I have no rights in this house

Yesterday my parents moved my furniture and belongings from my bedroom into the study (where I also had my bookshelves/books and my mother also had heaps of her stuff in there too).  Without any consultation from me.  Everything is all over the place, just dumped where they thought to dump it.  Now I cant even get into my bedroom because it is just messy, everything is dumped in piles and there is no room for me to even move around and sort through my things!

When I asked them why they would do this (a) when I was not home and (b) without consultation from me.  My mother told me that they already told me they were doing this and it's my own fault for not being home.  Right, so they told me that's how it was going to be (no consultation) and I was out at appointments (doctor etc) and they just go ahead with their plans.

My mother even goes on to tell me that  I have "no rights in this house" because they own it. 

I have a lock on my bedroom, but she has another key and will let herself into my bedroom (where now, there is nothing of hers) whenever she feels like it.  Yes of course, just to drive home the point that I have no rights.

Even Lay-Z boy (my brother) told them not to go into his room and she wouldn't dare anyway.  She just wants to do that to me.

Last night because I was so upset with them just moving my things, I undid the bed/slats/mattress and put into the lounge room and unscrewed the legs of my couch to take it into my bedroom so I could sleep on it instead (the bed takes up way too much room. I think I wanted to do that to assert control over my life, which they have been taking away from me.

Try as I might, I couldn't get the couch into my room (I couldn't get it past the laundry) and so I had to leave it there in the middle until the next morning, when I would put it back.  Plus my arms were shattered from having to try to push it through - it felt like my arms would fall off, I had bruises all over them and I couldn't move it any more.

The next morning (today) when my step-father woke up, he went berserk.  Starting banging hard on my door telling me to get up and move the couch now, calling me all sorts of names (that I was dirty, disgusting, a piece of shit) because I had left the couch in the laundry. My step-father was banging so hard on my door, like he was about to break the door down many many times.  Yelling and yelling like a madman.  I told him to leave it there, I would move it later when I woke up. Oh no, that wasn't good enough for him, he told me that I wasn't allowed to have things "my way" that everything had to be "his way" otherwise I could "piss off" out of here.

Meanwhile, my brother, Lay-Z boy walks past the hallway and starts saying, "Loser" several times.

And today, Lay-Z boy goes outside to have a cigarette and runs past my bedroom like a maniac up and down and then starts saying I don't know what, as I had the television on which was mainly blocking his voice, so that I only heard his voice, but couldn't understand what he was saying. He then goes away, saying, "Yeah record me, record me". He was doing that to (a) annoy me and (b) to make sure that his cigarette smoke was going to come inside my room, as he knows cigarette smoke makes me ill.  Nice guy huh?  And after this, he comes in and starts knocking in the back of his wardrobe, which faces my room, just to try to antagonise me some more, to get a reaction.  I didn't react to any of this, other than to close my window after I heard him go outside (I heard his voice) so that his cigarette smoke didn't come into my room, as I knew he would come to my window to smoke there.

This means I cannot open my window because Lay-Z boy will continue to smoke outside my window to antagonise me.  Isn't this a lovely family?

Meanwhile, I couldn't get to sleep because my head was hurting bad from moving the things around in my room, which caused dust to fly around and this gave me really bad sinusitis.  My head hurt so much last night and it's continuing to hurt today. I also have a fever.  Plus I feel very nauseous and everything I ate today make me feel sick.  Oh man!

These people are sick in the head!

Feeling numb all over

Today I just feel numb.  And exhausted.  It's like I am outside my body looking in.

I think I get to the numbness when I am just so overwhelmed with all these emotions that my mind simply cannot handle it any more so I block it all out, every single emotion so I feel nothing.  Hence the numbness.  The numbness make me feel stronger in one way, impenetrable to my family's stinging barbs and obnoxious behaviour.  It gives me a respite from all the emotions so that I can try to come to terms with whatever is going on, so I don't self-implode.

While this is a good defence mechanism in one way, it is also a bit bad too, because it means I feel nothing physically too.  I have the weird "out-of-body" sensation when I get this numb, so then it's almost like I cant feel my body either.  This is not good because it means I am drifting along like I am some non-entity, not really living, but just existing in some invisible way.

I just feel so heavy and clumsy too - that is how this numbness manifests as well.  I don't have the energy to function normally because all my energy is going into making me feel numb (mind/body/spirit) so there is no more energy left for anything else really.

Again today, I feel like crying so badly, but the numbness is overwhelming that if I cry, it means feeling my emotions and since I don't want to do that, whenever the tears threaten, my numbness immediately stops them from falling. They gather in my eyes a little, then they are gone, replaced by the numbness.  I don't have the energy to cry, I don't have the energy to laugh, I don't have the energy to do much at all, but just sign and write this, in the vain hope that I can feel some semblance of normality in my head.  Something akin to having a normal life, but while I stay here I know I wont.  Yet the numbness causes me to be impotent and have no ability to carry out anything for my own good, so here I stay, rotting away.

And in the background, all I can hear is the three of them arguing about something.  They can't discuss anything in a sensible, rational manner, they have to argue about everything because not one of them has any sense or the ability to have any kind of rational discourse with anyone.  Ugh!

Heart palpitations

I have been feeling incredibly sad and wanted to cry so much all day yesterday, but it's almost like I don't even have the energy to do so.

In addition to this, I feel totally and utterly exhausted, drained of all my energy by these three people who call themselves my family.

On top of that, I have been getting these heart palpitations, which became really severe yesterday and last night, where my heart was beating incorrectly it seemed like almost every beat.  I would get fast heartbeats for a few beats, followed by skipped beats and then a thumping beat.  I have had this investigated previously and apparently I have "ectopic heartbeats" both ventricular and atrial, which means I get a heartbeat starting in either the top chambers of the heart (atria) or the lower chambers of the heart (ventricles) instead of in the sinoatrial node (in the area between the layers of the heart).  I have also been having supra ventricular heartbeats, which is when the heart beats very quickly (over 100 beats a minute) but only for a very short duration, like for about 5-6 beats or so.  All of this, the cardiologist told me, about a year ago, when I was first diagnosed, points to stress.  So it comes as no surprise that it's been happening more and more lately and culminating so much last night, again.

I have also been feeling really tired physically and I feel like I have a bit of a fever for the last few days too, like as if I have some type of a viral infection.  I feel quite warm today and really lethargic. This means I have some type of viral infection, but because I don't have any other symptoms (no sore throat, no upper or lower respiratory infection) it could be that my immune system is not functioning very well and I may have chronic fatigue syndrome.  All I know is that I get sick like this all the time and it comes after being greatly stressed.  I wake up feeling tired and I just want to sleep all day as I have zero energy.  Not only am I a little feverish, but I also feel really dizzy, which could be due to the palpitations or it could be due to a middle ear infection (which I get quite often, several times a year) or it could be due to a gastrointestinal infection, the last two are definitely due to a virus.

I have been doing a lot more exercise these past three weeks. I started at 45 minutes a day, but now I am at 70 minutes a day.  I have been walking up and down hills for about 45 minutes and then for about 25 minutes I do arm and leg exercise (Pilate's basically) to tone them up.  I have noticed a difference in my body, but I think I have been over-doing it.  I have been totally and utterly stressed by my family and I am putting more stress on my body with the daily exercise but not doing anything for stress-relief (like meditation or yoga or relaxation), which means my body is just getting overly stressed in every way with no respite, with too much pressure to bear all at once.  Hence the heart palpitations and the fever and lethargy.

These people are literally draining all the energy out of me.  I just need to get out of here, but with no energy, no money and no motivation, how can I????