Echoes of abusive patterns

John Talbot, 1st Earl of Shrewsbury, presents the
Book of Romances (Shrewsbury Book)
to Margaret of Anjou, wife of King Henry VI, 1445

When the step-father told me he would kill me, but he would only go to jail, it brought back echoes of what a former boyfriend said to me. One ex-boyfriend said almost the same thing.

This just shows so clearly the abusive patterns I have been experiencing in my familiar relationships have been played out in my romantic relationships too. I have attracted one man like that in my relationships, which was the most significant relationship I have had so far and that is because everything about him was familiar - the abuse, drama, intense emotions, control, aggressiveness and fear.

While I havent been with any other guys who have been that abusive (at least I have learnt something), the other guys I have been out with, have been emotionally distant and unable to commit. That I think, is because I am unable to commit, so subconsciously I choose them to mirror what I feel and think about relationships.

I am so scared of being with a man who turns out like the step-father or LayZ boy, at some point in the future, so I either choose no relationship (it's safer for me, albeit more lonely) or I find a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough and try to convince him that he does. Of course, this ultimately ends up with me being heartbroken when the guy doesnt want to be with me enough.

As I write this, my behaviour in relationships now, strikes me as funny in an ironic way. That I would waste so much of my time with a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough, when I know that he doesnt want to be with me and I know that I am wasting my time, but I dont want to see it at the time, because I want to feel like I am worthy and the only way I can feel that way is to convince someone who seems indifferent to me that they love me and cant live without me. And as if that will happen!

So while I have learnt something (no more abusive men), I havent learnt enough, as I am still accepting less than I deserve from men.  I am learning.

Starting to trust my own gut instincts more

I have decided that I need to trust myself and my gut instincts a lot more than I have in the past, as my gut instinct never leads me astray.

The gut feeling is that sense where you know instinctively that something "feels" right or good for you, or it doesn't. It may be that the situation or person that your gut feeling is telling you about, is providing you clues about the status of your interaction (positive or negative for you), but because it's not anything definite or tangible, it can be sometimes difficult to justify following the gut feeling through. Of course, you learn afterwards, that the gut feeling was right, spot on and you know then (after the fact), that you never should have gone in that direction, or conversely, you should have gone in the direction. When you start to intellectualise what you're sensing in your gut feelings, it's never going to lead you in the right direction, because you'll then justify to and convince yourself that your intellect and rational thinking is more correct and besides which, if the gut feelings are telling you to stay away from someone or something you have invested yourself in, it's difficult to listen because you want the opposite to be true.

Every time I get a "gut feeling" about anything or anyone, it has always been 100% right and spot on. I have never had a gut feeling that was wrong. I have instead, felt the consequences when I have not followed through on my gut feeling. For example, I had a very strong gut feeling about an ex-boyfriend before I even met him, that he looked like a user, someone who would take total advantage of me. So what did I do? Of course I ignored that gut feeling and of course the guy turned out to be a total user who took total advantage of me and my good nature. He used me and then cast me aside like I didn't matter to him when things started to get too complicated. He was not prepared to have a serious relationship with me even before he got together with me, but still he pursued me and still I allowed it!

I have so many examples of where I didn't follow through with how my gut feeling was directing me, much to my later-felt chagrin. I have sometimes followed it, but it's been more of a haphazard application, not consistently. I now realise I must always go with my gut feeling to make sure that I am not led astray and am always following the right path, for myself (to make sure that I am happy)!