upset me.  There is no need to interact with people who have made my life hell.  What a family!

I think it's also interesting that as soon as I realise some major things about them and myself, the universe presents me with another another huge opportunity for conflict, just to show how untenable it is for me to be living here and that I really need to do something about it. I think I am getting a huge nudge to move away from them and find my way in life without them.

All my rights are reneged living here

I have absolutely no rights living here with them and especially with that idiot brother LayZ boy.

I have no right to have privacy. I have no right to have my own things without anyone touching them. I have no right to my boundaries. I have no rights to be left alone. And finally, I have no right to be upset if my rights or boundaries are violated. No rights at all.

Yesterday, my brother, the idiot LayZ boy took some of my vitamin tablets out of the cupboard without asking me, to demonstrate something to my step-father.  I got so upset, first of all that he took my things, secondly because he didn't ask me and thirdly because I got upset with him for taking my things, he just laughed at me and told me to "fuck off" and my step-father laughed too (he kept on laughing for a while and kept mocking me after that, many times and today too).

I was so upset and I know my reaction was exaggerated, but it's because that idiot LayZ boy has no right to touch my vitamin bottles without asking me. He has no rights to touch them at all, but he does, offers no excuse for me and I just have to take it because as far as he (and the others) are concerned, I have no rights in this house - whatever is here, is his to do what he wants. It is so incredibly frustrating and so immeasurably upsetting to have to deal with people like this.

I have been so upset these past few months with them and their distinct lack of empathy or consideration or respect for me. I just haven't written any more posts as I haven't had anything useful or productive to write about and I am sick of being a victim and being subjected to their abuse!

My family lives in fear of everything

Another thing I realised about this family is that they live in fear and that is how they operate their lives. Every single thing they do, every action they take, every behaviour they chose, is based on their fear. Fear of everything.

They are so hypocritical and so unaware of their behaviours that when I put the mirror up in front of them, they cant handle it and get really angry with me, as it makes their fears almost unbearable for them.

My mother and her superstitions has a lot to answer for! My step-father and his volatile anger has a lot to answer for! My brother with his vicious vindictiveness has a lot to answer for!

Their fears have infected me too. It's such a struggle for me not to feel like certain things are possibly tainted to the point where I cant eat them.  I have realised it's just a fear based on my mother's insanity, telling me that things people gave me were cursed and could hurt me (and in fact, she would take away some of the things people gave me as gifts, because she believed that they would hurt to me even touch them), so of course I internalised that, as a young girl, into a fear of everything possibly hurting me, because if innocuous things from people (who were friends of the family) gifts  to me (ie clothes etc) could hurt me, then everything could, including food from people I didn't know!  So no wonder sometimes even now I get stressed about things I get from other people, thinking that they could contain some harmful thing and hurt me.

Jeez, it's so obvious now, more than ever what the source of all that has ailed me internally has been, but when I used to think these thoughts, I thought that there was something really wrong with me and I didn't know why I was having these thoughts.  It's just so obvious now where they came from isn't it?

My step-father just gets so angry so quickly - he's really volatile and growing up, I never knew when he would suddenly get upset, start yelling at me, making me feel scared and threatening to hit me (or actually hitting me).

My brother, has absolutely no boundaries - he does whatever he wants to do and doesn't give a damn about what anyone else wants or thinks because it doesn't concern him and doesn't affect him. He's so selfish and self-centred.

It makes me sick that I have been subjected to such crappy sickness from these people and then to add insult to injury, they blame me for everything. They refuse to take any responsibility for their actions, their words or behaviours, as if they did nothing wrong and I am the one who is wrong for ever bringing these things up.

Major Realisation - Aha Moment

I think it must be because I have been reading a bit of the mindfulness and other positive psychology articles that I have had some realisations about my family and myself and that in turn has made things even worse between us!

It was a major "ahaaaaaaa" moment, as I started to see this whole situation (me and them) with completely different eyes, objective eyes, that allowed me to see it from a totally different perspective and understand it a little more, from a safe distance.

It was quite eye-opening for me, not only to realise these things, but to actually admit to myself that I had not accepted such great behaviour from other people in my life, which is something I did not want to see because it made me feel bad to think about it.  So that was a major breakthrough for me.  But it's just a start, as it has helped me break through the inability to really see myself and my life and the choices I have made and why I have made those choices based on how my family treat me, the messages I have received from them over the years and how I have manifested all those negative messages in all my major relationships with friends and boyfriends.

Let me talk about all the things I realised and understood a lot more clearly! I realised a few major things:

• I realised why I accepted less than I deserve from other people in my life
• I realised why I accepted it when people lie and use me and are not true and honourable to me
• I realised why I accepted scraps of attention and affection from people when they don't treat me that well otherwise
• I realised why I allowed myself to be used by people
• I realised why I craved approval and attention from others because I never felt like I ever had any from my family
• I realised why I let people abuse me and didn't stand up for myself much
• I realised why I never felt good enough
• I realised why I don't love myself

It just all made sense, because how could I ever have had good self esteem when I had the three of them (mother, step-father and brother), constantly criticise me and tell me all these negative things, send me negative messages about being ugly and that no-one would ever want me, that I didn't have a nice smile, that I wasn't good enough, that I always did the wrong thing, that I was a bad person, that I wasn't lovable!

So when someone is constantly flooded with messages like that every day, how are are you supposed to be happy with yourself?  No, you're not.

Nothing has changed

After the last time I posted, well over 2 months ago, it seems that nothing has changed other than me getting more viral infections and bronchitis.

In regards to the neighbours, my mother went over there the very next day to smooth things over, to do some major damage control, to make them think that I just get upset and scream for no reason and they just try to handle me as best as they can and to convince them that nothing I said to him was true!  How loyal is she to me?  I only found out about it when I saw him outside one day and I was outside and we spoke and when I said something about the situation not improved much, he responded with, "You just don't know what's the truth, who to believe. Your mother says one thing and you say something completely different!" I did tell him that there was no reason for me to make anything up, that there was no reason for me to lie. I don't think he wanted to get further involved than he already had been!

How sucky is that? My mother is more concerned about how people perceive her, my step-father and my brother than about my well-being. She cares more about making people think that everything is hunky dory with them and that I am the one with the problem. She wants to appear blameless and perfect in the eyes of her neighbours and wants to dump all the blame on me by lying about everything to them! By turning me into the villain, she can vindicate herself to everyone and appear blameless.

I am sure she would have told them that she loves me and tries so hard to understand me, but that I yell and scream at her and she just doesn't know why I am so awful to her. And of course, these are all total lies. She plays the role of victim so well because she knows how to lie so well to make people believe in her.

It's appalling to have such people as your close, blood relatives!