The sickness that is my family

The sickness within

My family (not just my mother, but her mother and sister and probably other extended family members) believe in witchcraft and people putting spells and hexes on you. I shake my head as I am writing this, because it is just so insane.

When I was younger, my mother would take me to women who would get rid of the evil spell on me and also get rid of the demons inside me. I cannot even fathom how anyone could believe in such a thing.

So me, being the sensitive one, gets convinced by my mother, my aunt and also my late grandmother that I have to go see the exorcist to remove devils from inside me. You cannot imagine just how many nightmares this type of discussion gave me, how scared it made me feel, how deep the scars it left and how much it messed with my head.

The reason for me having to go to the exorcist? Because I wanted to go out at night with my friends instead of staying at home with my mother, doing needlework or other house-wifely things (of course my brother, albeit younger than me and not even legally allowed to enter nightclubs was allowed and even encouraged to go out at night and do what he wanted to do - his behaviour was considered absolutely normal). Or the fact that I liked a man who was from a different country to mine. Or that I talked back to my parents, telling them that they were wrong for hitting me all the time. These are the reasons why they believed I was possessed. Oh. My. God. It blows my mind to even think about it now, because it is just so ridiculous that any parents would subject their child to such further torture!

So one of the times I went to an exorcist, it was inside a really small room with all these religious images everywhere. It was really dark, I was in there with this woman I didnt know. It was stuffy (as there were no windows in there) with only candlelight to lighten the room. And this woman was yelling: "Devil begone from this girl", while putting this huge cross on my back, head and above my decolletage, dragging it on my skin (but thankfully not hurting me and not being sleazy as that would have made it even worse). Of course I started crying, because this was freaking scary to me! And of course, this made the crazy exorcist believe that the "Devil" was scared of her machinations and she was exorcising it from me.

OH. MY. GOD.

I realised after we went outside that the woman was full of shit. But that didnt mean the whole thing didnt freak me out and it did adversely affect me, because it was on top of all of my mother's superstitious beliefs that she put onto me, so everything together just totally messed with my head for years (and even to now).

For example, if someone she suspected of being a "witch" gave me a gift, she wouldnt let me have it because she believed that if I touched it, I would get sick or have an accident. And if someone ever said anything nice about me while she was there, she would always contradict them and tell them that, no, I wasnt pretty and no, I wasnt smart and all in front of me. Nice way to be totally embarrassed and put down by my mother. I had no idea she was doing this because she thought that if they were saying something nice about me, they would "curse" me and I would get sick or have an accident and if she contradicted them, she would short-circuit their curse. It's mind boggling that anyone could ever think anything like this in this day and age!

Physical abuse leaves permanent scars

Image Credit: Postmodern Woman - How to End Abuse

My parents used to physically abuse me when I was a child to young adult and my step-father would continue it even today, if he could.

This abuse would occur on almost a daily basis sometimes - mostly physical, but also emotional abuse and I would get abused more because I was the older child, so I was responsible for everything my brother did too (even though he wouldn't listen to me and would also tell me parents if I did anything they had forbade me to do, like read my many borrowed books or listen to music).

They would use my step-father's belt, with the buckle so that it would hurt more. They would make me kneel in a corner with my hands up for 20 minutes at a time, making me kneel on rock salt so that it would hurt more. They would laugh at me for everything and anything I did (and my brother would always join in with them). They would always tell me I would amount to nothing. They called me slut and whore, saying nasty things about me - none of which was true. If I talked to a guy, I was a whore, which is ridiculous.

So I would get hit by them if I didn't do wash the dishes the minute I was asked to do them (I had to help prepare the food with my mother, then I had to do the washing up while she did other household duties, meanwhile, my step-father and brother would just be sitting watching tv or playing or relaxing as it wasn't "men's work"). I would get hit if I didn't put my clothes away from my bed into my wardrobe. I would get hit if I didn't want to do embroidery on a Saturday, but rather wanted to go outside and play. I would get hit if I didn't do some minor thing that my parents considered to be the worst thing in the world.

