Now all the neighbours will know about my family!

Well at least my outburst tonight achieved something positive - by telling my neighbour everything that I could tell him (before the police came) meant that I have started to expose my mother for the big hypocritical liar she is.

I told my neighbour about the fact that my mother took me to an exorcist twice when I was younger, because she thought I was possessed by the devil.  Apparently, according to my mother if I didn't drop whatever I was doing to wash the dishes I would get a beating.  That was normal according to her.  But according to me, that was vile and abusive and it made me run away all the time.  And according to my mother, that meant I was possessed by the devil.  She is sick in the head.

I also told my neighbour that how my family behaves in front of other people is not the way they behave to me and that it's just been abuse and violence all my life with them.

I also told my neighbour that my step-father still tries to beat me up, but that my mother gets in his way to stop it and then after that she comes to me and tells me it's all my fault that my step-father got angry and that before he goes all crazy, she inflames him.

I also told my neighbour how my brother assaulted me and that my mother betrayed me by lying to the police about it, basically giving my brother permission to continue behaving that way.

I also told my neighbour that my brother physically pushed me (as did my father) because they were angry with me and took out their anger on me and that my mother wont let my step-father say anything to my brother, wont let anyone say anything to him, because as far as she is concerned, my brother does nothing wrong, yet it's fine to bash one me.

I know my mother is totally pissed off with me for revealing all the "family secrets" - the truth about their abuse - to a neighbour who she knows well.  Good, let them know she is not the sweetness and light fake person she makes out she is and that my step-father is not the jovial, happy joker he make out he is and that my brother is not the quiet, shy person he make out he is in public.  Oh how the liars are being revealed now!

It's about time the neighbourhood knew the truth about my family!  It's time for people around them to know who they really are.

Sneezing non-stop - allergy allert!

Last night I was sneezing non-stop.  I think I sneezed over a hundred times in the space of about an hour.  My nose and sinus passages are just so irritated and inflamed that I couldn't stop sneezing.

I felt so sick and so allergic, it was absolutely awful.  I had to blow my nose so many times.  It was really hard to get to sleep.  I was sneezing so loudly and so much, that I know I woke everyone up.  I know they all heard it.  It was so loud, it would be hard not to have heard me sneezing.

All the stress of this family is just getting to me so much.  I don't normally get allergies like this in summer, but I am now because of them.  I told them all the perfumes and other chemicals are making me very sick and this is the result, which is what I wanted to avoid. But of course, they all dismiss my concerns, telling me that it's all in my head, that there is nothing wrong with me.

My idiot brother LayZ boy upon hearing me go outside, follows me out there, then I walk back in, so he follows me to where I am in the kitchen (he's sprayed himself with perfume so that I can feel sick and sneeze).  I realise what he's done and walk out of the kitchen immediately and go back to my prison cell (my bedroom).

Then a few hours later, LayZ boy sprayed his perfume right next to my bedroom, so that when I walked outside, I would be assaulted by the strong perfume and it would also come into my room and I would feel sick and sneeze more, which of course is exactly what happened.  What an asshole!

So I put the air conditioner on to full blast to try to get rid of the smell, but all it did was to blow more of that perfume and dust under my door and make me sneeze some more.  Great.  Soon after, my step-father came home and growled at me, asking me why the air conditioner was on so high and when I told him about LayZ boy's perfume he started telling him off.  Of course my brother lied about it and said he didn't do anything.

At this point, I was going off my head crying and screaming as I had reached my limit with this idiocy and selfishness. I was screaming at my step-father, telling him that he needs to stop my brother doing this stuff on purpose to make me ill. That I have been sick these past few days and I don't need to continue to be sicker.

I just got so upset that I just started screaming and screaming and screaming in the bathroom and I think the whole street must have heard, because next thing I know, one of our neighbours came to the door.  I was so upset that I didn't even recognise him (I also had only seen him a few times, so I didn't really know him all that well anyway).

He talked to me and I told him all of the crap that my mother and step-father and brother do and he was compassionate enough to believe me.  So now their bullshit duplicity is being uncovered and their masks are coming off so that the whole street knows who they really are - abusive liars! 

The police then came as someone had called them.  One of them interviewed me then another one and the other was with my family.  My neighbour was still with me at the time, he was telling me to breathe and to calm down and that he understood that sometimes you just needed to let things out.  I think the police thought I was hysterical (which I probably was, but you know, it was understandable given what I have been through) and wanted me to go to the hospital to see someone to discuss my problems with mental health.

I am not very good at expressing myself articulately when I am emotional. I cant seem to make myself understood, I just cant articulate my feelings at all and because my mother and brother say exactly the same things (whatever my brother says, my mother back him and my father just says "yes yes") and they sound reasonable and believable because they are all saying the same thing: "Our daughter is not mentally stable, we don't do anything to hurt her in any way, but she just screams at us for no reason".  I can imagine that is what they would say to make out how "nice" they are and how they don't do anything wrong, it's all me.

The police finally left after reassuring me they would tell my family not to disturb me and to keep away from me.  One of the police officers even shook my hand (the one who didn't wear any perfume and who at first thought I wasn't allergic, but he soon saw that I was when I started reacting to the other officer's perfume/after shave).  I told the police as they were leaving, that the neighbours already thought we were a bit mad, now they would think we were totally crazy.  They did laugh.

Now I am alone in my room typing, without any hindrance.  Thank God!

The duplicity is overwhelming

The very ironic thing is that very few people have seen the way my family treats me because they mostly "act" in a normal manner when other people are around.  Their duplicity of behaving "normal" like everything is fine and they don't hurt me in front of other people every day upsets me so much!  It makes me feel like I am just imagining all of this stuff, that it's not really happening and I have no right to be upset because, look, how nice my family are in front of other people.  Obviously it must be my fault!

Twice in the past (once when he was drunk and once sober when I was in my late teens to early 20's) my step-father behaved in his normal abusive, violent way towards me in front of other people.  He actually showed who he was and these people had to restrain him from trying to beat me up.  After that, both people tried to counsel him about his behaviour, telling him that he was being an awful person and he shouldn't treat his step-daughter (or anyone in his care) in that manner.  That he should have more respect for me than what he was displaying.  That he was being really hard on me and abusing me needlessly and mercilessly.

Of course my step-father acted all repentant and said that he was drunk or that it was out of character and he never treats me in that way normally and of course my mother backed him.  Yeah right.  But what could I say?  And what could these people do anyway.  They didn't live in our home and couldn't protect me from his wrath if I spoke out against him and told them that he actually did hit me every day and not only did he hit me every day, but so did my mother.  I couldn't tell them that these people would laugh at me, mock and deride me and put me down all the time.  If I told anyone what was going on, they would hurt me more, hit me more and punish me in other ways and I really couldn't risk that happening, so I kept quiet, kept it to myself and these people thought that everything was fine.  I think they asked me after these incidents if things were fine and I told them that everything was okay.  What else could I say?  The truth?  My parents would hit me more and tell me not to cry while they were hitting me.  The more I cried, the more I got hit.  I had no idea.  I thought if I begged for mercy, begged them to stop, they would.  But they didn't.  They just kept going. Merciless!

While the bruises healed on the outside, the ones on the inside have never healed.  Every day is hell with these people.