Drained of all my energy

I am so drained of all my energy after that argument with the nutcases of my family today.  It is awful having to deal with this crap on a daily basis. Just totally awful. So unbearable.

The other day, my mother left the light on in the landing, near the front door, I of course am in my study reading/Internet, several rooms away from it (and my mother is the one who left it on) and my brother, LayZ boy comes past and  hits my door as I am closing it, ensuring that I cant close it, telling me, "why did you leave the light on you fucking bitch, waking me up?"

Of course I have no idea what he is talking about and tell him so. He then proceeds to tell me that it's my fault that he's still awake because the light is on in the landing and I am a "fucking loser" for leaving it on to keep him awake on purpose. I told him to get lost and that I had nothing to do with the light, that it was his mother who must have left it on because she went downstairs age ago. His response?  "Fuck off you loser".... 

Right, so it's my fault that someone else left a light on keeping him awake. Then it's my fault again for letting him know exactly who left the light on (not me).  Right.  Just makes so much sense for him to behave like that doesn't it?

And according to my mother I am the one who is sick?  Right, yeah right!  I just tell her the truth about her son and she just cannot accept how sick she and her son are and just how deluded she and her thinking is.  Deflecting her insane thinking and what she really thinks about herself and her son onto me.  Great!

If I tell my mother anything that her son has done to me in a violent and abusive way, her response is either: "I wasn't here so I cant believe you" or "he told me you wouldn't do xyz, that's why he hit you/lashed out at you/whatever".  Meanwhile I am begging her, crying out loud, telling her to believe me and to do something about him.  And nothing. She just keeps repeating the same stuff to me, negating any responsibility on his or her part and telling me that I am sick and I need help!  Jeez, not only do they pile shit on me, but they then tell me that I am to blame for it, that everything that happens to me is my fault and that I don't deserve anything.  Wow, how messed up do you think they are??

My God these people are so not normal. They are just not normal. And I have been living with them my whole life.  They are sick, sick, sick.  You cannot even begin to comprehend just how sick they are.

I am just drained of energy having to deal with them and fight for my rights as a person who should not have to put up with their abuse!  And to top it off, I am physically sick most days and have no energy as it is, this just makes me worse still and it means I cannot get my shit together enough to find a way out of here and onto a better (and more normal) life.

God!!!

The assault in Aug 09

In mid August, my brother assaulted me and my parents lied to the police to protect him, so that he wouldn't go to jail.

We were in the kitchen/family room (my mother, brother, me and my step-father) and I told my mother that I couldn't handle the perfume my brother insists on wearing, it makes me ill (I am allergic to everything and get sick with sinus and asthma symptoms if I am near anyone with strong perfumes, but these people cant seem to comprehend this).

I told my brother Lay-Z boy that he doesn't need to come into the kitchen when I am cooking something especially just after he has been smoking as the cigarettes make me feel very sick, physically. He responded in his usual abhorrent irresponsible manner "who cares what you think or want, go fuck yourself".

He poured himself a glass of milk and at this point I am getting itchy all over my face, nose, neck and cant breathe properly totally frustrated with their attitudes (him being the narcissist, my parents apathetic), so I just pushed his glass across the bench and it fell over the bench and onto the floor.

Then, my brother grabbed my by the lapel of my top and pushed me against the pantry cupboard - smacked my head and shoulders against it - and started telling me that he was going to "fucking kill" me. He has this really mental look in his eyes and was holding me there and I couldn't get out of his hold. I told him to let me go and leave me alone, I started to push against his hand to try to get him off me, but I was in a totally vulnerable position, pinned against the pantry cupboard. He is 6 foot tall, with some muscles and how am I, a 165cm female going to fight against that?  Impossible.

Then a few seconds later, he put his hands at my throat and started to again tell me he was going to "fucking kill" me! I was so scared for my life, I thought that that was it, he was going to strangle and kill me.

Meanwhile, my mother is next to him, trying to pull him off me, unsuccessfully and my step-father is watching from the other side of the breakfast bar, like he was watching an interesting show on TV!

I called the police. They came and a few interviewed my parents and brother who lied to the police. The police officer I got was so sympathetic and believed me when I told him exactly what happened, but there was nothing they could do as my family lied to protect my brother.  What a betrayal??  The police officer told me how he thought they seemed so blase and complacent about the whole ordeal, that it seemed like it was nothing to them.  Thank goodness I got such a decent, compassionate police officer.

I just cannot believe my own mother would lie to protect her son and betray her own daughter.  What a mother! But then again, what else should I expect from people who have abused me all my life?  I was stupid to think she would be honest.

I left their house to go up north the very next day because I didn't feel safe there.

Another day in hell

Another day with the hell family.

My step-father and brother were in the sun room and I came out to show my step-father a gossip magazine with actors and my brother LayZ boy starts yelling at me and telling me what an "idiot" I am, how "stupid" I am, that I am "unmarried" and a "loser" just because I am talking to my step-father who is enjoying my conversation. 

My step-father told my brother to stop all of his ranting and raving, several times, but my brother continued to say his crap over and over again.  My brother cant handle it if I talk to my step-father because it means that he wont get on my brother's little bandwagon of lies, so that's why he lashes out at me.  So vindictive and childish. Unbelievable!

Now these comments from my brother are rather richly ironic, considering I am the educated one, I am the successful one (probably not so much at the moment, but that's a different story), I am single by choice right now and in any case, it's my brother who failed miserably at his marriage, to the point where his wife dumped all of his clothes in garbage bags into his car and changed the locks so he couldn't come back inside. She dumped him so unceremoniously and he's cut and taking it out on me. His wife told him that he she couldn't take any more of his abusive and aggressive behaviour.

My brother, LayZ boy is a drug addict, he's addicted to the pain medication Oxycontin (also known as "Hillbilly Heroine") and is really more angry than ever. And he still behaves like he's an errant 5 year old brat whose mother never taught him any boundaries, so now he does whatever he wants with her permission (explicit and complicit).

The argument, which I have on video/sound culminated with me telling my brother that I recorded him the other day saying to me, "You want me to hit you again"... and that's when he got really irate and really angry. Starting calling me a "fucking cunt", "slut", "loser", "bitch", "not married slut" and on and on, really angry. I stayed quite a way away from him, ready to lock the door on my study if he suddenly lashed out at me, like he is wont to do at times.

My mother defends him completely, she even says that my brother does nothing wrong and that everything is all my fault. That I am the one who starts everything that I am the one who causes arguments.  She wont see that it's LayZ boy my brother who is always at fault, but she wont see what is really going on because she doesn't want to acknowledge anything negative about her son. She refuses to see him for what he is. This also means she totally condones his violent abusive behaviour towards me and he knows it, the cunning sly person that he is.

As far as my mother is concerned, it is my fault that my brother started saying these hateful things to me, because I went into the sun room to talk to my step-father, so I have only myself to blame for my brothers' vitriol. He didn't do anything wrong, apparently I did for walking in there. See how deluded she is? 

I completely ignore my brother, don't talk to him at all, don't acknowledge him at all.  Yet, he finds ways to irritate and annoy me, to try to elicit some sort of reaction from me because he knows that I will get all upset and tell him to stop (he does it to get me to get upset) and then he'll go to my mother and say to her, "see, she's yelling at me, I didn't do anything to do".  It's a lie, of course, but because he's so good at manipulation, she believes him. She believes everything he says to her.

I am so sick of these mentally sick, abusive people. They drain my energy and make me feel bad every day.