I remember crying and crying after each beating. Asking myself "why are they hitting me? What did I do that was so bad it warranted such a punishment?" And if I cried or said "please stop" when my step-father beat me, he'd get angrier and hit me harder until I stopped crying. And I did stop crying, basically out of fear that he would get so angry that he would hit me so hard all over my body, like he did one time, where he bruised my skin in so many places and I felt like I had to lie to my teachers and tell them I fell down the stairs.

My step-father's temper is so bad. So many times their friends (who actually got to see how they treated me when I was younger) would tell my parents they were too hard on me and should treat me better. And this is without them even knowing how much my parents hit me. I am sure if someone knew about it, if I told anyone, they would have charged my parents with child abuse and taken me away from them. I guess I never really told anyone because I didn't know if it would be better if I was in a children's home, given the many times my mother told me how awful it was there whenever she would tell me that she could have left us in a children's home after my father left her (mind you, I was 6 at the time) but she decided to keep us out of there and that we we so lucky she didn't just dump us in a children's home because we were really a burden.

My mother would advise my step-father to only hit my backside and the palms of my hands, because that way no-one could tell they were abusing me. She didn't want the neighbours and her friends and family (who were over our house constantly) to see how much I was being beaten up.

The household I lived in, therefore was completely chaotic and full of drama - which they caused and I got sucked up into it. And the ironic thing is that I was completely different to the three of them - I read books, I was good (and am) at mathematics and loved science and I loved writing stories. None of them is very educated and I think part of their issue with me is that they resent me for just being born with attributes and personal characteristics they don't have. My mother's aim was to make me a dutiful housewife who knew how to knit, sew, cook and take care of her husband's every need and I was not that girl and she couldn't deal with it, so she hit me to make me conform to what she wanted me to become. How grossly unfair!

Obviously they weren't nasty every single minute of every day, but it happened more predominantly than not and it affected my psyche, so much so that now I can't seem to have a normal relationship with a man that is healthy and positive. Only the other day I realised how much I crave drama in relationships because that is the only thing I know about in familial relationships and so it has pervaded into my subconsciousness and it makes me want that drama in my personal relationships.

When my father left my mother constantly told my brother and I, but mostly me that my own father left "me", that he never loved me. She would say to me, "your own father never loved you enough and left you because he didn't love you", over and over and over again. I basically figured out from those words that I was unlovable at the tender age of 6.

I have never felt like I deserved to be loved (hence the reason why I go for unavailable men) and needless to say, I haven't had many relationships because of this reason - I don't trust that someone who says they like me actually does like me.

This article from CBS News, "Spanking, physical punishment may raise risk for mental health woes in adult years" infers that studies show people that are abused as children don't do so well in their adult life because of the early abuse. I am yet further proof of this theory, unfortunately.

And as I read back all of this and re-live it in my mind, it really reiterates why I m so upset with them, as my parent behaviour is just awful and no-one should ever have been abused this way.

Now all of this former abuse is the basis of my gripe and resentment towards my disloyal family. I am sure you can understand why.

Finally Some Freedom, But Some Things Never Change

Cape Town Accommodation 2010 FIFA World Cup Soccer

I have been out of the crazy house for the past three years - living on my own in small apartments.

I moved three times in the past three years. Too much moving, but at least now I think I am quite settled in my house.

The LayZ  boy is still behaving the same way when I occasionally visit the parents house. The parents are a little better because LayZ boy behaves exactly the same way at their house now as he did when I was there, so my mother cannot deny any more that he is not the problem. She can no longer blame me for making him behave that way (especially since he used to convince her that I was the problem, not him and she believed him, as usual).

I see my mother and step-father a few days a week, but less when I have had an argument with my mother, which has been happening more frequently lately and that is because she is getting less respectful and reverting back to her usual rude habits, where I am concerned. Ironically, other people (who she is really nice to) think she is so wonderful, but those people who get to see her real side don't like her and don't like to be around her.

It's just tiring to have to deal with my mother's crap - I quite often feel like she is the child and I am the mother and I have to try to reason with an unreasonable two-year old. It is the same with my step-father, he is just as childish. So I guess, no wonder they are together - the are both the same in terms of their mental age.

