The reason why I came back to the house of lunatics

Prior to living here in the house of lunatics, I was living on my own, renting an apartment in another city. I had just finished a contract and was contemplating my future.

I had decided I wasn't too excited about doing more IT work, that I wanted to work on my own projects, without the pressure of a job. I also decided to take on a project which involved creating a site to sell all the knick-knacks my mother collects. We would split the proceeds 50:50, maybe even 60:40 (in my favour), given that I was doing all the work, creating the site, photographing and uploading the items, listing the items, packaging and posting them to client, as well as maintaining the site. My mother was simply buying them at very little cost.

She persuaded me to come back to live her, so that I didn't have to keep on travelling the 3-4 hours every few weeks to collect the items.

Once I got back here, I got really sick. I had some sort of viral infection (it seemed like chronic fatigue syndrome to me) as well as having hundreds of heart palpitations every day (my heart has been checked out and nothing intrinsically wrong with it). I was exhausted and feverish most days. Needless to say, the web site didn't happen for a while.

Then my brother LayZ boy came to live here too when his wife kicked him out and the rest is documented here - about his lunacy.

Once I am out of this house, away from these crazy, volatile, angry people, I wont have to be subjected to their angry tirades and volatile outbursts, it will be much better for me, because I wont be upset every day. Whatever idiotic things they want to do or say, I wont be exposed to it and that will make my life much better! I can then get on with my life and find my better life!

Feeling dizzy and unwell again today

When I woke up today, I did so with great difficulty. I felt so exhausted and it felt very difficult to move my body. 

I had the alarm set for 9.45am, but when it went off, I changed it to go off at 10.45am instead and even though it went off every 20 minutes, I didn't get out of bed until about 1pm. So tired and feeling sick.

I found it very difficult to get to sleep last night. All of the nonsense with my brother upset me more than I realised and thinking about them all and the fact that I have absolutely no relationship with any of them upsets me a lot too. It's very difficult to live in the same house as people who are supposed to be your close family members, but instead who are totally unsupportive and unloving towards you.

Most of today I have been feeling hot and cold, have had the bronchial cough full on again and just feel really exhausted and lethargic. I just want to go to sleep. Earlier, when I was holding the cat in my arms and closed my eyes to rest them a little, I started to sway, like I was about to fall. My ears have been really hurting a lot since last night, so they are probably infected by a virus now too which is probably the reason why my lungs hurt again and causing me to cough. Ugh!

Because I feel so lethargic, I haven't really eaten much of anything today other than two cups of herbal tea (one peppermint, one rose hip), a row of organic dark chocolate and a packet of tangy chips. No wonder I am losing weight as that is not enough food!  I need to warm up the food I had yesterday to eat some proper food to provide me with some proper nutrition.

One good thing about today was that I got to speak to my grandmother to see how she is. My mother called her and I asked to speak to her after she finished talking to her. My grandmother is still in the hospital getting monitored by the doctors because she did have a heart attack, even though it was mild, it still did happen. I told her I was sorry I couldn't come but I have bronchitis and it wouldn't have been a good thing if I came to see her as I was sick. She told me that she could hear my voice sounded congested and not to worry, to take care of myself, she would be okay. I told her she needs to eat what they tell her as her diet is the basis of her ill health in regards to her heart disease. She listens but I don't think she takes much notice. She hears the same thing from my aunt and her husband (who also had a heart attack years ago), but as my uncle said, they cant monitor her eating every minute of the day, they can only do so much, she needs to take care of and responsibility for her own health.

So tired of these lunatics

I am just so exhausted from arguing with these idiots. Or rather from them constantly arguing with me and from them constantly berating me and blaming me.  And from me having to constantly defend myself, every single day from their stupid lies and accusations.  It is simply exhausting.  

It takes so much energy and I am tired of it, literally and figuratively.  I should know better, because this has been happening all my life, as if they are suddenly, magically going to stop!

Just a few minutes ago, my mother came to my room to tell me I had to take care of my brother, lay-Z boy because, get this, he's now started taking new medication which may cause severe side effects and if he presses his alarm buzzer, I have to take him to the hospital.  She cant stay because she needs to go to the club to do some gambling on the poker machines!  Right! How she can even think that she has any right to ask me is beyond insane, especially when she knows how antagonistic he is towards me.  They are lunatics!

MY GOD!  She is seriously insane!

And she comes to tell me this little tidbit, like it's perfectly normal that 

• my brother needs someone to take care of him
• that the caretaker should be me, since I am at home
• that she does not think it's her responsibility

First of all. How is it my responsibility the medication he takes?  And if she's so concerned, why isn't she there to take care of him? Oh right, her gambling takes first priority!  And they expect me, the one who gets belittled and abused by my brother to suddenly want to take care of him?  What is wrong with these people?

My brother is a total drama queen.  He uses that drama to try to manipulate people into doing what he wants them to do.  But maybe he overplayed his drama this time because even my mother is sick of it and doesn't want to stay here or she just doesn't believe him.  My brother, the lay-Z boy.

Update: My mother actually stayed home because I told her I was not prepared to look after my brother and he scared her enough to make her think the worst.  He's a great manipulator. 

And of course my mother is thinking how selfish I am for  not wanting to look out for my brother, the ones who taunts, abuses and assaults me. Yes, how selfish of me to try to outline some boundaries and limits, to try to assert some control in my existence away from their control.  How terrible I am!

It takes so much of my energy to deal with these people. Oh man, it is exhausting!