Feeling like crap today

I really feel like crap today, physically. I don't feel well at all, tired and lethargic and my lungs hurt still, because of the bronchitis that's still affecting me, which is making me cough a lot.

I am also menstruating at the moment too, which is another factor making me really tired and unwell. I always feel extra sleepy when I am menstruating due to the loss of blood and loss of iron and as I don't eat much meat anyway, it means I am losing a bit too much blood/iron and am not replacing it with the iron in my food and this makes me slightly anaemic. I don't really like red meat that much, so that means I don't eat it much either and that, together with the heavy blood loss each month contributes to my lower than normal iron (and haemoglobin) levels and makes me much more tired than I normally would feel at this time each and every month.

I also get menstrual pain, sometimes quite a lot, during the week of my periods, so that just adds to the whole misery and no painkillers ever help that much.  It also hurts to touch my stomach/abdominal area to the point where I couldn't even have my handbag on my side, as it was touching my stomach and making the pain much worse. I once had pain so bad, that not only did I have the severe cramps, but I also felt like throwing up, I felt dizzy and couldn't even sit down. I went to hospital and they wanted to give me morphine!  It happens very rarely that the pain is that bad, maybe 1-2 times a year, so that is a relief that it doesn't occur like this every month, but when it does, it really is unbearable.

And in addition to the above (as if that wasn't enough), I also get really major bloating in my stomach that makes me look like I am about 4 months pregnant. My stomach gets so bloated that I cant wear my normal clothes, I have to wear one size bigger. Even my jackets, even the loose ones, that are normally baggy, I cant even button up as my stomach gets that big, due to the fluid retention!

I had a nice dinner - spaghetti bolognese - with some nice shaved Parmesan cheese on top.  While the sauce did contain some minced meat, it wasn't enough for my body to re-stock its iron and haemoglobin levels back to normal. It did give me a bit of a boost, but not enough it seems.

In addition to all of this, I have bad insomnia, which means I get to bed really late at night (or rather early in the morning) and then wake up later in the day. Today, though, it was a record sleep. I woke up at 4.50pm after getting to sleep at around 5am this morning!  Obviously I needed the sleep, but when I woke up this afternoon, I felt so sluggish and out of it! It's now almost 9pm and I still feel really tired and sluggish and just feel like going back to sleep again!  I think I need to read instead and try to stop coughing so much.

Stress is taking a huge toll on my health

The constant stress of being around these chaotic, manic, obnoxious people is taking a huge toll on my health, to the point where I have been sick almost every day from a viral upper respiratory infection, almost every day for the past three months! I have had sinusitis, colds, the flu, pharyngitis and bronchitis, as well as allergies. The bronchitis makes it very hard for me to breathe properly.

My face looks terrible too. The stress is starting to take a huge toll on my looks lately. Even I can see how terrible I am looking every day! My skin tone looks bad, I have dark circles under my eyes, my hair looks limp and I have lost the sparkle in my eyes.

The viral infections mean I get hot and cold chills and fever, I feel totally lethargic and exhausted. My energy levels are so low.

I also don't sleep very well. I have really bad quality of sleep, often waking up many times during the night because I get sleep apnea - with my nasal passages completely blocked and then my mouth being closed too, I stop breathing, at which point my body realises that I am not breathing, wakes me a little to make me conscious and then I start gasping for air and wake up with a startle. It freaked me out the first time it happened and took me ages to convince doctors that it was happening (I don't fit the regular profile of a person with sleep apnea as I am not obese or even overweight), but now it happens every so often, I know what it is and I try to calm myself down after I wake up with the gasp for air and try to get back to sleep again.

With the insomnia, it means even if I do get to sleep and stay asleep, I don't feel at all refreshed when I wake up - sometimes I feel even more tired that when I first went to sleep!

I am a right mess at the moment and I just want someone to show me some kindness and gentleness.  But I think I will have to comfort myself with the cat's love as he is the only nice, sweet thing in this house. He tends to sleep in my room every night, at the foot of my bed. When he's ready to go out, he gets up from his sleeping position and walks around and makes a little purring noise and let him out. It's because I am such a light sleeper at the moment that I rouse immediately as soon as the cats wakes up. At least he loves to cuddle with me before going to sleep and before leaving, so that is the only time I get some loving and even though it's only a little bit of love from an animal, at least it's something and at least it's unconditional love and comes without any strings attached. The cat loves me for me and that's nice! At least someone does!

Sore throat and lungs

Anyway, today my throat is so sore from screaming at them yesterday. I was screaming at them to stop touching my things, to stop violating my rights, to stop invading my boundaries and to allow me to have my own things without anyone invading my right to privacy.

I didn't say it so articulately, I just told him to stop touching my things, that LayZ boy has no right, absolutely no right to touch anything of mine, ever.  I just screamed and screamed and screamed because I was so frustrated with them, but of course, they don't take any notice.

Needless to say, not only is my throat sore today, but so are my muscles surrounding the outside of my throat as I was yelling so much.  I was so incredibly frustrated with them for violating my rights yet again.  It's just an awful feeling!

After I started screaming, my mother came up to see what the calamity was and told LayZ boy so weakly that he shouldn't touch my things, but of course he didn't want to hear it and closed the door in her face - that is how he reacts when she tries to tell him anything about me and my rights and boundaries. He simple shuts her out and tells her to go away and then starts telling me to "fuck off" and calling me a loser. He acts just like a five year old child would behave, not a grown adult.

Meanwhile, my step-father is just laughing and yelling loudly, imitating me, mocking me and telling me to scream more, that the police are going to come and lock me away, that I am mental and have lost it and that there is little left of my sanity. Then, conversely, a little while later, he tells me, that I am just pretending, that I am not upset really, that I am just pretending and making it up! Insanity! These people are the definition of insanity!

As one counsellor told me, being around them was "crazy-making" because they were just so chaotic, manic, obnoxious and abusive, with little regard for my rights or boundaries.  These people are strangers to me. They are really not my family. That's what it feels like, because they have been so abusive to me my whole life and its just getting worse now that LayZ boy is here because with his horrible, ugly baseness, he convinces my parents to be their worst too.  His influence on them is so obvious and so bad - he brings out their vileness and they all rejoice in it!

You know, I have always wished for a loving, close, supportive family because I have never known that from my own family.  All I have ever received is abuse, violence, my rights violated and people making fun of me and mocking me for no reason. It's just awful to know that these people who are supposed to protect and love you, just do the complete opposite and continue to do so. It is really sad.

I know when I leave here, I wont contact them for a long time. I need the distance to find myself and find who I really am and how to make myself whole again, because right now I am shattered and broken, physically, mentally and spiritually and I really need to heal myself in order to live properly and have a good life!