Allergies so Debilitating they Adversely Affect Me

At work, I am lucky enough to have an office to sit in so that I am away from everyone and their perfumes, body deodorants, lotions, shampoo, even laundry detergents.

Yesterday and today I have had my door closed, because I cant handle the aromas from people's personal products.

Today someone came to sit with me, but whatever he was wearing (even though I couldnt smell it, obviously I did react to it) was enough to send me into convulsing fits of coughing, slight head hurting and itchy nose. This was just being exposed to whatever he was wearing for about two minutes! Just two minutes.

The coughing is so horrible, because it is so terribly tiring on my body. All that racking coughing to the point of convulsions of my diaphragm is not healthy at all.

On the weekend, I went into a shop which was almost closing. The young workers were throwing buckets of water which had bleach on the floor, in preparation to sweep the floor clean. The bleach they had used wasnt even that strong, as it was mixed with the water, so it was diluted quite a bit. I couldnt smell it that much.

I was exposed to the bleach / water mixture on the floor for maybe 1 minute, if that.

I immediately started coughing a lot and had to leave the shop. I continued to cough and cough and cough like an asthmatic.

I took some of my herbal medicine when I got home so it made it a bit better.

Now you may ask, why dont I use an inhaler for asthmatics. Well, that is because I cant take anything with adrenalin in it because I get abnormal heart beats (ectopic heart arrhythmias) and while they are not associated with any serious health condition, any time I take any medicine with any type of ephedrine or other stimulant like adrenaline, those ectopic heart arrhythmias get worse. And if they continued too long in the same vein, I would most likely have to get heart surgery to correct the incorrect electric pathway.

It's just such a no-win situation for me.

And tonight, my head hurts so much. It's due to my sinuses getting all inflamed from the allergies affecting me.

Allergy Queen of the World

Ernst, Rodolphe - The Perfume Maker

I havent posted in quite a while.

I have been busy with work, moving to a new place and trying to get my life together.

At the moment, it is spring time, therefore it is the time for major allergies for me. I am like the woman in the bubble who cannot be around anyone.

I am really allergic to a number of trees, bushes and grasses. Severely allergic that if I came into close contact with them, I would surely lapse into anaphylactic shock. Just being around the pollen is enough to create such allergic reactions in me.

From the red itchy eyes where no white is visible, to the itchy and blotchy face, to the blocked and itchy nose, to the headache and pain, to the inability to breathe, to the dry cough so bad that I almost start to convulse because I cannot cope with coughing so much.

I dont have asthma. I have severe allergies.

Now if that wasnt enough, but of course it's not. I have multiple-chemical allergies too.

Just being around any type of chemicals (cleaning or others with strong smells), perfumes, deodorants, body sprays, makeup, shampoo, conditioner, body or hand lotion - anything that has any type of chemicals / perfumes in them - I react in exactly the same way as if I am exposed to an allergen, but worse. My lungs cant cope with these strong smells and again I start coughing so badly to the point of convulsing and it hurts so much to breathe.

I cannot even be around anyone with a strongly smelling anything. Even if I cant smell it, if they have used anything I react.

Most of the time I dont like being around people because they dont seem to understand that I react this way. And they get offended thinking I am telling them that they smell bad or something. No! My immune system is hyperactive and is not functioning properly.

And to top it all off, no medication seems to work for me very well or at all. Even if the medicine does provide a little bit of relief, it also brings with it a number of side effects that require further medication, again which brings yet more side effects and the circle of never-ending inability to get better continues.

The only thing that helps even a little is some herbal medicine I have, together with vitamins and minerals for the immune system.

This year, my hay fever and other allergies seem to be the worst in a very long time and I have almost two months of it to go. And very little understanding or compassion from anyone, because they cant seem to understand that I am so badly affected and think I am making it up! Great! Like I would make up coughing so much that I convulse to the point it hurts my lungs and I cant breathe. Like I would make up my nose and face getting itchy.

I have been tested and the tests have confirmed my allergens exist - some worse than others.

