The manic nutcases in this family

This afternoon, the step-father was having a shower.

He either forgot to get some underpants, or his wife forgot to leave some out for him.

The step-father came out of the shower  and started yelling to his wife to get him some undergarments.

His wife yelled back to him, telling him to remember to get his own undergarments before he went into the shower. The step-father yelled to her to get his underwear.

LayZ boy heard all of this and started saying: "Mother, you better get step-father his underwear. He cant walk around without underwear. Mother. Mother. Mother. Get his underwear. Mother. Come on Mother, get step-father's underwear," finishing off with a laugh, as he must have thought his comments were hilarious.

I was in the kitchen for the duration of this exchange between the three manic nutcases, so I was not part of it, but because they were all yelling so loudly, I heard every comment made.

Echoes of abusive patterns

John Talbot, 1st Earl of Shrewsbury, presents the
Book of Romances (Shrewsbury Book)
to Margaret of Anjou, wife of King Henry VI, 1445

When the step-father told me he would kill me, but he would only go to jail, it brought back echoes of what a former boyfriend said to me. One ex-boyfriend said almost the same thing.

This just shows so clearly the abusive patterns I have been experiencing in my familiar relationships have been played out in my romantic relationships too. I have attracted one man like that in my relationships, which was the most significant relationship I have had so far and that is because everything about him was familiar - the abuse, drama, intense emotions, control, aggressiveness and fear.

While I havent been with any other guys who have been that abusive (at least I have learnt something), the other guys I have been out with, have been emotionally distant and unable to commit. That I think, is because I am unable to commit, so subconsciously I choose them to mirror what I feel and think about relationships.

I am so scared of being with a man who turns out like the step-father or LayZ boy, at some point in the future, so I either choose no relationship (it's safer for me, albeit more lonely) or I find a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough and try to convince him that he does. Of course, this ultimately ends up with me being heartbroken when the guy doesnt want to be with me enough.

As I write this, my behaviour in relationships now, strikes me as funny in an ironic way. That I would waste so much of my time with a guy who doesnt want to be with me enough, when I know that he doesnt want to be with me and I know that I am wasting my time, but I dont want to see it at the time, because I want to feel like I am worthy and the only way I can feel that way is to convince someone who seems indifferent to me that they love me and cant live without me. And as if that will happen!

So while I have learnt something (no more abusive men), I havent learnt enough, as I am still accepting less than I deserve from men.  I am learning.

The threats to hurt me are always there

The family that I am currently living with is not normal.

The step-father said to me the other night (when he got into one of his violent moods), "You better get out of here soon, because I will kill you. And I may got to jail, but you'll be dead!" Meanwhile his son LayZ boy and his wife were holding him back, preventing him from doing anything to me. Not because they were concerned for my safety, no. They were concerned I was taping his behaviour and if the police saw any of it, he would go to jail for threatening me like that.

The son LayZ boy and his mother were trying to protect the step-father from going to jail. So again, they were totally sanctioning  his behaviour.

The step-father kept on going on and on, yelling at me, threatening me, telling me to "piss off" out of there, otherwise he would tear my things apart.

The step-father gets so aggressive when he gets fired up and it takes very little to fire him up. He takes umbrage against anything I do, irrespective of the fact that there is no reason for him to do so, that is irrelevant to him, he just wants to rage at me.

And because of this, I have felt very upset since that argument, very much like crying a lot, as this situation with the nonsense, violent and abusive family is a completely untenable situation for me. I keep telling myself that it's not my fault and try to make myself feel better.

Successful with the job interview

Amazingly, I got the job I applied for recently and which I had the interview.

Funnily enough, the day before I got the call I was successful, I had this interesting "intuition" that told me I got the job. It was rather curious to "hear" this intuition as I thought that maybe because I hadn't heard back for a number of days, I wasn't successful.

Now I have to get all the paperwork sorted out and then will start in a few weeks.

In the meantime, an old colleague of mine wants me to do something for him for a few days. I had a mini-interview a few days ago, to gauge my ability (by a few in his team) to complete what they wanted me to do. I passed.

This is good as it can keep me occupied for a few days and provide me some money to help me find an appropriate place to move to.

Actually once the paperwork is completed and I start in the new job, I can find a place to move to, away from the mental house, which can be my place of job and relaxation.

In the meantime, while I look for a new place, I will be working every day so I wont be anywhere near the mental family for more than 10 hours every day, just around dinner, which I don't eat with them anyway, so very little contact. Hallelujah!

LayZ boy is an irresponsible selfish thing

LayZ boy is a user.

LayZ boy uses everyone he comes into contact with.

