LayZ boy is incredibly jealous of me

I have a good singing voice.

I have always wanted to be a singer but I get a bit shy and embarrassed when I try to sing in front of other people, so I have never pursued a singing career. I get a bit embarrassed that I start singing off-pitch when I am around other people. I am getting better, but it is hard for me to sing in front of others. I don't have the confidence.

Anyway, I have always felt confident singing in front of my family, because I always have sung in front of them. Maybe I should have tried to imagine I was at home, singing in the bathroom when I have sung in front of other people. I have sung karaoke and I get so nervous that my hand shakes. I do okay most of the time, because I talk myself into it, but I am so nervous.

And the interesting thing about my singing, is that I have a really good opera singing voice. Apparently I am a mezzo soprano, which means I can sing high and lower notes too. I find opera singing so easy-breezy, like it's nothing for me. I do enjoy it.

LayZ boy is very jealous of my ability to sing well and on key and in pitch.

Lately, he's trying so hard to sing. He's not actually singing, but talking in a slightly rhythmic way (that's how he seems to think singing happens).

LayZ boy has this intense need to compete with me. He always has. He fails miserably in any case, as he cannot sing and I can.

It's quite funny to hear because no matter how hard he tries, he doesn't have a singing voice.

This is very much like when we were kids. Anything I do, he wants to do too because he wants to be like me because he's so insecure about himself and thinks that I am smarter and better than him.

Lunatic!

The chaos that is this family - moodiness prevails

No wonder the counsellor keeps saying that I live in a chaotic environment (and have since I was a child), because I do. This is not a calm environment I live in and have never lived in. It is a very chaotic environment and one which is not good for me.

To have to contend with people who behave this way is not healthy.

The three of them are totally unpredictable - I never know what kind of mood they will be in from one day to the next, nor how they will respond to anything I do or say. It's very unstable and makes me feel very unsure about my life.

No wonder I have always felt that I haven't had sure footing in life, that I haven't felt like I belonged anywhere and that I haven't felt like I could count on anyone. How could I when I have been exposed to nonsense like this all my life and haven't known anything else.

I have finally realised why I have always attracted and been attracted to similar people to my family - those who use and disrespect me - because these are the only people who feel familiar to me and are what I am used to and know well.

I am starting to recognise the insanity for what it is now and that is making it worse with my parents because I am speaking up for myself and they don't like that and want to shut me down. That is sad that I have to tolerate that nonsense.

At least with the counselling and reading, I have been working on my self-worth and self-love, to make myself a stronger person who doesn't have to take crap from anyone.

You know the other day, I started to feel really sad. I felt really sad because I was grieving the childhood I never had and the good family I never had and I told myself that it was okay to feel this way, that it was normal to feel sad about that which I never had growing up, but which I should have had and was entitled to have. That made me feel better to know that.

My family is mentally unwell - part 2: the brother

LayZ boy, the brother has a range of mental health issues.

LayZ boy is very vindictive and into punishing others for their alleged transgressions against him. He will bide his time, waiting for an opportunity to do something to hurt you, if he thinks he has the power to do so. And to me, he thinks he does, because his mother gives him permission to do so, by always encouraging him and always protecting him. Great.

LayZ boy has psychopathic tendencies.

I watched a documentary about a man who was being tested for being a psychopath and it was just like watching my brother in action. The guy on the doco kept on telling the people studying him that he was very much a narcissist (exactly what LayZ boy has said about himself on many an occasion), he was very paranoid (just like LayZ boy - if I repeat to LayZ boy what he has told me before about himself, LayZ boy accuses me of spying on him) and he was abusive and obnoxious, more so when he thought the cameras were not on and behaved more "normally"when the cameras were on (exactly like LayZ boy, who says and does the most obnoxious and aggressive things when I am not holding a camera but who then behaves like a model citizen when the cameras are on, or when other people are around).

The guy in the doco was also very manipulative and lied a lot (that is also like LayZ boy) and he had no qualms about hurting people (just like LayZ boy) and had very little feelings for anyone else (just like LayZ boy) and didn't think twice about using others (just like LayZ boy).

The other thing that has been happening lately, is that LayZ boy has become even more manic than usual, so I wonder if he also has bipolar disorder too, just like his mother. LayZ boy seems to go on these manic highs and depressive lows, alternating between them. I don't think he really knows what he's doing to some extent.

LayZ boy is very mentally unwell. A normal person would not behave this way.

So no wonder his mother cant see that LayZ boy is so mentally unwell - that is because she is too and is in such denial about her mental health issues, that if she acknowledges her son's mental illness, she has to acknowledge her own and she wont do that.

At least now I have some understanding why.