I am so sick of being sick like this.

The lunatic LayZ boy talks to himself all the time

LayZ boy has big mental issues. Really big mental issues.

He quite often sits in his room and talks to himself. It's not like he thinks he is talking to someone else (or maybe he is), it's more like he's talking to himself out loud because he has no-one else to talk to.

LayZ boy talks about nonsensical things.

LayZ boy talks so much nonsense, that even his mother tells him to shut up and stop getting on her nerves.

He continues to refer to the cat as "she" and "her", even though he knows the cat is male. He often calls the cat a "bitch" and tells the cat to "fuck off", especially if the cat doesn't want to stay with him after he has fed the cat. He also tells the cat he hates her (and yet he knows the cat is male).

I think he's using the cat as a substitute for his soon-to-be ex-wife and saying things to the cat, which he would want to say to his soon-to-be ex-wife (he cant handle it that the cat wants to go outside and play after he feeds it, he thinks the cat should stay with him and be grateful for his attention and he constantly calls the cat a bitch when he knows the cat is male). Not that LayZ boy would ever admit he has a problem, but I guess that is why I know definitely he has, when he wont recognise it.

It will be a happy day for me when I move from here and into my own place and never have to see LayZ boy's ugliness (both outer and inner) again.

LayZ boy the vindictive lunatic

LayZ boy has not had a reaction from me for weeks now. And he cant handle it. He continues stomping through the house most days because he wants attention and wants to upset me in some way. Idiotic lunatic!

If he hears that I am outside, he immediately comes outside to have a cigarette, but I hear him most of the time and am already in the sun room before he can light up a cigarette and blow it in my face, the asshole.

Today, unfortunately, I was too slow.

I went outside just before and I called out to the cat.

Very soon after that, while I was playing with the cat, LayZ boy came outside and as soon as I started to walk back inside, he had lit up his cigarette and blow the cigarette smoke on my face.

His mother was there too, but she just stood silently, watering the garden, pretending it wasn't happening. Great way to encourage her lunatic son to keep on behaving this way, just ignore it and therefore he thinks he cant continue to do it, because his mother wont say a word. Even his step-father, the aggressive one that he is, would tell off LayZ boy for doing that. Besides which, LayZ boy wouldn't do it in front of his step-father, for the very reason he would be told off.

I simply cannot believe I am related to idiots such as these two. I simply cannot fathom the depths of their mental illness. They are just very sick people. Very sick.

Hard to find a place to move into

I haven't yet found a place to move into because I want to make sure I am working in this job a bit longer, so that I have enough money to pay my rent when I do move.

Plus, renting is so very expensive here and it's hard to find a reasonably priced apartment somewhere close to public transport. When I move I will have to catch public transport, so I want a place that is not so far from public transport and doesn't take too long to get me to work.

I have been working crazy hours - most weekend and don't leave work till after 6.30pm, so I haven't had enough time to actually even look for a suitable apartment in the first place, so while I have more money now, I have much less time to spend looking for a suitable rental apartment. I am so time poor at the moment.

I usually look for the open for inspections (for Saturday) on Friday nights after I have relaxed a little in front of the television, but by that time I am absolutely exhausted after a tiring week working so hard that I cant concentrate properly and usually wake up late anyway, as I don't get enough sleep during the week, so catch up on Saturdays.

With this continued nutcase behaviour of the lunatic LayZ boy, it makes me more motivated to find somewhere to move.

LayZ boy is a stalker lunatic

I swear that LayZ boy has severe and major mental problems.

He sits in his room, curtains drawn, so that it is dark inside, television on, usually watching videos all day, sweating, smelly and vile.

Then, he goes out for a cigarette every hour or so and he walks past my room, to see what I am doing. He walks up and down stalking me, to the point where I am about to draw my curtains when I hear him go outside.

He is one sick lunatic!

What the hell is wrong with him and why is he looking into my room? What does he want to try to steal?

He is so jealous, so vindictive and such an idiot. He hates it that I have more than him and he wants what I have.

