I felt like shit tonight

I felt like killing myself tonight.

I really felt like just ending it. Ending the misery that is my life.

I thought about slashing my wrists and letting the lifeblood run right out. And end this horrible misery I find myself in.

I went to my room and cried my heart out after they all continued to yell at me.

I felt so awful.

This is not a family.

These are horrible, awful people, who don't understand how to treat anyone with respect or decency.

These people are so ignorant and abusive and obnoxious and continue to blame me for their actions.

They never take responsibility for anything they do or say. They make me feel like everything that is bad is my fault, even though it isn't. They even tell me that all the time, "everything is your fault".

And the mentally unwell idiot LayZ boy walks past my room, up and down, calling me a "loser" and yet it's him who has not teeth. It's him who is unemployable. It's him whose wife cheated on him and wont have anything to do with him. It's him who has no prospects in life. Not me.

Insane family who is so totally in denial about me

This family is sick in the head, all three of them - mother, step-father and brother - they simply cant handle anything that has to do with me.

They keep telling me that since I am sick with these allergies/sinus problems, I am a total burden on them, that they cant do what they want because I am here. That they cant have people over all the time like they want, because I get sick (bullshit, they still have people over with their perfumes and I get sick) and that "everyone knows I am allergic" (as if that is something to be ashamed about, like what the hell?) and that they cant paint the doors because I am here and that I need to get out of their house because they cant handle me here.

I am overwhelmed with their compassion and care. So overwhelmed that they have such compassion for my illness. Geez! What total obnoxiousness. They act like it's my fault I am sick, that its my fault I have allergies and that I can control them. So absolutely ignorant it's just unbelievable.

Every time I try to reason with them, it ends in an argument because my mother ignores me. She just keeps on doing what she's doing, pretending that I am not there, as if ignoring me will make me go away. She doesn't want to accept that her son does things on purpose to hurt me.

Last night he put on all these perfumed products and he did so this morning again, but hey, it doesn't affect any of them, so who cares that I am that allergic and I get sick. I am irrelevant to them.

Finally after crying to her, telling her to stop ignoring me, to take away his products and replace them with other stuff, she finally went to see LayZ boy and of course he denied using anything and of course she believes him. Of course, because obviously my symptoms are all in my head, of course. Of course, I haven't been officially diagnosed with severe allergy symptoms, of course my immune system is not on high alert every day, of course I am not sick, of course.

LayZ boy comes out and tells them that he didn't do anything. Yet he's lying again. Then he tells me to "fuck off" and that he can "do whatever he wants to do" that "I cant make him change anything" and again he tells me to "fuck off". This is all in my parents presence, but of course they say nothing to him, because as far as they are concerned he is allowed to be as obnoxious as he wants to be to me without any consequences for his vile actions. LayZ boy is so cut that his mother told him not to wear his products, so to antagonise me for her telling him this, he purposely puts every product he owns on his face and body - because he knows it will make me ill. How fucked up is that? And then he lies about it. But of course, that is okay. Who cares if I get sick. Definitely not any of them. Who cares that LayZ boy is a vindictive asshole who does thing on purpose to hurt me physically - who cares about that?

Bloody hell, these idiots make me so sick! Figuratively and literally!

Then the idiot step-father started his rant about how everything is my fault. That because I am sick with severe allergies he cant have people here, cant paint doors, cant do this, cant do that - as if my allergies restrict his life in some major way. He forgets to recognise that I wasn't here for months on end, that he could have painted whatever he wanted then, but he doesn't like the truth, he likes to blame and criticise me for everything because he cant be rational. He even moved towards me like he wanted to hit me. What a vile poor excuse for a human being.  They all are. Vile,selfish, poor excuses for human beings!  No need for enemies with a family like this. They are complete and utter assholes!

The allergies rise again - should be living in a bubble

I am so allergic to everything, that it makes like difficult. Other people simply don't understand. And my family, they cant seem to understand the concept of severe allergies, like what I have.

Today my parents were out at their friends house and when they came home, I asked my mother to get changed out of their clothes because the perfume was starting to bother me - my head and my sinuses was starting to hurt.  Even thought she was standing about 2-3 metres away from me, the aroma was pervading the room already and starting to affect me.

The interesting thing is that my mother wasn't wearing any perfume herself, the aroma came from being in the same proximity, touching and kissing her friend and his wife, in just normal social interaction - shaking hands, hugging, kissing on the cheek hello and goodbye, probably touching their arm - and because their friends wear a great deal of deodorants and perfumes it pervades the air and everything they touch. So just being around them, some of it will rub off on other people. This wouldn't affect other people - just me!

After arguing with me about why certain things affect me more than others (I told her I cant control or predict what will affect me) they finally went to their room to get changed.  When my mother came back, I walked past her to get something and the aroma was so strong near where she was standing, that immediately my nose started itching and I started to cough with an asthmatic-type, dry cough. I told my mother that she should see the cause and effect of how allergic I am and instead of being sympathetic, my idiot step-father told me to "piss off out of here" and to "piss off to you room" and "you're good for nothing, you're always sick".  My mother, meanwhile, just stands there and lets him say whatever he wants to me, even as I was leaving left the room, he was still talking his crap. It's only when I have totally gone that he stopped.

Nice huh?

They are completely unsympathetic towards my illnesses. It's rather disconcertingly awful to be treated in this terrible way.  They simply (a) don't believe that I am that allergic and (b) cant understand how someone can be that allergic. Shows just how ignorant they are. And it of course makes me feel bad to be treated in this shitty, abusive way. Why would I even expect anything better from them?

What a family. No need for enemies when you have a family like this!

Just from that very brief exposure to the perfume my lungs still hurt, as do my sinuses, even though I am now in my bedroom, with the heater on and nowhere near them. I am so completely sensitive and allergic to almost everything - like the girl in the bubble!  This family of mine just doesn't seem to understand this at all!

It just upsets me that they would be so obnoxious to me, when I do everything right. I collected all their clothes from the clothes line and put them in the lounge to get dry (the sun is not very strong now so it takes ages for clothes to dry and if you collect them from the clothes line after 4.00pm, they feel a bit damp. I also closed up the chicken house, I washed all the dirty dishes and I even started the fire and so the house was nice and warm when they came home. But nothing I ever do is good enough for them. I could give them a million dollars (if I had it) and they would still complain and bitch about me to me and behind my back. They are just ridiculous people without any sense at all and they just take great pleasure in hurting and abusing me!