If LayZ boy cannot use you, he doesn't have any time for you.

LayZ boy's parents never instilled in him any values of selflessness or responsibility, instead, they allowed him to get away with anything and everything he did. LayZ boy knew that no matter what he did, I would be blamed for it, because as elder child, he was my responsibility to maintain not theirs. So, if he was "naughty", it was never his fault, it was my fault, even when I was but a child. This of course gave LayZ boy the expectation that he would never have to be responsible for any of his behaviours.

LayZ boy's parents believed that as a male child, he did not have to be responsible for any housework ("a boy's hand should never touch a mop or a broom" - how ignorant) and that because he was just over a year younger than me, they also believed that LayZ boy should never have to be responsible for his actions, no matter what he did.

So now, LayZ boy does not know how to wash dishes (he tried once and his mother marvelled at it, like he had performed a miraculous deed, telling me how wondrous it was that he attempted it, once), LayZ boy does not know how to turn on an oven and he does not know how to use a washing machine either. If LayZ boy was not living with his parents, he would not survive very long.

The step-father is home to a cold house

So the step-father came home around 9pm and the fire was almost completely out.

It is absolutely freezing outside. The wind is lashing the rain and it's very cold. With the wind chill factor, it must b close to zero degrees Celsius right now.

As soon as he heard his step-father come in, LayZ boy came out of his room to greet him in the family room.

The step-father asked why LayZ boy didnt put some more wood in the fire. LayZ boy dismissed him (seems to be an ongoing theme in this family, the dismissiveness) and said to the step-father, "You dont need the fire on, go to bed," as if his step-father is a child and LayZ boy has final say about what goes on in this house. Then LayZ boy promptly left the room so that the step-father had no recourse to say anything further to him.

After LayZ boy left the room, the step-father could be heard saying, "fucking LayZ boy what a bludger, doesnt even put one piece of wood in the fire to keep it going" and "what a family this is". Yeah step-father, what a great, upstanding son you have raised there. He takes after his step-father's selfishness and irresponsibility. Good job!

Good. Let them see that LayZ boy does not take responsibility for anything, that he is a selfish, self-centred son-of-a-bitch who does not do anything for anyone unless there is something in it for him. But I doubt that his parents will come to any such rational conclusion.

The hallway and draught hypocrisy

The mother has an issue with a draught coming through the hallway door.

Every time I leave the hallway door open, the mother rages up the hallway, yells at me, "you blood idiot, leaving the door open like that", slams the door shut and then she continues to yell at me as she goes back to the family room.

LayZ boy, on the other hand, leaves the doors all open, all the time and she says absolutely nothing to him.  He even leaves the hallway door open, plus the landing door open and the mother says nothing to him.

When I point it out, the fact that she says nothing to her son for doing the same thing I do, and for which she yells at me mercilessly, you know what her response is? "I didn't notice" An absolute lie. She notices all right. She just closes the door and says nothing to him.

It's just hypocrisy. If I do something like leave the hallway door open to get our rooms heated, the mother acts like I have committed a heinous crime. When her son LayZ boy does it, the mother pretends he didn't and says nothing.

To illustrate even more just how hypocritical this behaviour it, when the mother and step-father go to bed, she then opens the hallways door herself, so her room can get heated. Selfishness to the extreme!

There is no major draught coming through. The mother just likes to create drama and blame me for everything, but does not say anything to her son LayZ boy.

It's just such major hypocrisy, as per usual.

The hypocrisy is ongoing

Today is another cold, windy and rainy miserable day.

Both the step-father and the mother have left the house to go to the pub. They didn't leave enough wood in the fire (again).

Their son, LayZ boy is home, but he wont put any wood in the fire. I think since the fire was started, around April, LayZ boy has put wood in the fire just one time. That's why I call him LayZ boy, as he does not contribute anything. All LayZ boy is interested in, is to smoke his cigarettes, watch videos all day and be a total nuisance.

So, once the step-father and mother come home, they will find the fire out and one of them has to go out in the rain to get some more wood to re-start the fire.

I don't care. After the way the treated me last night, I will not be doing anything for them. If their son chooses not to keep the fire going and if they are happy with that, then that is their prerogative. I will not keep the fire going. I am staying in my room, where I was told to "piss off to" last night.

I wonder though, if they will learn anything other than to try to blame me? Late last night when the step-father came home by himself (his wife was still out and didn't come back til later), he didn't say anything about the fire being out, not even under his breath. But then again, it was warmer last night, today is freezing, so they may feel differently.

I don't care. It is not my responsibility. If they cant get their son to do something, it is highly hypocritical of them to chastise me for not doing it either. I will not stand for the inequity any more.