His idiot mother used to make me give my stuff to him when we were little kids, so now he thinks he has a right to my things. Assholes the lot of them.

And the thing is, if I tell him mother what he is doing, because he is such a good liar and manipulator, he'll tell her he didn't do that, that I am lying to make him look bad and she will believe him. And if she did believe me, she'd tell me that there is nothing wrong with him walking past my room, outside, up and down, like a stalker. Sick, sick, sick people!

I just want to shake the stupidity and lunacy out of them both!

Idiot!

LayZ boy is incredibly jealous of me

I have a good singing voice.

I have always wanted to be a singer but I get a bit shy and embarrassed when I try to sing in front of other people, so I have never pursued a singing career. I get a bit embarrassed that I start singing off-pitch when I am around other people. I am getting better, but it is hard for me to sing in front of others. I don't have the confidence.

Anyway, I have always felt confident singing in front of my family, because I always have sung in front of them. Maybe I should have tried to imagine I was at home, singing in the bathroom when I have sung in front of other people. I have sung karaoke and I get so nervous that my hand shakes. I do okay most of the time, because I talk myself into it, but I am so nervous.

And the interesting thing about my singing, is that I have a really good opera singing voice. Apparently I am a mezzo soprano, which means I can sing high and lower notes too. I find opera singing so easy-breezy, like it's nothing for me. I do enjoy it.

LayZ boy is very jealous of my ability to sing well and on key and in pitch.

Lately, he's trying so hard to sing. He's not actually singing, but talking in a slightly rhythmic way (that's how he seems to think singing happens).

LayZ boy has this intense need to compete with me. He always has. He fails miserably in any case, as he cannot sing and I can.

It's quite funny to hear because no matter how hard he tries, he doesn't have a singing voice.

This is very much like when we were kids. Anything I do, he wants to do too because he wants to be like me because he's so insecure about himself and thinks that I am smarter and better than him.

Lunatic!

The chaos that is this family - moodiness prevails

No wonder the counsellor keeps saying that I live in a chaotic environment (and have since I was a child), because I do. This is not a calm environment I live in and have never lived in. It is a very chaotic environment and one which is not good for me.

To have to contend with people who behave this way is not healthy.

The three of them are totally unpredictable - I never know what kind of mood they will be in from one day to the next, nor how they will respond to anything I do or say. It's very unstable and makes me feel very unsure about my life.

No wonder I have always felt that I haven't had sure footing in life, that I haven't felt like I belonged anywhere and that I haven't felt like I could count on anyone. How could I when I have been exposed to nonsense like this all my life and haven't known anything else.

I have finally realised why I have always attracted and been attracted to similar people to my family - those who use and disrespect me - because these are the only people who feel familiar to me and are what I am used to and know well.

I am starting to recognise the insanity for what it is now and that is making it worse with my parents because I am speaking up for myself and they don't like that and want to shut me down. That is sad that I have to tolerate that nonsense.

At least with the counselling and reading, I have been working on my self-worth and self-love, to make myself a stronger person who doesn't have to take crap from anyone.

You know the other day, I started to feel really sad. I felt really sad because I was grieving the childhood I never had and the good family I never had and I told myself that it was okay to feel this way, that it was normal to feel sad about that which I never had growing up, but which I should have had and was entitled to have. That made me feel better to know that.

My family is mentally unwell - part 2: the brother

LayZ boy, the brother has a range of mental health issues.

LayZ boy is very vindictive and into punishing others for their alleged transgressions against him. He will bide his time, waiting for an opportunity to do something to hurt you, if he thinks he has the power to do so. And to me, he thinks he does, because his mother gives him permission to do so, by always encouraging him and always protecting him. Great.

LayZ boy has psychopathic tendencies.

I watched a documentary about a man who was being tested for being a psychopath and it was just like watching my brother in action. The guy on the doco kept on telling the people studying him that he was very much a narcissist (exactly what LayZ boy has said about himself on many an occasion), he was very paranoid (just like LayZ boy - if I repeat to LayZ boy what he has told me before about himself, LayZ boy accuses me of spying on him) and he was abusive and obnoxious, more so when he thought the cameras were not on and behaved more "normally"when the cameras were on (exactly like LayZ boy, who says and does the most obnoxious and aggressive things when I am not holding a camera but who then behaves like a model citizen when the cameras are on, or when other people are around).

