They're back and the insanity starts again

Unfortunately the respite from the manic behaviour did not last too long. My mother and LayZ boy came back early this afternoon and boy did I know about it!

My mother is upset and pouring her angst in an angry way to my step-father in the sun room. She must have argued with her half-sister (my aunt), as per usual and it must have been nasty, as per usual. So now she is at home rehashing everything to my step-father, telling him how awful and mean her sister was and how she was faultless in it all, yet somehow I doubt that!

Meanwhile, my brother Lazy-B is in his bedroom talking to himself. He's talking about what he is doing as he is doing it, "Now I am turning on the television and I am going to watch something before I put on the video. Then I'll watch the new videos I have before they have to go back to the rental store. Oh, what's this, my writing pad - let me see what else I have underneath it" and he kept on going on with the self-talk for a while in his bedroom. Obviously our mother must have been talking angrily about the experience while they were driving back home and because my brother cant process his feelings (as he is not mentally well), he has to self-soothe by talking to himself about things that are totally unrelated to the experience that has upset him.

The issue with my mother and her sister has been going on a long time.  My mother feels as though her mother (my maternal grandmother) favours her sister over her (sounds familiar doesn't it?) and feels resentful towards her sister. Her sister on the other hand is just as stubborn and wont give in either and is rude and nasty back to her. So there you have it - two stubborn women who wont give in and wont try to get along, most of the time. Now add a very resentful and really nasty ex-wife (my brother's), who absolutely hates my mother and also me, by extension and who has done everything she could to malign both of us to my aunt, which she knows will only make things worse between my aunt and my mother. What other kind of woman would marry someone like my mentally unwell brother than someone who is also really not normal herself? The ironic thing is that LayZ boy's ex-wife is very much a deluded woman, she lies as much as she breathes and she is unbelievably fake - she'll be so nice to you in front of your face, but behind your back, she's just say bitchy things about you. She doesn't understand how to communicate with people so she has to bitch about them behind their back.

I left soon after they came home as I didn't want to hear my mother's angry voice and I didn't want to encounter LayZ boy either. I had an appointment to go to anyway, so it was an opportunity to leave without dealing with either of them.

Step-father and mother angry and raging

The other morning my step-father and mother were having a very loud argument. This usually happens about once a week and it is because they are both stubborn and wont give in. My mother eventually gets her way because she rules this house, with an iron fist - what she says and how she says it goes here and he has to do what she wants otherwise she'll rage on him even more. Whenever he does anything contrary to what she wants, she goes off her head at him and that makes him upset and he gets angry and starts raging around the house, yelling and getting angry at me.

My mother has this insatiable need to control everyone and everything in her vicinity and if they don't obey, then she has something to say about it. Most people don't get to see this side of her, they only see the pleasant, amiable persona she decides to show them, but if she feels thwarted, they get to see this antagonistic, bullish self and they do not like it at all. There are quite a few people who give me the "you poor thing, she is your mother and eye-roll" when they realise who my mother is, because they have been subject to this side of her personality and they really don't like her, but because they don't know me, they don't say too much more than that.

Anyway, during their argument, my step-father started banging doors really loudly, started yelling really loudly and started swearing really loudly. Of course because he was upset, he didn't think about the fact that there are sick people who are still sleeping (me) and he closed the toilet door which is just off my bedroom really loudly and he had the fan on too. He doesn't really care about anyone else, as he is rather very selfish.

To top it off, my mother wont tell him to stop doing what he's doing, out of consideration for me sleeping and being sick needing the sleep, she'll upset and antagonise him more, telling him he's a no-good-for-nothing, lazy, layabout and she doesn't know why she married him and more words like that. He on the other hand starts telling her how lazy and good-for-nothing her children are and then she goes one to tell him that he knew she had children when he met her (we were young when they met, about 9 and 11 years old) and that if he didn't want to be here to just leave because she certainly doesn't need him in her life.

Needless to say, these arguments are not very nice and many times I have tried to stop them arguing by being impartial (not taking anyone's side), trying to get them to see each other's side and trying to get them to see reason. Usually it has worked as I know how to use the right words to diffuse the situation, but these days, I really cant be bothered - it is not my problem to solve, I am not responsible for their marriage resolutions.

When they have these arguments and either of them sees me - my step-father, because he is angry, will just say to me: "You lazy bludger, good-for-nothing, go back to bed and sleep" and my mother will just look at me with an angry face and if I say anything to her, she will just tell me off. It's better not to even approach either of them when they are in this type of mood.

Inevitably I am always blamed for their arguments - they both tell me that I am the cause of their argument. So again, neither of them take responsibility for their relationship and want to blame me, because I am there. Even when I am not living here, they still blame me!  Geez, when will these people learn how to behave like decent, normal human beings?

Decision made and I feel better

Last night after the horrendous fight, where I got so upset by the lack of support, lack of empathy and all of them yelling at me non-stop, I made a decision and I think it made me feel better.

I have decided that I am going to put all my furniture (lounge, TV, coffee tables, dining table, chairs, dressing table), books, all my stuff in the store room (all my old books, materials, patterns etc) into storage. I am going to start packing things next week to hopefully get it into storage by the following weekend or the one after. I have given myself two weeks to get my stuff together and put it into storage.

Once I do that, it will force me to make some major decisions about where I want to live and how I want to live my life, because living here is not good for my health at all.

I know my mother will be upset with me, because she doesn't quite believe that I intend to live up to my words about moving - even though since my brother has been here, she has been telling me to get out. Not him for purposely antagonising me, hitting me and doing all sorts of hurtful things to me. No. She doesn't say anything to him because she protects him. Me on the other hand, she just doesn't like.  She even goes to his room and bitches about me with him, behind my back. Nice mother. How loyal is she huh?

