Mocking me and dismissing me

All this family does is to mock me, abuse me and dismiss me.

They have not changed since I was a child and having LayZ boy living here, it brings the old dynamics to the fore ever more. He is mentally unwell. Anyone that hears how he really behaves and what he really says to me say the same thing: "LayZ boy is sick in the head, he is violent and abusive and not a normal person." LayZ boy is a coward who would never behave the way he does to me in front of his parents, in front of anyone else. It's only because his parents allow him to get away with his shitty behaviour that he continues to do it - they give him a free pass because they don't do anything to stop him. He calls me names, he tells me to "fuck off" and says derogatory things about me in front of his parents and they say nothing to him. And if I start yelling at him to stop, I get yelled at and told off and they start to come near me to try to hit me, or throw my things around the place. It's absolutely ridiculous! And on and on I suffer.

Then my step-father continues to mock me at every chance he can get. Everything I say or do is an opportunity for him to mock me and laugh at me. I can ignore him, but he continues to do it, like a rabid animal. And if I tell him to stop it, to stop saying it, he starts getting abusive and wants to hit me. He gets all indignant, like how dare I tell him to stop talking, who the hell am I to tell him to stop talking, that he can do whatever the hell he wants. Sick, sick, sick.

And my mother, well she just leaves the house, totally ignores the situation and pretends it's not happening. But not before telling me off, telling me that its "all in my head" and that I am "mentally unwell" - totally dismissing my health because as far as she is concerned, there is nothing wrong with me. Right, so projecting her son's insanity and her delusions and her husband's volatility onto me because I am standing up for my rights! Oh that's right, I forgot, I don't have any rights in this house (according to them) and they are allowed to control me (again, according to them). Yeah, right, how terrible of me to forget the rules of the mental house and to want to have a peaceful, normal existence! That's just too much for these mentally unwell people to handle.

I am thinking about posting the videos of the other night, when they were abusing me, so that other people can see how awfully abusive they are.

My step-father and his mean words to me

Earlier this afternoon, I went inside the chicken enclosure to give them some chia seeds I had, which had gone out of date. My step-father also came in after me to check their eggs (to see if they hatched any and to take them inside) and he immediately, upon seeing me with the packet tells me I am a "stupid idiot" for giving the chickens more food because "cant you see, they already have a lot". Yes I could see, but I was only giving them a handful, to see if they liked it.

He went out and left the enclosure door open and I said to him: "You know you left the door open and that means the chickens can get out. And you call me an idiot?" He told me to close it. He could see that I was busy and further away from the door than me, but he seems to think it's my responsibility to close doors he opens because he takes no responsibility for anything at all. So he came back and closed the door when I told him I couldn't do it, albeit complaining about me being "so lazy", as if it was my fault that the door was open anyway! There is something wrong with his mental state.

Later I went inside to the sun room with the cat who wanted to eat something (despite me telling them that they need to feed him only twice a day, they all over-feed him and so now he's getting a bit fat and always hungry), so instead I distracted the cat with a fly swatter, he was chasing it and trying to grab it from me. The cat got so hot and sweaty his paw pads were moist, just from a little bit of running around and that is because he's a little overweight.

Anyway, my step-father asked me to give him something to snack on and I went to the kitchen and brought back some hazelnut wafer wedges and gave him some. He wanted to eat more but I told him that he couldn't eat more as it was close to his dinner time and needed to have enough space for his dinner. He agreed with me.

A little while after that, he started a rant, which went basically like this:

Step-father: Why don't you find yourself a place to live somewhere else - there are plenty of flats here.
Me: There are not that many places as there is a housing crisis here and those apartment that are available are like $300 a week to rent and I cant afford it given that I don't work.
Step-father: Well get a job and you'll be able to afford it.
Me: Do you not realise that I am sick and that its difficult for me to find a job?
Step-father: You're always sick, you're not good for anyone, you're finished, you are finished, sleep all day and do nothing, you lazy bludger, you're no good for anyone or anything.

And on and on he continued in this manner, meanwhile laughing at me while I walked to my bedroom and locked the door so I couldn't hear him any more. He always mocks me, it seems to be his hobby to mock and degrade me.

My step-father simply does not know how to have a normal conversation with me. Every time we talk it always ends up with him saying something mean or nasty to me or mocking me in some way and of course he laughs at me thinking to himself how funny he is. I should know by now that he cannot be civil towards me, after years of this way that he behaves towards me. But for some reason, I am always eternally hopeful that one day he will do something to surprise me, to treat me with respect and decency. Always hopeful, but it never happens.  You would think I would learn, but no, I keep trying so hard, but alas only to fail every time.

Sore throat and lungs

Anyway, today my throat is so sore from screaming at them yesterday. I was screaming at them to stop touching my things, to stop violating my rights, to stop invading my boundaries and to allow me to have my own things without anyone invading my right to privacy.

I didn't say it so articulately, I just told him to stop touching my things, that LayZ boy has no right, absolutely no right to touch anything of mine, ever.  I just screamed and screamed and screamed because I was so frustrated with them, but of course, they don't take any notice.

Needless to say, not only is my throat sore today, but so are my muscles surrounding the outside of my throat as I was yelling so much.  I was so incredibly frustrated with them for violating my rights yet again.  It's just an awful feeling!

After I started screaming, my mother came up to see what the calamity was and told LayZ boy so weakly that he shouldn't touch my things, but of course he didn't want to hear it and closed the door in her face - that is how he reacts when she tries to tell him anything about me and my rights and boundaries. He simple shuts her out and tells her to go away and then starts telling me to "fuck off" and calling me a loser. He acts just like a five year old child would behave, not a grown adult.

Meanwhile, my step-father is just laughing and yelling loudly, imitating me, mocking me and telling me to scream more, that the police are going to come and lock me away, that I am mental and have lost it and that there is little left of my sanity. Then, conversely, a little while later, he tells me, that I am just pretending, that I am not upset really, that I am just pretending and making it up! Insanity! These people are the definition of insanity!

As one counsellor told me, being around them was "crazy-making" because they were just so chaotic, manic, obnoxious and abusive, with little regard for my rights or boundaries.  These people are strangers to me. They are really not my family. That's what it feels like, because they have been so abusive to me my whole life and its just getting worse now that LayZ boy is here because with his horrible, ugly baseness, he convinces my parents to be their worst too.  His influence on them is so obvious and so bad - he brings out their vileness and they all rejoice in it!

You know, I have always wished for a loving, close, supportive family because I have never known that from my own family.  All I have ever received is abuse, violence, my rights violated and people making fun of me and mocking me for no reason. It's just awful to know that these people who are supposed to protect and love you, just do the complete opposite and continue to do so. It is really sad.

I know when I leave here, I wont contact them for a long time. I need the distance to find myself and find who I really am and how to make myself whole again, because right now I am shattered and broken, physically, mentally and spiritually and I really need to heal myself in order to live properly and have a good life!