The guy in the doco was also very manipulative and lied a lot (that is also like LayZ boy) and he had no qualms about hurting people (just like LayZ boy) and had very little feelings for anyone else (just like LayZ boy) and didn't think twice about using others (just like LayZ boy).

The other thing that has been happening lately, is that LayZ boy has become even more manic than usual, so I wonder if he also has bipolar disorder too, just like his mother. LayZ boy seems to go on these manic highs and depressive lows, alternating between them. I don't think he really knows what he's doing to some extent.

LayZ boy is very mentally unwell. A normal person would not behave this way.

So no wonder his mother cant see that LayZ boy is so mentally unwell - that is because she is too and is in such denial about her mental health issues, that if she acknowledges her son's mental illness, she has to acknowledge her own and she wont do that.

At least now I have some understanding why.

My family is mentally unwell - part 1: the mother

Now that I have been working and am away from my family most of the day and with the counselling I have been getting and the reading I have been doing, I can see them with more objective eyes.

It's even more apparent that my mother and brother are mentally unwell.

While I am not a psychiatrist or even psychologist, I am quite smart and have been around them for a long time, so know my family and their behaviours really well, so I am in a good position to pinpoint their symptoms and try to work out what is wrong with them. Of course they would never concede to any diagnosis, but at least I will know.

The mother has OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) to a mild extent. She tends to check and re-check everything, even coming back home when she thinks she has left the door open. My mother also has bipolar disorder. She is so moody and can snap at you about anything.

The mother yells a lot, is very angry and upset one moment and the next, she's all happy and relaxed. Something can upset her one day and the next it doesn't. If she wants something from me, she's very manipulative. If I don't give her what she wants, she yells at me and tells me she wont give me xyz next time I ask.

The other day the cat came in with another cats' claw in his upper paw and I asked the mother to get it out while I held the cat (actually it was her suggestion). She couldn't get it out and the cat became very agitated and upset. Finally I calmed the cat and the mother told me to hold it down so she could try again (she was trying to pull out the other cat's talon with tweezers, but all she seemed to be pulling, was the cat's skin and upsetting him). I told her no, that we should just leave the cat for now, as her technique wasn't working and was only upsetting the cat. The mother didn't like that, told me that I just wanted everything my way and that I was so stubborn.

I took the cat to the family room, where he hid under the couch, because he was obviously upset and didn't want any put rough handling.

I had some cold chicken in the fridge, so I cut off a tiny bit and took it to him, putting my hand (with the chicken on it) under the couch to let him smell it and eat it. To try to cajole him out. He did eat it without swiping me. I went back to the kitchen to get some more meat, to try to use it to cajole the cat out from under the couch. The mother started yelling at me, telling me to stop putting meat under the couch (I wasn't doing that, the meat was on my hand and from there it went into the cat's mouth) and that what I was doing wouldn't work, that the cat wouldn't come out from the couch, that I was stupid and stubborn for doing it. So unnecessary and so wrong. The next thing I see, is the cat right next to me, waiting for the chicken I was going to feed him. He is a smart cat. The mother on the other hand, is such a bitch. She wants to force the cat to do what she wants and calls me stubborn for telling her to stop that and to let the cat come out of his own accord (or cajole him with food).

I just shake my head when I think about her and her comments. She always puts me down and says derogatory things about me, for no reason other than to make me feel bad. She just cannot stop putting me down. According to her, everything I do is totally wrong, I cant do anything right. Yet, that is not true. She just tries to make me feel that way with the mean and nasty things she says to me, so needlessly.

The mother tends to hide her nasty behaviours or be on her best behaviour when she is around other people she doesn't know well, or when she is around people she thinks she needs to impress. But, when she behaves as obnoxiously to people as she does to me (these are people she thinks she doesn't need to impress and doesn't care about), they do not like her one bit and tell me how sorry they feel for me that I have a mother like that. Yeah, don't I know it!