I also deleted a number of phone numbers from my phone last night, because I don't use them, I haven't used them in a few years and they probably no longer have those numbers. I also deleted my mother, step-father and brother's numbers from my phone too.  I have no need for them.  Once I move from here, I don't intend to have anything to do with them, as they just upset me.  There is no need to interact with people who have made my life hell.  What a family!

I think it's also interesting that as soon as I realise some major things about them and myself, the universe presents me with another another huge opportunity for conflict, just to show how untenable it is for me to be living here and that I really need to do something about it. I think I am getting a huge nudge to move away from them and find my way in life without them.

All my rights are reneged living here

I have absolutely no rights living here with them and especially with that idiot brother LayZ boy.

I have no right to have privacy. I have no right to have my own things without anyone touching them. I have no right to my boundaries. I have no rights to be left alone. And finally, I have no right to be upset if my rights or boundaries are violated. No rights at all.

Yesterday, my brother, the idiot LayZ boy took some of my vitamin tablets out of the cupboard without asking me, to demonstrate something to my step-father.  I got so upset, first of all that he took my things, secondly because he didn't ask me and thirdly because I got upset with him for taking my things, he just laughed at me and told me to "fuck off" and my step-father laughed too (he kept on laughing for a while and kept mocking me after that, many times and today too).

I was so upset and I know my reaction was exaggerated, but it's because that idiot LayZ boy has no right to touch my vitamin bottles without asking me. He has no rights to touch them at all, but he does, offers no excuse for me and I just have to take it because as far as he (and the others) are concerned, I have no rights in this house - whatever is here, is his to do what he wants. It is so incredibly frustrating and so immeasurably upsetting to have to deal with people like this.

I have been so upset these past few months with them and their distinct lack of empathy or consideration or respect for me. I just haven't written any more posts as I haven't had anything useful or productive to write about and I am sick of being a victim and being subjected to their abuse!

Sneezing non-stop - allergy allert!

Last night I was sneezing non-stop.  I think I sneezed over a hundred times in the space of about an hour.  My nose and sinus passages are just so irritated and inflamed that I couldn't stop sneezing.

I felt so sick and so allergic, it was absolutely awful.  I had to blow my nose so many times.  It was really hard to get to sleep.  I was sneezing so loudly and so much, that I know I woke everyone up.  I know they all heard it.  It was so loud, it would be hard not to have heard me sneezing.

All the stress of this family is just getting to me so much.  I don't normally get allergies like this in summer, but I am now because of them.  I told them all the perfumes and other chemicals are making me very sick and this is the result, which is what I wanted to avoid. But of course, they all dismiss my concerns, telling me that it's all in my head, that there is nothing wrong with me.

My idiot brother LayZ boy upon hearing me go outside, follows me out there, then I walk back in, so he follows me to where I am in the kitchen (he's sprayed himself with perfume so that I can feel sick and sneeze).  I realise what he's done and walk out of the kitchen immediately and go back to my prison cell (my bedroom).

Then a few hours later, LayZ boy sprayed his perfume right next to my bedroom, so that when I walked outside, I would be assaulted by the strong perfume and it would also come into my room and I would feel sick and sneeze more, which of course is exactly what happened.  What an asshole!

So I put the air conditioner on to full blast to try to get rid of the smell, but all it did was to blow more of that perfume and dust under my door and make me sneeze some more.  Great.  Soon after, my step-father came home and growled at me, asking me why the air conditioner was on so high and when I told him about LayZ boy's perfume he started telling him off.  Of course my brother lied about it and said he didn't do anything.

At this point, I was going off my head crying and screaming as I had reached my limit with this idiocy and selfishness. I was screaming at my step-father, telling him that he needs to stop my brother doing this stuff on purpose to make me ill. That I have been sick these past few days and I don't need to continue to be sicker.

I just got so upset that I just started screaming and screaming and screaming in the bathroom and I think the whole street must have heard, because next thing I know, one of our neighbours came to the door.  I was so upset that I didn't even recognise him (I also had only seen him a few times, so I didn't really know him all that well anyway).

He talked to me and I told him all of the crap that my mother and step-father and brother do and he was compassionate enough to believe me.  So now their bullshit duplicity is being uncovered and their masks are coming off so that the whole street knows who they really are - abusive liars! 

The police then came as someone had called them.  One of them interviewed me then another one and the other was with my family.  My neighbour was still with me at the time, he was telling me to breathe and to calm down and that he understood that sometimes you just needed to let things out.  I think the police thought I was hysterical (which I probably was, but you know, it was understandable given what I have been through) and wanted me to go to the hospital to see someone to discuss my problems with mental health.

I am not very good at expressing myself articulately when I am emotional. I cant seem to make myself understood, I just cant articulate my feelings at all and because my mother and brother say exactly the same things (whatever my brother says, my mother back him and my father just says "yes yes") and they sound reasonable and believable because they are all saying the same thing: "Our daughter is not mentally stable, we don't do anything to hurt her in any way, but she just screams at us for no reason".  I can imagine that is what they would say to make out how "nice" they are and how they don't do anything wrong, it's all me.

The police finally left after reassuring me they would tell my family not to disturb me and to keep away from me.  One of the police officers even shook my hand (the one who didn't wear any perfume and who at first thought I wasn't allergic, but he soon saw that I was when I started reacting to the other officer's perfume/after shave).  I told the police as they were leaving, that the neighbours already thought we were a bit mad, now they would think we were totally crazy.  They did laugh.

Now I am alone in my room typing, without any hindrance.  Thank God!