Step-father is currently overseas

The step-father left on a plane the other day, to go overseas and see his brothers and sisters.

One good thing from that is I have one less person putting me down here.

But, unfortunately, it also means that LayZ boy has become even more obnoxious since the step-father left.

LayZ boy has started putting on music very loudly late at night or turns the sound on his television very loudly too, knowing full well that I am trying to sleep because I need to get up early for work. And, because his mother isn't home (she's out at the pub with her friends), he knows he can get away with it, because if I say anything to her, he'll just deny it and do it worse the next day.

If I say anything to him, it's only going to escalate the situation, upset me and wont make him stop, so I have been studiously ignoring him and because LayZ boy is such a child, he eventually turns down the music, while still quite loud, not as loud as before and I eventually fall asleep. If LayZ boy's step-father was home, he wouldn't be able to do this because his step-father goes to sleep even before I do and his step-father would yell at LayZ boy for having loud noises on.

The other thing that LayZ boy has been doing, is to stomp on the floor while he walks up and down the corridor, past my bedroom, just so I can hear him.

LayZ boy also turns on his alarm, to wake himself up early on a Saturday morning, just so he can start yelling really loudly, in order to wake me up from my sleep.

Additionally, the other night, around midnight, LayZ boy was talking very loudly on his phone to one of his friends and his mother said not a word to him about the noise he was making. If it was me on the other hand, she would be yelling profusely at me for making any noise above a whisper.

I just ignore the lunatic LayZ boy, because I know that he's doing it to get a reaction from me and I will not give him that satisfaction. As far as I am concerned, LayZ boy does not exist and has nothing to do with me or my life.

Yes unfair and hypocritical, but I don't expect anything else from the lunatics.

Havent posted anything in a while

I haven't posted anything in over two months and that's because I have been busy working.

The job has been a good thing for my mental health, as it has meant that I spend most of my day away from the lunatic nutcases that live here and instead spend the day with relatively normal people who are not mentally unstable like my family.

The other really good thing about this job is that is has given me back my self-confidence and my sense of self-worth again and that is also a very good thing.

The other good thing about this job is that I don't have to listen to lunatic nutcases say derogatory and mean things to me every day. I actually get praise for my work, because it is good.

The job I have taken has been very intense, very pressured, with very tight deadlines.

One thing I can say, is that I am totally not bored in this job, as it's very challenging and that's a good thing.

I am doing web development.

The manic nutcases in this family

This afternoon, the step-father was having a shower.

He either forgot to get some underpants, or his wife forgot to leave some out for him.

The step-father came out of the shower  and started yelling to his wife to get him some undergarments.

His wife yelled back to him, telling him to remember to get his own undergarments before he went into the shower. The step-father yelled to her to get his underwear.

LayZ boy heard all of this and started saying: "Mother, you better get step-father his underwear. He cant walk around without underwear. Mother. Mother. Mother. Get his underwear. Mother. Come on Mother, get step-father's underwear," finishing off with a laugh, as he must have thought his comments were hilarious.

I was in the kitchen for the duration of this exchange between the three manic nutcases, so I was not part of it, but because they were all yelling so loudly, I heard every comment made.

Echoes of abusive patterns

John Talbot, 1st Earl of Shrewsbury, presents the
Book of Romances (Shrewsbury Book)
to Margaret of Anjou, wife of King Henry VI, 1445

When the step-father told me he would kill me, but he would only go to jail, it brought back echoes of what a former boyfriend said to me. One ex-boyfriend said almost the same thing.

This just shows so clearly the abusive patterns I have been experiencing in my familiar relationships have been played out in my romantic relationships too. I have attracted one man like that in my relationships, which was the most significant relationship I have had so far and that is because everything about him was familiar - the abuse, drama, intense emotions, control, aggressiveness and fear.

While I havent been with any other guys who have been that abusive (at least I have learnt something), the other guys I have been out with, have been emotionally distant and unable to commit. That I think, is because I am unable to commit, so subconsciously I choose them to mirror what I feel and think about relationships.

I am so scared of being with a man who turns out like the step-father or LayZ boy, at some point in the future, so I either choose no relationship (it's safer for me, albeit more lonely) or I find a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough and try to convince him that he does. Of course, this ultimately ends up with me being heartbroken when the guy doesnt want to be with me enough.

As I write this, my behaviour in relationships now, strikes me as funny in an ironic way. That I would waste so much of my time with a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough, when I know that he doesnt want to be with me and I know that I am wasting my time, but I dont want to see it at the time, because I want to feel like I am worthy and the only way I can feel that way is to convince someone who seems indifferent to me that they love me and cant live without me. And as if that will happen!

So while I have learnt something (no more abusive men), I havent learnt enough, as I am still accepting less than I deserve from men.  I am learning.

The threats to hurt me are always there

The family that I am currently living with is not normal.

The step-father said to me the other night (when he got into one of his violent moods), "You better get out of here soon, because I will kill you. And I may got to jail, but you'll be dead!" Meanwhile his son LayZ boy and his wife were holding him back, preventing him from doing anything to me. Not because they were concerned for my safety, no. They were concerned I was taping his behaviour and if the police saw any of it, he would go to jail for threatening me like that.

The son LayZ boy and his mother were trying to protect the step-father from going to jail. So again, they were totally sanctioning  his behaviour.

The step-father kept on going on and on, yelling at me, threatening me, telling me to "piss off" out of there, otherwise he would tear my things apart.

The step-father gets so aggressive when he gets fired up and it takes very little to fire him up. He takes umbrage against anything I do, irrespective of the fact that there is no reason for him to do so, that is irrelevant to him, he just wants to rage at me.

And because of this, I have felt very upset since that argument, very much like crying a lot, as this situation with the nonsense, violent and abusive family is a completely untenable situation for me. I keep telling myself that it's not my fault and try to make myself feel better.

Successful with the job interview

Amazingly, I got the job I applied for recently and which I had the interview.

Funnily enough, the day before I got the call I was successful, I had this interesting "intuition" that told me I got the job. It was rather curious to "hear" this intuition as I thought that maybe because I hadn't heard back for a number of days, I wasn't successful.

Now I have to get all the paperwork sorted out and then will start in a few weeks.

In the meantime, an old colleague of mine wants me to do something for him for a few days. I had a mini-interview a few days ago, to gauge my ability (by a few in his team) to complete what they wanted me to do. I passed.

This is good as it can keep me occupied for a few days and provide me some money to help me find an appropriate place to move to.

Actually once the paperwork is completed and I start in the new job, I can find a place to move to, away from the mental house, which can be my place of job and relaxation.

In the meantime, while I look for a new place, I will be working every day so I wont be anywhere near the mental family for more than 10 hours every day, just around dinner, which I don't eat with them anyway, so very little contact. Hallelujah!

LayZ boy is an irresponsible selfish thing

LayZ boy is a user.

LayZ boy uses everyone he comes into contact with.

If LayZ boy cannot use you, he doesn't have any time for you.

LayZ boy's parents never instilled in him any values of selflessness or responsibility, instead, they allowed him to get away with anything and everything he did. LayZ boy knew that no matter what he did, I would be blamed for it, because as elder child, he was my responsibility to maintain not theirs. So, if he was "naughty", it was never his fault, it was my fault, even when I was but a child. This of course gave LayZ boy the expectation that he would never have to be responsible for any of his behaviours.

LayZ boy's parents believed that as a male child, he did not have to be responsible for any housework ("a boy's hand should never touch a mop or a broom" - how ignorant) and that because he was just over a year younger than me, they also believed that LayZ boy should never have to be responsible for his actions, no matter what he did.

So now, LayZ boy does not know how to wash dishes (he tried once and his mother marvelled at it, like he had performed a miraculous deed, telling me how wondrous it was that he attempted it, once), LayZ boy does not know how to turn on an oven and he does not know how to use a washing machine either. If LayZ boy was not living with his parents, he would not survive very long.